[hprestonalexand]

I know I am probably going to get slapped in the face for even starting this thread, so please be gentle!

I am just curious. I have posted a few comments about feeling not horribly appriciative I guess tward my b/mother. I just read a post from a b/mother asking why (some) adoptees are upset at b/mothers for having put them up for adoption. She seems slightly bothers by the fact that (some) adoptees can feel this way. I know not all adoptees feel this way and I am starting to wonder if any do. I wanted to respond to this ladies post, but I can never find the right words to say to explain myself in a not offensive way. Now I am just questioning my own feelings. I have been in therapy for about 8 months deeling with my adoption feelings and issues. My therapist validates everything I say, but birth mothers cannot. One thing I have said over the years is that I am gratful, oh so gratful to my b/mother for not having an abortion and giving me a chance to live. If she had aborted me, I would not have my wonderful husband and my son and my daughter and I could not emagine my life without them! She, my b/mother gave me this chance by giving my up, I know that. But that does not change how I feel. Someone else responded to this ladies post stating that (some) adoptees might not be neccesarily mad at the b/mother but they may have feelings of abandonment, trouble feeling like they belong, trust issues, and frustration with not knowing who we are. This I guess is how I feel. I am not mad at my b/mom. I know she has the right to not want to be found. I feel my search is pointless. I am so grateful to her, but still I am so sad and frustrated. I did not choose my path from birth to 18 years old but I have been in control of it since. So now I have to be in therapy because I cannot handle my own feelings. I just want to know if it is ok for me to feel frustrated, I am not mad, I just want answers. I would not want to turn my b/mother's life upside down by appearing in her life again. This is so hard. How do I find out about myself without hurting her. I pray everyday that she is not a b/mother that doesn't want to be found. Maybe I am just complaining and no one else feels as I do, which is ok. I will deal with it. I don't want to offend any birth mothers here. You all are very loved and appreciated for having done what you felt was right at the time. So why do I feel this way? Am I mad and am I ever going to be able to accept any of this. Sometimes I want to just give up and pretent I was never adopted so I don't have to have these feelings and sometimes I just want to leave the forum becaue every time I post I seem to offend a birth mother. Which is not what I want to do. I just wish my search would go somewhere

[SusanD60]

Hi Heather,
You are not alone with those feelings. I also am an adoptee, and I am not sure why any birthmother would be offended by what you said. I gather from what you said that you are fairly young. I myself am 47 and I share many of your feelings. It is very frustrating not knowing facts about your life that other people take for granted. It makes me so angry to think that there is some people out there that can read my files and know facts about me and yet I am left in the dark. You are justified to feel angry, sad, confused, and everyother emotion that runs through you. Let no one ridicule you for what you feel. I too have wondered what if I hurt my birthmother if and when I find her cause she didn't want to be found. Well she has the choice to deny any contact, and that is the chance I am taking by searching for her. Lets hope that both of us are gladly accepted when we find what we are searching for. I pray you find peace withn yourself. This can be and is a painful experience, but I think all of us can endure it. Remember, you are not alone! Oh, and as for some birthmothers not understanding why adoptees would be upset, well I guess it is like the old saying, " you have to be in another man's shoes to understand what they are feeling" My guess is many birthmothers do understand though.
Hugs,
Susan

[hprestonalexand]

Thank you much for your response and your understanding to my feelings. I am young, I am 24, married with 2 kids of my own and a step daughter. I have a nice job, I am in school to further my carrier options. I love my husband and he is 100% supportive of my adoption search, even though he may not always understand he is there for me. As well, my a/parents are supporitive to me also which means the most to me. You have made me feel allot better just by what you said. I never said I was mad at birth mothers just sad and frustrated. I am ok though. In searches we go through ups and downs, I know that. I guess I just have to keep going, keep truckin on. I just wanted to know that I am ok to feel what I feel when I am feeling it (if that makes sense). Take care and I with you the best of luck in your search. I know God has had me on this path for a reason, I was placed and loved. I need to learn to be ok with who I am and what I cannot change. Thanks again, you have been a big help!

[brankaity]

I don't think your stupid.

Sounds like the person responded well to the bmothers comments.

I'm new to this site, so bear with me. I read that you haven't found your bmother? What do people do to begin to search? I found my bmother, and I was surprised I could. I did have my birth name & a few bits of info, of which it wasn't percise, but close enough to do some research. I would like to find siblings now.

My bmother has chosen not to get acquainted, so I can't ask her to help find my siblings.

Peace

[l-thompson]

Heather - you are not alone in your feelings at all. You are quite entitled to feel the way you do and you should not feel you have to justify yourself to anyone.

I am sure some birthmothers are quite perplexed as to how adoptees have some of the feelings that they do, likewise some adoptees struggle to understand some birthmothers feelings.
As long as you respect each others feelings and offer a degree of compassion and understanding, then I think it should be reasonable that we can all share our thoughts and feelings without someone taking offence.

