[amymarie978]

I have been looking for my birth parents for the last 6 years. I have finally found my birth father, but it seems that he does not want to have contact with me. It hurts really really bad, and it brings up every feeling of rejection I've ever had. I never imagined that he might not want to have contact with me. Never imagined that. My only contact has been through email, though I have his phone #, and address as well. I realize he might feel scared or overwhelmed by my sudden appearance in his life but he could at least respond and tell me that he doesn't want to have contact with me. I also hoped he would give me information about my b-mother, but I'm not sure that is going to happen either. It has only been a few days since I first emailed him so maybe I'll still hear from him. I may call him as well but if he rejected me that way it would hurt me so bad, and I feel really scared about calling him out of the blue like that. People in my life have been very sympathetic, but it's hard, and I've kept things with most people fairly light. If any of you have been through this please let me know how you handled it. I know I should be patient but I am thinking about this all the time, checking my email over and over again to see if he might have written.

[GE_Glows]

amymarie

I think before I offer any advise I'd like a little more information. How did you find him? Are you 100% certain you have the right person? Can you confirm he read your e-mail?

A little bit of my own situation:

If he is indeed your bdad, and you just found him, I would be a little patient with expecting a response from him. My bdad, called me as soon as he got my information, we talked for less than 1/2 and hour, and then he was out of touch for almost a month. When he "came back" he had had some time to let it all "sink in" and we began what is becomeing a great relationship, so much more than I had ever hoped for.

Bottom line - the "searcher" has to be the patient one, we as searchers have had reunion on our minds for an extended peiord of time, the "found" person has not had the benefit of that time to process everything they feel/want/hope for. I KNOW it's hard. and I STILL stew when I haven't heard form him in awhile, but it's getting easier.

Best Wishes to you

Toby

[ccronk]

I wouldn't worry about it too much. I agree with Toby. Do you even know that he recieved the email? I have several email addresses out there but only check one of them on a daily basis. Take a deep breath and relax. It's possible that a call will be necessary to confirm that he did/did not recieve the email. If you can, find someone to make that call for you.

I hope everything works out for you,

Christina

[amymarie978]

Yes, I'm sure he read the email! I did get a response of sorts, it's a bit complicated. I used some interesting methods to determine it was him after I received the first couple of responses to emails. I have a lot of information about my b-parents and I made sure to verify everything I could. My verification methods were a bit questionable (not legally, but otherwise), I'd be willing to go into them, but not on a message board!!! At this point his lack of response is very telling. I have been able to verify his name, age, state he was born (he now lives on the other side of the country), and previous job history. He has a very very uncommon name so the chances of all of these things falling into line is extremely unlikely! He is currently living very close to where I was adopted.

Have you guys heard of any good search companies? I still don't know where my b-mother is. I got a quote from Kinsolving but it was way out of my budget.

Everyone has told me to be patient, but I don't know that I've ever wanted anything more than this. I didn't expect this kind of rejection. I'm trying to give him time now, before I contact him again, but I don't know how long I'll be able to wait..... E-mail doesn't seem to be working, I do know which chat rooms he likes, and I do know his phone #......

[amymarie978]

I was just reading your post again Christina, you're right it might be a very good idea to have someone else make the call for me, I'm considering that!!

[m26d15]

amymarie,

i know how very difficult it can be in that early stage of reunion, and am so sorry you are feeling rejected...its the worst isn't it...you know there are whole books written on this, the whole second rejection theory...so know you aren't alone, others have felt it and reacted as strongly as you. its painful, and you're right to keep it sort of light with the people in your life, they may not understand. but use these boards, adoptees here do understand and have experienced similar things.

i'm in reunion with my bdad, and although we have worked and are working on building a really solid relationship...this past year has been filled with what i kind of call mini rejections.

