[ambie212]

At the age of 12, after 26 fosterhomes,an immigrant couple living in Ontario decided to adopt me and my 3 younger brothers. My adoption only lasted 4&a half years. They kicked me out 3 months after my 17th b-day. Trust me, it was unwarranted. I remembered all pertinent info regarding my bio-gramma, and was quickly reunited at age 18, that was 1990. Alot has happened since, now I don't talk to anyone. They didn't want me, I don't want them. I hurt so bad inside. My adopted parents even turned my own brothers against me, now I have no one. My brothers seem to blame me, when nothing was my fault! Aside from my adoring husband(who is an orphan), i haven't had a real hug in years. Because of prior childhood sexual abuse, i am infertile. Because of my past, i refuse to adopt. If anyone out there has even the tiniest word of encouragement, i would greatly appreciate them

[epenn922]

I am so sorry about everyone rejecting you. I was rejected by my maternal birthfamily and that was (sometimes is) heartwrenching. To have rejection from all sides must be overwhelming.

I went through both individual and group therapy and found it to be intense, supportive and healing. Are you getting support from somewhere besides your husband? I hope that the pain grows less intense for you. It definitely has for me.

I do wonder if the pain of family rejection every truly goes all the way away. I don't know.

You're in my thoughts and prayers and I hope that you find healing.

Elaine

[ambie212]

thankyou, for the nice things that you had to say. the quote about chasing shadows hit me hard, because i have been identifying myself as 'Shadoe' for the past two years while i compile my life's story for future publicaton. i wish that i had more time to chat, but i have to get off my husband's company computer now. I will be back soon to talk, or you may send me an email at Hotmail. Thanks for the prayers, bless you too.
till next time Ambie212.

[Just Julie]

Dear ambie212,

My heart goes out to you and your husband. Rejection, abuse, and infertility are all so painful. If you long for little people in your lives but understandably find fear in your way to adopt a child of your own, maybe together you can provide childcare in a church nursery or other childcare center or babysit for a friend's child. Parenting classes could be helpful also. I certainly don't mean to imply, however, that parenting is the only way for a couple to find fulfillment. How gracious of God to give you each other. (((hugs))) He has blessed you both in spite of the pain.

[hprestonalexand]

Big (((HUGS)))

[ambie212]

Thank you for the ideas you had. I've had all the same thoughts. I spent my entire high school career,educating myself on how to be the proper parent,because I didn't have role models good enough to learn from. I excelled in every aspect. Every Home Ec.class every child care and parenting class that the 3 high schools I went to had to offer. To most, I might seem overzealous or unnecessarily overqualified. None of that matters now though. My heart breaks every time I see a child. Even more so does my heart bleed when someone I know of gets pregnant,and shoves their newborn in my face. I tend to avoid all situations surrounding children. It helps me to not think about it so much. It's hard though because when my husband Glenn and I die, we will not have left a legacy. That too is another reason for me writing a book about my life, so that my time here on earth with you all, meant something to someOne. I get closer and closer each passing day, to accepting the hand that fate has dealt me. I try very hard to work on healing my wounds without THERAPY. I have my flashbacks for a reason,why I don't know as of present,but it will come to me. Thanks for taking the time to respond . You words and hugs of encouragement will last me a lifetime. Bless You, Love Amber

[clurock]

Oh Amber,

I am so sorry for the pain that you feel. I cannot even begin to imagine all that you have been through. I am sure that you mean more than you think to more than you know...does that make any sense? Sometimes we impact people and we don't even know it. Your time here on earth will not ONLY be measured in your posterity. It has to do with what you did as a human to impact those around you!

Hang in there!

((((((HUGS YOUR WAY)))))))

Christa

[ambie212]

You say You Loved Me,But How Could You do Me that Way?
Some One did Something Right for Me to be Sane.
Why? Why? Why? Who Should I Blame?
Some One did Something Right for Me to be Sane.
Who Should I Blame for the Roads I Was Forced to Take?
Only Being Allowed The Smallest Crumbs from THEIR Cake.
Never Being Allowed to Ask What Direction I was Headed.
Who? Who? Who? Is to Blame For Me Being Misled?
Where? Where? Where Were The Ones Who Were Supposed to Have Cared?
And Why Were They Never there When Our Souls and Cupboards were Bare?
Some One did Something Right for Me to be Sane.
I Learned Very Early in Life Not to Ask For Any Thing.
I Shut Up and Did as I Was Told. Just Like a Circus Pig!
I knew the Day Would Come, When I could write My Own Map.
When left to My own Devices, I forgot How to Ask (GOD).
I took This Road and That, and Then, I Went Back.
I Fell on My Face and I Got Back Up.
I Would take another Road until I Got Fed Up.
Years Went By-Riding Solo-No One Ever At My Side.
Too Afraid to Surrender to What I Never Knew, I Fell In Love with His Eyes So BABY BLUE.
Love, I Found, I never Knew What It Really Meant.
BABY BLUE Taught Me How, and Now I'll Repent, For All the time I had Spent-With My head in another Direction.
In Your Arms BABY BLUE I feel the Utmost of Protection.
BABY BLUE You Know I Love You too!
Who Wouldn't? Ya'll Be Jealous Now, 'Cause I got the Man that will make Most Men Cowl.
It's All About Us Now, and Who Cares Who's to Blame?
BABY BLUE DID THE RIGHT THING, AND NOW I AM SANE.
Many will be Perturbed to Hear My words.
You Can't Shut Me Up Now,
I live in a Free World.
You've got it all wrong, It's not about Fashion.
Love One Another,It's Not about 'the Gap'pin.
Who Cares What Your Size Is?
Who Cares About Your Freckles?
If You Don't Agree With Me, Well, You Can SAT ON A PICKLE.
I Know My Words Are FAR From Mainstream.
Sit Up Now, And Listen to REALITY.
STOP!,DWELLING ON A PIPEDREAM.
by amber hayes 2002.

