[Perrier]

Hello! I am 37 years old. I was adopted when I was 4 days old. I've always known I was adopted; I don't recall exactly when I found out, I've just always known. My problem is, I just never bonded w/my parents. I've always been embarrassed by them (horrible, I know!), I never felt I got any support from them (they let me do whatever I wanted, never asked me about anything I was doing, etc.), it seemed like they really didn't care about my interests, and now as an adult I just don't really like them (I love them b/c they're my parents). We have nothing in common. I get a headache when I have to visit. I'm snippy w/my mom, & always have been (but she took it--I never got in trouble for it). They're just not the kind of people I want to be around (they're not BAD people, it's just that we're not alike AT ALL).

Now, I was not abused or neglected or anything like that. I just feel like I was raised in a house w/people totally opposite of me. A good & nice person would probably be able to love them regardless, but I'm selfish, I guess, & constantly wish for a different family. I see or read stories about parents & children & think, "Why can't I have a dad like that?", etc.

Guilt is what keeps me in contact with them. As a side note, by sister is also adopted, she is 9 years older than me, & estranged from the family b/c she's, well, I don't know how to describe her...living in her own world, I guess. So, I feel I HAVE to keep in contact w/them b/c I'm all they have left.

I just wish I didn't feel this way. I don't know how to STOP feeling this way. I feel like such an awful person w/these feelings, but I just can't help it. ]

I don't really expect anything from this post, but it feels good to put it to writing, & know that those who read it can possibly related & understand...

[Howdy]

I can kind of relate, though I wasn't adopted. My mom was/is great but I never felt any connection with my Dad, it seemed to me that he never saw me as a person, it was like I was 'his daughter' to him, not ME. I was always embarrassed by my Dad, he was so needy and pathetic. A few years ago after he died, I learned that he had a horrible childhood, my grandmother left my grandfather, taking my aunt with her but leaving behind my father and my uncle, she met the guy she ran off with while visiting my father in the hospital (I think my dad was 8 yrs old then) and so my father felt it was his fault his mom ran away, and my grandfather had been injured in an explosion that left him incompetent (brain injury) and yet the boys had been left with him. So I guess my Dad just never got over his childhood problems. He was what the parenting books call a 'jellyfish' parent, he let us do anything we wanted.

Do you understand why your parents behaved the way they did, did they have bad childhoods?

Do you have kids yourself? Now that I have a foster daughter, I'm finding myself doing some of the annoying things my dad did!

[radiodoll]

Hello -

I have a question - why do they embarrass you? Embarrassed is a very self-centered term, as you have noted. Perhaps it would be better to look at the things that make you angry or fearful and delve into what that means.

I, too harbored a lot of frustration and ill will towards my parents as a child and as an adult. But I had to finally break down and see that behind the wall that I had put up was a very ungrateful, self-centerd person with expecations that the world owed me something. My parents are by no means perfect people, but after 14 years sobriety and a lot of hard work on my part, I am now 48 and have the kind of friendship and genuine love with them that I always wanted. You see, the problem was me. I accept them for who they are, and I don't expect them to be anything else.

By the way - my brother is also adopted, although I am the oldest by 5 years. We have never bonded at all. even though I have spent a lot of work on rebuilding a relationship. He prefers to do without one, and now I have to accept that, as well.

Good Luck to you -

Radiodoll

[Perrier]

I know nothing of their childhoods; they never talk about it, other than just simple stories shared at family gatherings, etc.
I do have children now, & I am constantly making sure I don't parent like my parents did. My mom seems like the black sheep of her family (6 kids); however, it's a fairly close group, live near by, get together for all holidays, but I notice she is different than her siblings. Selfishly, I often wish it could've been one of them who adopted me instead of my mom. Gol, I hate these feelings I have. I should be greatful I was adopted into a nice family. Just think what could've become of me if I'd been raised by my bio mother, who was an unwed teenager when pg w/me.

I blame them for every "flaw" in my personality. However, after YEARS of harboring all these feelings & wishing I was different & had a different life, I now realize that it's up to me to figure out WHY I feel this way & WHY I am the way I am. I just don't know how to go about figuring it all out.

As a side note, I do know the whereabouts of my bio parents; have actually talked to my bio mom on the phone; had scheduled a time to meet them both, but they never showed up (this was 15 yrs ago)(adoptive parents knew all about this). Now, I'd like to make contact again, to see if there's any hope of meeting; find out why they never showed up 15 yrs ago. However, I'm putting it off until I get my head straightened out, for fear that I'll be doing it for the sole reason of finding that family that I've longed for all these years. And, I'm realistic enough to know that I should not have high expections about meeting them.

My biggest fear is that MY children will feel this same way about ME some day! I couldn't bear it!