As far as you posting comments about not feeling particularly appreciative towards your birthmother you should not feel you have to justify this - its how you feel, its ok...not everyone will agree, some may not understand but does that really matter? You can express yourself freely but as I said before as long as its done in a respectful manner.....and sometimes thats hard to do particularly with such an emotive topic...and adoption is certainly that!!

I actually found myself reading a thread a few nights ago and like you I wanted to respond but felt I couldn't do so in a constuctive manner.....I left the thread and sometimes thats probably the wisest thing to do.
Emotions are high where adoption is concerned, so many are vulnerable and delicate and often our owns views can almost be taken as a personal attack on someone.

You all are very loved and appreciated for having done what you felt was right at the time. So why do I feel this way?

I am not sure if all birthmothers are loved and appreciated for having done what they felt was right at the time....reunion for me was a myriad of emotions at times and I swung from one extreme to the other in the early days. It just seems to be part of search and reunion - it brings feelings to the fore that are so unexpected. I think its how you react to these feelings that makes the difference.

Good luck on your journey.

[hprestonalexand]

Thank you for your responses. I-Thompson, you are right, you made allot of helpful points. I know that it is ok for me to feel what I feel because I feel it. But you are right, if I want to share my feelings it needs to be in a respectful way. You also made a good point when you said it is hard for some birth mothers to understand how and adoptee feels, likewise it is hard for the adoptee to understand how the birth mother feels. I have been so self absorbed that I wasn't really taking the birth mother's feelings into consideration. You are right, adoption is such an emotional and sensitive subjuct for ALL of us, not just the adoptee. I thank you for helping me see this.
Brankaity, thank you for thinking I am not stupid. Yes, the person who responded to this ladies post was very respectful, compationate, intelligent, and insightful. But now I see, this person posted this thread because of people like me. I wasn't taking her feelings into consideration and I should have been.
I certainly have allot to think about like always Thank you again everyone. You have been a big help. Take care

[jude4691]

hi Heather,
I think your feelings are perfectly understandable.I so relate to your comment about being grateful for life and glad not to be aborted-it was what I instinctively said to my bmum when we first met.
I didn't feel sad or frustrated before reunion,but I frequntly felt like that through reunion because I could see all I had lost.I think you may just be very aware that adoption is about loss.
Susan,
From the time you were adopted there is a strong chance that your mother could have been coerced into it,as my mum was a few years later.I worried that my mum may have moved on and would not want to remember the past.It turned out she had always wanted to find me.I hope you are successful if searching

[hprestonalexand]

I am very aware of the loss and I think I let it bother me too much. I have read a few other posts and not chosen to respond due to the length I would have to go to. My adopted childhood I am sure was not what my birth mother had planned. But we don't get to choose do we, and you never really know who people are I guess. I don't know, this is probably just something else I am bitter about. Dealing with all my issues, and hopeing one day to feel normal

[palmeroshea]

Hi Heather, I fully understand how you feel, and you are entitled to have those feelings or fears. There are no rights or wrongs about feelings around adoption. I can't think what else to add to the things that have been said, but i think the quote: Life may not be the party we hoped for,but while we are here we might as well dance, sums it up perfectly.

Hope things work out for you!

[hprestonalexand]

Thank you guys all of you! I am doing allot better. Thanks for the guidence and support, it means allot!

[FL_GirlByProxy]

Heather,

First let me say, thank you for starting this thread. It is both risky and generous to put your feelings out there, and I am so grateful that you have done that.

I am a birthmom of a 19 year old son, we are not yet reunited, but I pray for that day, when he's ready.

Your feelings are your feelings. They are there for good reason, and you deserve to have them. Also, they should be understood by you. Pretending won't make them go away. Resolving them, finding out where they are coming from, might make them go away.

Your feeling of frustration, I have really tried to think about this at length, and of course, I'm thinking about my situation too. I made a decision for my son to be adopted. I determined this major part of his destiny. He had no choice, he had no say in the matter. He had no power. I have since had to give that power to God, and that is extremely difficult, and not a cop out by any stretch of the imagination. For now, I have to rely on my faith when it comes to my son's welfare. At the same time, this can be comforting and scary. For me, when I think of my son, his mom and dad, and myself, it's about connection, power and control. Who has it, who doesn't, does it really matter as much as I think it does? I'll be working on these thoughts forever.

Originally posted by hprestonalexand
I just want to know if it is ok for me to feel frustrated, I am not mad, I just want answers. I would not want to turn my b/mother's life upside down by appearing in her life again. This is so hard. How do I find out about myself without hurting her. I pray everyday that she is not a b/mother that doesn't want to be found.

Again, you don't need anyone's permission to feel any particular way. If certain feelings are with you, they are there for a reason. They are asking you to pay attention, think about this.

You deserve answers. And it is so possible that your birthmom is looking for answers, too, and that she is also in need of giving you the answers you are seeking. If you are afraid of contacting her directly, is it possible to go through your agency, and use a social worker as an intermediary? I am one birthmom who dreams of being found someday, dreams of being asked those tough questions, and giving answers. Heather, you are in my prayers, and my thoughts.