[kathycasa]

I am so sorry to hear of your hard situation. Its nice to know you can find some comfort, security, peace, and love with your husband. Can I ask why you are not open to therapy? It really isn't as taboo as it sounds! It can be really helpful to you. It can help you sort out your past and help you to understand that it is not your fault. It will help you regain the self confidence these people in your life seemed to strip away from you! You never know, down the road, you may be open to adoption, or maybe even being foster parents so you can do just the opposite for these children as was done to you. What a POSITIVE impact you could have on the life of a child. There are also big brother/sister proigrams you could join as well. Just a thought. You seem like a very intelligent strong person, and I would hate for the people that did you wrong to influence the decisions in your life even to this day!!! Hope that made sense!!! Best wishes. Kathy

[ambie212]

Dear Kathy

[ambie212]

Dear Kathy;
Your response to my thread left me in tears. The happy kind though, and I am fully recovered now.
In response to your query regarding THERAPY, as a youngster in foster care, I was FORCIBLY placed into therapeutic 'sessions' where tricky questions would be asked of me. Questions that I couldn't even begin to answer.
All I ever wanted to do was tell the truth about what had been going on in my life so far at the time, but after I turned 18, and read my adoption records, I discovered that all those 'sessions' of therapy were used to BRAND ME A HIGHLY CONSTRUCTIVE LIAR.
I trust No One in Authority, EXCEPT Police officers.
It was the Police who finally stepped in and believed me when I told them that I was being beaten in my foster home. And the Police who pressed charges against the foster home(who eventually had their fostering rights revoked).
This is about all of a response I can muster right now. Thankx again Kathy for all the LOVING AND KIND words that you sent Me straight from Your Heart. Bless You and all that You do, Your Friend AMBER

[ambie212]

P.S. As of September the 1st, our local inner city children's after school and weekend program is looking for Volunteers. I am hoping to be accepted as a volunteer . I look eagerly forward to 'being there' for the underpriviledged youth(under15) of my home town. I know that I have alot to offer them, and thank You for solidifying that fact for me.
To All of You who have responded to my thread; You have all worked great miracles towards assisting me in coming to this realization.
I thank You All, for all your kind thoughts and the Love that You All have sent my way.
When all had seemed lost(momentarily), You All Helped me, more than any written word could ever affirm.
Thank You,
Your Friend,
Amber

[kathycasa]

Amber-- You got me back!!!lol thru tears!!!! I am here for you anytimr you need to talk or vent!!! I just really felt a connection to you for some reason!! I truly feel you deserve the best out of life!! I hope your day is great today and you are feeling much happier!!! God Bless You Amber!!! Your Friend, Kathy

[NewlyScotGirl]

I'm really moved by your sense of pain and clear ability to describe it and wanted to send my support.

I'll put a good word about volunteer programs like "Ride for Life" that teaches handicapped children to ride gentle, trained horses & gain physical skills and confidence. When people who were supposed to help you ended up hurting you instead, animals have a way of drawing all of us out of ourselves, nonverbally and without judgement. It is a way of connecting and helping children that draws upon our strengths, walking next to them and offering encouragement while they find their balance.

Sometimes in the process we find our own balance, too. You'll be on my mind -- take care.

[ambie212]

Dear Kathy;
This is my 3rd attempt to respond after signing in, let's hope this gets through to you.
You are so good to Me!!
It has been such a long time, many years, in fact, since I have had a non-judgemental conversation with someone.
Are you quite sure that you are ready to start hearing me vent?
I think that I will reserve myself. If I let entirely too much out at once, I am asking for the negative energy.
For the past few years since I retired from the work force, I have tried to reduce the amount of negative energy that I allow into my energy circle. Because of my past traumatizations, it is very easy for my soul to become overwhelmed with negative energy. I allow it in on a 'deal with one thing at a time' basis, in an effort to control my feelings of saddness, and turn them one at a time into positive feelings. It's very hard, and I am often overwhelmed, but try try again I say.
I'll end this quick, so that I can see if this response goes through. Take care,
Your Friend Amber.
P.s. would you like my snail mail address?