[nrj]

Perrier, I don't know if what you're feeling is particularly related to adoptive parents or not. I was an only bio child of two loving parents. My mother had had 5 babies stillborn and full term, all of them boys. My father would have to go and bury them while my mother was still in the hospital. He longed for a child so much and when I was born, I became the light of his life, his little shadow. I was very very close to my father, and sometimes I think more close than he and my mother were. That relationship, sometimes I believe made my mother feel that he loved me more than her, but I know she also loved me very much too. My father and I did things together and through the years we were almost inseperable. My father passed away right after my high school graduation with cancer and I was absolutely devastated because I loved him more than anything in this world. Just typing this brings tears rolling down my face. Throught the years I got married and had children and my mom and I had a good relationship, but not like my father and I. We did not fight or argue and got along ok and I respected her as did all of my children. I just " didn't have special feelings for her or ever say I love you to her. I just couldn't "get the words out". My mother took sick about a year and a half ago and was in a nursing home not expected to live through the night, she was 88 and everything was just failing on her. I sat at the hospital with her that night by her bedside and looked at her face and realized that I was losing my mother and I didn't want to let her go I cried and cried. The reality of her dying really was horrible. Although we were not very close, I did not want to see her dye. She didn't pass that night or the night after and was brought back to the nursing home. They said that she would never be conscious again and would pass soon. I didn't want her to be alone when she died. I was with her day and night the next week. Through that week while I sat ther by her side, I thought of all of my life with her , all of the things that she did for me and the sacrifices she made for me, how many babies she lost trying to have me and how she must have felt to think that I cared about my father so much more and she didn't say a word. I held her hand and stroked her hair and said" I love you mom , I love you, can you hear me mom" thank you for being my mother and giving me life. I love you very much". I kissed her and laid my head next to hers on the hospital bed and a closeness came over me that I had never felt before. It was genuine love for my mom and it felt so good. I had to tell her before she was gone, it was my last chance to let her know that I do love her very much. I didnt want her to dye not knowing. I regret very much that I couldn't say those words to her through the years. It was so awful of me. I would do anything to have my mother back and I only hope that she did hear me on those final days, and that some day I will see my mother and father again. Maybe you too have special feelings for your mother, but you don't realize it. Take care and God Bless NRJ

[radiodoll]

It sounds like you're on your way to some great self realizations! It scarey sometimes to look at what we feel and why we feel it, but in the end it is SO worth the effort.

You're right about us adoptees who were given to good families. I am so priviledged to have this family of mine. They raised me with good morals and everything I needed and ever could have wanted. I have had opportunities that are quite amazing. The choices I made in my "bad years" were never becasue of them - they were because of me.

Luckily I began my "living amends" with them before they got ill. My father has had three heart surgeries, my mother has Parkinsons and is recovering from a broken hip and is not doing well.

I was able to be there for them completly and unselfishly with love and respect. I now make it a point to call at least every other day and sleep over once a week (without my spouse) for "dinner and a movie." They LOVE it.

And now I know I love THEM. Even if they are Republicans....lolololo

My respect and best wishes for you -

Radiodoll

[uniqueone]

You are not alone! I can relate to you in a few ways. I dont think that i have ever... well yes i have wished for different parents. I think because we are adopted we could have been anywhere in this world! We could have been adopted by anyone! But for some reason we were adopted by this one particular family. WHY? Why couldnt i have been adopted by Julia Roberts! And that is the truth. We could have been put anywhere, so who says that this is the right family for me? Aside from that, you said that you wonder "why can't I have a dad like that?" I have had the same thought! My parents too are not open with me. As i get older i realize that i dont like them as people and i dont agree wih a lot of the things that they do and say. I love them because they are my parents and they raised me. I dont know much about my mother's history or what it was like growing up. Same with my father especially. There are only a few things that I can get him to talk about and actually have a converstion about. I feel like I dont know them. I have two older siblings that were adopted also and they are out in their own world too. I dont have that tight bond with my parents that most kids have. And that is the whole struggle with adoption. Have you searches for your b family? I have realized that as i look further into the psychological studies done on adoptees, that it has helped me with my relationship with my parents. if you havent read the Primal WOund, I suggest yoou should because it helps with all of these feeling that you have and it may give you some explainations on why you feel how you do.

[palmeroshea]

Perrier, I totally relate to you. I am also 37 and feel I've had similar experiences to you. I was just reading about sibling issues earlier and in my experience it seems that some adopted parents are set in their ways (I think it might be a slightly superior feeling they have), and if you don't buy it - as I didn't - you just don't fit in, and more importantly, you're not invited to fit in.

Lots of my friends who aren't adopted think I'm making it all up and that I'm ungrateful. I tell them that unless they've been through the same experience (or even met my adopted parents) they can't tell me my feelings are wrong. I didn't make them up for fun!!

I think you should be true to yourself, and I think you really need to get these feelings out of your system so you can feel comfortable with your situation. I have to visit my parents, because they refuse to visit me. My mother is a total wind-up merchant and criticises my looks, my weight, my job, my lifestyle, my love life etc. etc.

When I rejected my parents' money (they're very right wing and wealthy) I was written a letter being told they wanted nothing more to do with me as I had committed a despicable crime. I gave it 5 years (of anger and confusion) then decided I was bigger than them and got in touch. They were actually pleased but haven't changed. Before they'd give me several £100s for xmas/birthday (I'm British) and now my mother gives me £25 for my birthday. I don't bother to cash them as I see this as a token of their affection for me - ie. not much - and she hasn't even noticed.

