[tabitha2004]

This is my first post to this board but it's going to be a biggie. I hope a couple of nice people will take the time to respond, because I am very distressed over this situation.

I was contact by a birthsister two years ago. I had some email and phone contact with her, and then letters and phone contact with my birthmother, who lives in the same city as I do. Over the course of about a year I had very limited contact and decided not to meet her (**).

In January 2004, I made the decision to have no contact, based on many concerns I have about **. We had a very good telephone conversation about this and she would respect my decision. Unfortunately, she now refuses to respect my decision and continues to contact me. I had my phone number changed (unlisted) and have returned letters "return to sender", only to find them thrown in my driveway one morning with messages written to me on the outside of the envelope (they weren't nice). She has also sent flowers (for my birthday) and now today sent an email.

I had my attorney send her a letter warning her that if she didn't cease contact, we would pursue legal action. I know that sounds really harsh, but she has pushed me to do so.

I'm not really sure what I am looking for here...I guess I'd like to try to understand why she won't just leave this alone. Every time she contacts me, I get really upset. I feel as though I am being stalked. Has anyone other adoptee been in a situation like this before? If so, how did you handle it?

And if you are a birthmother, maybe you could help me understand why she cannot control herself and just leave me alone.

Thanks.

[l-thompson]

Hi tabitha - I am not a birthmother, I am an adoptee. I have not experienced anything similiar to what you are going through so unfortunately I don't have any advice on how to handle this. It does sound almost like "stalking" and I think I would be quite unnerved to say the least particularly after she said she would respect your decision to no longer have contact.

You mention in your post that you decided to break off contact with your birthmother based on many concrens you have about her. You do not go into any detail about these concerns but could she have some mental health issues. I don't say this flippilantly at all, her behaviour indicates that she has some unresolved issues. I don't know your situation, I know nothing at all about your story but just from the glimpse you have given I would suggest your birthmom needs some support - maybe your birthsister???? Can you talk to her, is she close to your birthmom? who can help?

Take Care

[Jillalan]

Hi Tabitha

As a birth mother and adoptee I guess I can see your viewpoint from both sides.

It's none of my business WHY you don't want contact - although I confess I'm curious! - only that you don't.

I contacted my birthson a couple of years ago. I said at the time if he didn't want contact I would respect his decision, however I did say to myself I would go and take a look at him - which I suppose amounts to stalking in a sense. I wonder if I would have had the strength to stick to that decision of respecting his decision if he hadn't wanted contact.

For 35 yrs. I wondered and longed to know him. There was an emptiness in me that only knowing him would fill. I can not imagine what I would have felt like if I'd had some contact only to have him break it off. HE has problems that I would rather he didn't, but nothing would make me walk away from him now that we've found each other.

On the other hand as an adoptee I have only recently felt curious - and curious is the only word to use - about my own birth mother. I feel nothing for her, I don't know that I will, even if I meet her.

Despite the nasty messages written on the letters thrown on your driveway, do you think perhaps she's just desperate to keep in contact with you?

I know once I had made contact with my son I couldn't wait to meet him - another decision you made not to do.

Are you still in contact with your birth sister? Can she help at all with your situation?

You should have the right to choose whether you have contact, but I can say as a birthmother that it would have broken my heart had my birthson made the same decision you did.

You are in a very difficult situation, especially living in the same city. I hope it works out for all of you.

All the best, Jill

[tabitha2004]

Thank you so much for your replies so far, especially you Jill. It is very interesting hearing the point of view from a birthmother AND adoptee.

Let me say a little bit about why I chose to end contact. During the course of our contact, my ** never once has asked me how I feel about all of this, or how it has affected my life. It's always been about her. She was kind enough to explain to me the circumstances of my adoption, which I really appreciated. But then it always goes back to her, and how much she loves me, and how she wants to meet me. I am very uncomfortable with the "love" part because I feel nothing for her and I don't believe you love someone unless you KNOW them. I think she loves the IDEA of me, but not me personally. She has said things to me like "well, don't wait forever [to meet me], because the Lord might take me tomorrow, and then you'd never know me".

She also likes to play the "if you were really a Christian you would..." card. I have shared my faith with her, only to have her use it against me. On the cards she threw in my driveway, she wrote "Are you really a Christian?"

Every day I wonder if I'm doing the right thing. She has indicated interest in my children and says they are her grandchildren, as if she has some kind of rights to them. It's my job to protect them from unstable people, and I consider her to be unstable.