[Nicole28]

Heather, I want you to know that I can relate to a lot of the things you've said in your posts. I give you a lot of credit for laying it all out on the line as well, sometimes it can be difficult to be completely honest, especially if you are afraid of how others may react.

I just want to know if it is ok for me to feel frustrated, I am not mad, I just want answers. I would not want to turn my b/mother's life upside down by appearing in her life again. This is so hard. How do I find out about myself without hurting her. I pray everyday that she is not a b/mother that doesn't want to be found.

I feel the same exact way!! I have always felt bad about being frustrated, confused and sometimes resentful towards my birthmom. Usually, I just feel confused and long for answers, but sometimes - in moments of extreme frustration - I resent her, and afterwards I feel SO guilty. What I'm learning now is that I should never be ashamed or feel guilty about any emotion that I may feeling...all of my feelings are validated, and many of them are beyond my control. How I react to those feelings, however, is within my control, and I'm working on reacting the right way when it comes to negative feelings.

I agree with you 100% - I would never want to turn my birthmom's life upside down if I happened to come into her life again. Part of me sometimes feels like "Well, she owes me, if I find her she absolutely has to answer my questions, etc.!" I know that really isn't the case, though - my birthmom is a person, too, with her own life, possibly her own family, and it would never be my intention to compromise any of those things for her. You have to remember though...if you were to reunite with your birthmom, it would be a life-changing experience for you both.

I pray everyday that she is not a b/mother that doesn't want to be found.

That's my biggest fear - that I'll make progress and find out how to contact her and she will reject me. I'm not at a point in my life where I am able to continue my search for her, but if I ever do reach that point, I know that I will be in constant fear of rejection from her. I imagine if she rejected contact with me that I would angry and deeply hurt...at the same time, however, I can understand why a birthmom may not want to be in contact with the child she relinquished.

How do I find out about myself without hurting her.

I understand what you mean here - it's difficult for me to form a what I call my "complete" identity without knowing the things that - for example - my friend's who are their parent's biological children would know. I try to remember that people in their twenties are all kind of "searching for themselves" and that we're always learning new things about who we are and why. I'm not the only one struggling to form an identity and to figure out who I am inside & out. I may not have the answers to all my questions, but there are things that I know for sure...for instance, I know that I am an honest, hardworking, fun-loving person, and it has a lot to do with the kind of life my a-parent's gave me and a lot to do with my nature & my spirit. It might take an adoptee a little longer to find out who they are, but it's possible!

lwells38 - I loved your post. I hope that your son reunites with you one day, he will be very lucky to do so! You are what I hope my birthmother is.

[hprestonalexand]

lwells38, you know what. It took me a while to respond to you because your post really touched me. I was speachless for a moment. Hearing what you said and the encouragement you have given me means more than you probably know. God, I am the kind of person who cannot talk with you all with out putting my whole heart out there. I speak from my heart and this is why I sometimes hurt people's feelings or get hurt myself. I am learning though how to talk with you all with respect and care allot more than I was before. I deffinetly go up and down with my feelings and emotions. When I get frustrated I do become resentful. I think I have already said I did not have a "wonderful" childhood with my adoptive family. And it hurts for me to say this, because I love them dearly, they are all I know as family. I feel so lost because of this. I don't want to wish my b/mom had kept me because I want to be happy with MY family. But they wont' let me, or maybe I won't let myself. Obviously my birth mother is not the only one I am ever resentful twards. I need to find myself. I though I had when I married my husband and he rescued me and we began our family. But it was after I had my son that I had this nagging feeling to find my identity, to find my heritage. I think my daughter looks like my b/mother, I just have this feeling that she does. I am blabbing on here and I'll get to the point. You are right, I cannot pretend my feelings away, they don't go away I have to deal with them and you guys are helping me so much. I want to thank you so much for your point of view and commend you for you insight into how we as adoptees feel, that is just amazing. You sound like such a wonderful person and I really hope my b/mother sees things as you do. God bless you honey, you are a real peach! I wish you luck with your son, I hope the best for you.
Nicole28, I want to thank you also, you post gave me a huge boost of confidence! I so happy to see that there really are more adoptees out there who share my feelings. It is very comforting in contrast to what I was feeling before I posted this. I know what you mean about feeling guilty about how you feel sometimes twards your b/mom and that is why I am so afraid to tell my feelings to people hear on the boards. Thank you so much for understanding and I guess sharing my fear of not wanting to turn my b/mom's world upside down. This is exactly what I don't want to do, I do want to meet her though and ask her questions and talk with her. I just pray that she will want the same. Oh geeze I have blabbed on now. I really want to thank every one of you who have responded to me. You have all helped me so much and I hope all of this makes sense. Take care and I wish you all the best of luck in your lives and your searches!

[Nicole28]

Aww Heather, I'm glad I boosted your confidence!! That made my week.

Keep me (us!) updated!! Maybe you & I can help eachother out some more, offer support...always a good thing!

Have a great week.


Nicole

[hprestonalexand]

Nicole, you betcha! I am here whenever you want to talk and you can be sure I will ask for your ear in the future. And of course I will keep you all updated. I am optomistic that some day something good will happen