I think perhaps you have unresolved feelings about yourself or your situation. I'd suggest you talk to a sympathetic listener - or keep in touch with us lot.

Overall, I'd say that you might never resolve this issue, but you can at least accept it.

Good luck!!!

[antdano]

i can relate to ya, i feel teh same about my adoptive parents, i had an ok upbringing etc but i just dont like them as people were opposites aint there fault aint mine just the way we are. i doubt as i get older and leave home there will be much or any contact i just think ill leave em, sounds harsh but i just dont like them, ive never felt like we bonded or got along, some things just wernt meant to happen

[leastofthese]

WOW! All of this makes me very sad. I'm an adoptive parent of children who are really young right now. Please give me insight as to what could have been done early on to make a difference in what you are all feeling right now. I don't want my children to grow up and feel so indifferent toward me and our family. I want to give them that "REAL FAMILY" kind of feeling, I don't want them to feel transplanted or as if they never really belonged.

[Beastie She Be]

I'm much younger than you, I'm 19, but I understand those feelings. Only it's that I'm not very close with my bmom. She's not a person I like at all. I mean I'm thankful to her for raising me and supporting our family. But I still don't like her. I love her because she's my mother, but I still don't like her. And that's fine sweety, you don't have to like your parents. I feel teh same obligation to stay in contact, although I live with her still. I don't want to, but you can't make a lot of money at my age. My situation is different because at least I'm close with my dad and my older sister. I have a younger brother who's also adopted and I'm not close with him at all, I'm very short with him and my mother. I feel bad sometimes, it's that terrible guilt. And recently i found my b-sis and she's younger, and my possible b-father and I can't stand them! I haven't known her too long, but I absolutly can't stand her. Her dad's nicer but he weirds me out. She says I love you to me all teh time, and I just can't say it back to her, because I just don't love he or like her. I care about her, and I'm here for her, but I really don't feel too many emotional ties. I dunno, I understand how you feel and were you're coming from. If you feel so terrible, maybe even seeing a shrink could help you figure some things out. I've thought about it myself, I just don't have the money. Cheer up sweetie!

[Perrier]

leastofthese:

"Please give me insight as to what could have been done early on to make a difference in what you are all feeling right now...I want to give them that "REAL FAMILY" kind of feeling, I don't want them to feel transplanted or as if they never really belonged."

Get to KNOW them. As they grow, KNOW their interests, their likes/dislikes, really KNOW their personalities. Since they are not your bio kids, their interests & likes/dislikes may be very different from yours; their personalities may be very different. If so, accept & embrace it. Be open w/your communication, be a listener, give them lots of attention so they won't need to seek it elsewhere. I could go on & on, but there's a fine line b/t just good parenting of any child & parenting an adopted child.

I'm not even sure some of my issues even come from adoption, but come from poor parenting skills. I have talked to a few people who are also adopted & had nothing but good things to say about their a-parents & had no desire to find b-parents at all. So, all adoptees are not a mess like me.

[antdano]

"Please give me insight as to what could have been done early on to make a difference in what you are all feeling right now...I want to give them that "REAL FAMILY" kind of feeling, I don't want them to feel transplanted or as if they never really belonged."

Well, hmmm . with me ive known from the youngest age that i ddint like my adoptive family, i guess i pushed them away and they blame me for stuffing up there lives, maybe i did do things to unsettle them but i was only acting out the pain of feeling like not belonging.

Be as honest as possible with your kids! dont tell them lies or stretch the truth, dont think discussing adoption will make them run away from you and go and find there "real" parents cos they wont theyll always love you, you look after them. Try and find out what there interesting in etc, its not an adoptee only thing anyways lots of people who grow up with there birth family have teh same thing, just differing personalities

[radiodoll]

One of the greatest things I have learned in the past 14 years is "Feelings are not Facts."

The other one is "The only thing you can count on is change."

Hang in everyone.

Radiodoll

[shirleyville]

I can relate!
My a-parents are lovely people, and I have lived a fairy-tale life compared to most people that I know, but I am nothing like my parents and have never felt as if I "belonged" especially. It wasn't anything they did per se, other than just being who they are.....but who they are just never really "jived" with who I am.
I love them with all my heart....and I am thankful they are "mine".....don't get me wrong. It's just that the way I see everything in this world is so totally different....
My parents are very "anal", "black and white", "in the box" people......I am a "rainbow" kinda gal --- run whenever I see a box and fight like he!! if I ever get thrown into one -- and I couldn't be any more laid back if I tried. I have been a source of a lot of frustration for my parents over the years because they just couldn't ever grasp what the heck I was about. I am like some foreign being to them......like I dropped out of the sky from another planet.
People can't help their personalities and what makes them tick.....
I just learned to embrace who they are and I don't share a whole lot about my personal life with them, so they don't have to go thru the angst of wishing I wasn't doing the things I do --- or waste their breath trying to change my ways! LOL I save myself a lot of frustration that way....
Hugs,
Sally