and one thought is this, not sure if you are doing it, but just food for thought. i was so scared of rejection. so terrified i'd find my parents and they wouldn't want to be in my life that i misread a lot of what my dad did as a rejection. i was sort of projecting it into the relationship because i was so focused on it, so terrified of it...

and i had to step back and remind myself that a. he's a man, and not to make a gross generalization, but men certainly process things differently, and often when emotions get intense they withdraw a little...go inward...you know, not at all how i handle it, i'd rather talk about it, or worse yet for him, if i notice him withdrawing, i want him to validate me...which he is in no place to do, because he's struggling in his own way... and b. reunion, especially early on, made me feel so needy. i was this super well adjusted woman, so happy, such a full life...i meet my dad, and its like i'm five all over again...and i don't know if you're feeling this way, but it stinks....as a woman, there is nothing worse than feeling needy, i hate it, it makes you feel so bloody weak and its just ridiculous etc. etc.

so just my two cents, but i guess if i were you i'd be patient...he needs a little time to process. and while you're doing that, giving him some time to let it sink in...make sure you surround yourself with people who validate you, and do things that make you feel good doing. its really important that through all this, through the crazy world of reunion, you remember who you were before. its easy to get swept up in the emotions and lose track of that. so find a way to go back to that space...just to keep one foot on the ground and don't let this rollercoaster that is reunion mess with your head too much.

but be patient, he may come around. and amymarie, if he doesn't, if he isn't in a place where he can handle this, please remember it has nothing to do with you. nothing at all. its about him, and where he's at. its not that you aren't good enough, or anything like that. everyone's worthy of love, its those who are unable to love that we need to worry about.

keep your chin up, use these boards and do take care, m26

[snow princess]

amymarie

I'm with the others on having to have some patience - you said you have had emails back, why do you think he does not want to have contact with you =- has he said so in his emails to you?

If you think he is backing away - then it sounds like he needs some time to think all this thru.

I am not in reunion so I havent been thru those feelings yet and I can imagine how hard it must be to sit and wait, but I have also read posts from some who keep pushing and closed the doors even more.

mary

[amymarie978]

He pretended to be someone else, but honestly that was just a big tip-off b/c that's the kind of thing my brother and I would do (we're both a tad bit eccentric).... I found other means to confirm his identity after this.......

[amymarie978]

I do want to thank all of you for your words of wisdom with this, I didn't know what to expect and I wasn't prepared for this. M26, your words were especially kind and helpful, thank you for all the understanding you showed me.

[m26d15]

no problem...hang in there...and use these boards whenever necessary...god knows i've used them to death through this!!!

take care, m26

[MattP]

Hi, I can very much relate to how you're feeling. I hired a search consultant to find my bfather in Jan (she's extremely good, if you want a reference). He did respond, but so far our only contact has been via email. We had set a date to finally meet, but then he had to (or chose to) postpone it. I haven't heard from him in a couple of weeks, and I'm not sure what to do at this point.

Some of his earlier emails were very emotionally honest, and he did tell me that it was very overwhelming when he first heard from me. He also mentioned that he still has a lot of pain 37 years later about having to give me up. I think a part of him wants to meet me, but he's scared, so he's avoiding me.

I know how hard it is to be patient when you want contact so badly. My bmom died young, so he's all I have left, which makes this even harder to take. But I have to remember that I have been working on the pain and loss issues for a while, whereas it's still very new to him.

Is he married? If so, it's possible his family might not even know about you, which would make it even more overwhelming for him. Also, have you tried sending him a letter and maybe including some pictures of you? I did that, figuring that tugging at his (and his mother's) heartstrings a little might motivate him to reach out.

I'm sorry you're going through all of this. For me, the worst part is that I have to guess about how he feels when he doesn't write to me. I'd rather he just tell me directly -- not hearing from him at all is much more stressful. Don't give up yet, he may surprise you once he's processed things a little more. Please feel free to drop me a line (MattP44@aol.com) if you ever need to talk.

-Matt