[MJR]

I feel I must payback my adopted parents for taking me and don't know if others feel this way?

There is also guilt that I will never be able to pay back enough?

Can anybody relate and what did you do with these ideas???Beliefs?

THanks!

[LoveRiddenDad]

As an adad, I'm curious what you mean by "pay back." Do you mean monetarily or emotionally? Your aparents chose to adopt you. Bparents, whether or not they relinquish, choose to have children as much as aparents and to make the same fiscal sacrifices.

A relationship with ANY parents shouldn't be about "payback," but a mutual love.

[Cheryl62]

MJR:

Whether it's an a healthy or realistic attitude or not, I think your feelings are not that unusual among adoptees, but with some differences in magnitude.

I think many of us grew up being told we were "picked out" - meant as a GOOD thing, of course, but sometimes that makes us feel we have to live up to their expectations (of course bio-children feel that way too!). We were also often told we were "lucky" - to have a good home, such a nice family, etc. Many of us were explicitly told by other relatives, friends, etc. that we should be "grateful". I think many of us heard these messages in a way that led us to feel that we have to "do" things to "pay back" our family for having taken us in. A warped way of thinking, surely - since after all THEY wanted a child - and didn't give us homes out of pity. But, that feeling is sometimes buried in there for us adoptees, I guess.

I have often wondered too (there was an earlier thread about this), whether adoptees aren't more compelled to go into "service industry" work - to make a difference, to do something meaningful, or just to succeed, as a way of proving our being here wasn't a mistake. I'm not sure if I believe this, but it's an interesting question.

I'm 42 now, and have "evolved" a lot in my thinking over the years. But, while I wouldn't have said my adoption had anything to do with it at the time, I do wonder sometimes if my insecurities and feeling that I needed to be the perfect child (even as a 30 year old!) had something to do with all of society's messages and my own self-doubts. In all honesty, it surely was NOT anything my a-parents did or said!

Sorry for the long post. I do understand why you could feel that way. But I don't think those feelings are really grounded in truth. The truth is that your family wanted a child -- THEY were lucky to have you be a part of their family. It is what they wanted. They have given you everything that they have out of love (and probably also out of their own sense of what being a parent means). You have no more, or less, obligation to them than any child has to their parents. While many would say that all kids "owe" their folks, I don't find it healthy to see it that way -- I prefer to see what I do for them as a gift of love, not a "paying back" - because it makes me happier, because it makes me more able to give, and because it avoids the "balance sheet" in my mind that leads to guilt and anger sometimes.

Am I making any sense?

[tabitha2004]

I am glad that you posted this topic. I think we all spend a great deal of time growing up just trying not to think that much about the fact that we are adopted. At least, that's how I looked at things. It was just a fact, not good or bad, just fact.

I never really had feelings good or bad about my **, since I never KNEW her. I was grateful to have my parents, and grateful she didn't abort me, but I never felt like I had to go bow down to her and kiss her feet or anything.

Now that I have had some contact, I have found out that I cannot be grateful enough for her.

I guess from all the responses you've gotten, you already know that you ARE normal!

[StevieGirl]

I also would like to know what you mean by "pay back". I feel an obligation to my mother - and I don't see why most children - adopted or not - wouldn't feel that way.

I don't feel the obligation because I was adopted, but because they are my parents who raised me, paid for my college, gave me my morals and values . . . . . (My dad passed away 2 years ago.)

So I do what any other kid would do . . . honor her on mother's day, her birthday, go with her to see relatives 7 hours from us, help her with things when she needs it, etc.

Are you maybe just analyzing things too much?

[crick]

I wonder sometimes if my kids will feel more obligation towards me and their dad due to their adoption and circumstances. I sincerely hope not and am very careful to never utter statements that I think a lot of bparents might utter that can take a more severe meaning to children of adoption. For example, my own mom would say "you should be grateful to get new school clothes at all" when I would complain that I didn't get a specific outfit etc. You know, I was being bratty and needed a reminder. However, I worry if I say things like that to my kids if it will have a different meaning altogether eventhough it wouldn't be my intention to make them feel like they have to be grateful for anything. Does that make sense?

My husband and I wanted a family. Simple as that. Sometimes people will say "oh, your kids are so lucky they found you." We always say "No, it's us who lucked out!" I can only hope that my kids will look back on their childhood without too much conflict.

Crick

[m26d15]

so interesting...like many of you, i've often struggled with entitlement issues...

cheryl: so interesting about service industry...i've been volunteering since i was 12, and have worked in nonprofits my entire professional career...so interesting...

m26