Some other reasons: the first time she called me on the phone, it was 11:30pm and she sounded drunk. Another time, she called and that was when I told her that I had decided not to have contact (in the nicest way I could). She hung up, and then her sister started calling me, cussing me out, telling me that I caused my ** to be an alcoholic, etc. She also threatened me (said she would "come get me").

I don't have ounce of guilt for making this decision. I just wish she could respect it. As for the birthsister, I haven't been in touch with her for over a year. I didn't think it was fair to expect to have a relationship with her and then have her leave her mom out of it. She was always very nice...maybe she COULD help me.

Thanks for listening. This is just tearing me up.

[radiodoll]

Most definately arrange for a restraining order. It may not stop your birthfamily, but the law will not take anything serioly that might occur later on if you do not go on the books NOW with the problem. This is stalking. Yes, you will have to arrange for a different phone (perhaps cellular service) that is not traceable.

If anyone has given you reson to feel that your children are in danger, you must act.

Your concerns are valid, and your wishes of no contact should be respected.

I am an adoptee who completed a search and my mother wants no contact. I am leaving that alone, although it makes me very angry. The information that I wish to retreive about my heritage can be gained in other ways without actual contact, so that is what I am doing.

Please take these threats seriously. Addicts cannot discern the needs of others and they are reactionary and often act spontaneously - sometimes in black outs.

I am a recovering drug addict and alcoholic. 15 years. I just want to offer my opinion.

Best Wishes,

Radiodoll

[summer324]

Well you have gotten a lot of different views and opinions on here and that is why it is a great place. you can look at all sides.

I really share in a lot of what the others say...on all angles.

Viewpoint on possibility why she never asked you about how it made you fell......My bmom hasn't asked me a whole lot about how it affected my life but she has asked about my upbringing and if I was happy. I don't know if your bmom did that or not. Maybe she felt that she was sharing with you her story about the circumstances around your adoption and she didn't want to pry to ask you blatant questions about your feelings. She might have felt that you would tell her when you are ready. i also feel that the birthmothers have more of a bond to us then us to them. After all they were pregnant for months and had to go through labor and delivery....maybe that is why she is being so adament about telling you she loves you and all.....and btw that would have freaked me out too!!! My bmom hasn't said that yet and I met her in June. Anyway.....those are just some thoughts maybe from her point.

Onto the stalking thing.....LOL to Jill.....YOU GO GIRL......I did the same thing to my bmom before I actually met her...she wasn't answering letters and I found out where she worked and went to take a peak.....LOL But had no intentions of blowing my cover either. I think that this woman sounds extrememly desparate. She probably wants contact with you so badly that she is reacting irrationally. I was an alcoholic and let me tell you this.....YOU didn't make her one over this. Like Radiodoll said....people act irrationally when they are under the influence. If you truly think this is an issue for your safety and your childrens I am with her in filing a restraining order. Its ludicrous for you to have to live in fear. I don't like the fact that she comes by your house. Thats nerve. and what is the childish acts of writing on the letters and throwing them in your driveway. That sounds like something that a 12 year old would do. Unbelievable. Threatening phone calls too.....Geesh!

Do you think if you would simply call her and tell her why you made this decision (be brutally honest) and that you are appalled by her actions something could change....Maybe she would let you in on why she is so messed up. Its certainly worth a try. I can't believe you haven't called her anyway even if it was to yell at her and tell her to get a life....I think I would have immediately....LOL

All in all you need to keep you and your family safe so if need be you go down to the police dept and file that order....

Lisa

[StevieGirl]

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Have things stopped since the cease and desist letter from your attorney? I've heard of another adoptee who had to send a letter like that also.

I guess the next step would be a restraining order.

It sounds very obvious that your birth mother has some issues. A "stable" person would be mature enough to respect your decisions. Dropping you an e-mail or sending a letter is one thing, but she's taking it to the next level.

And you do have the right to protect your children. Just because you share blood doesn't give her the right to be in your children's lives. That's a decision for you to make. And it sounds the right decision is to keep her away from them. If she's already being unstable with you . . . . .

Never feel guilty. You're not the reason for her problems. She needs counceling. Maybe her own guilt of giving you up is eating her alive. This is her . . . . not you. Remember that. If her sister cared, she would get her sister help, not call and harass you!

Best of luck.