[Brenda Logsdon]

I just need some support and help w/ my own confusion. I reunited w/ my biomom last spring and we have kept in loose phone contact on and off since. I am 44 and am the one who initiated the search. Bmom's first words to me were to blame her 89 yo mother for making her give me up when she was living on her own in another city at age 20.

Our first mtg was a visit to her home and she seemed candid in her answers to my questions. I think that is all I wanted but occassional phone calls were ok. She wanted to visit me in my home and was going to be in my area enroute from seeing her son's new baby, so, I agreed to a weekend visit at my home.

Long story short...I do not like her. She is not a very nice person and her negativity and selfishness is more than I want in my life. I have been feeling overwhelmed and confused since her visit. Issues that I thought I had dealt w/ regarding my family and self esteem have reared their ugly heads and I've been dealing w/ insomnia, confusion, sadness and self loathing, since her visit.

I am aware I do not have to have anymore contact w/ her but am also concerned about hurting her. I am convinced (in my limited understanding of her) that she could never grasp any explanation of my need to close this door. Has anyone else had similar experiences? I believe I got so caught up in not having any expectations that I lost why I was searching at all-if that makes sense to anyone!? Help!

[m26d15]

first off, i'm so sorry your reunion isn't going well...good reunions are hard enough emotionally to handle....but bad reunions can just be exhausting!!

i can understand where you are at, i am adoptee in reunion with my bdad for nearly a year. and while it seems my situation is a lot more positive than yours, we have had some serious bouts and trials throughout this past year....

like you, all of a sudden all my little crazy quirks came back. i guess not quirks, but issues, or ways of behavior i thought i had conquered in my early twenties. and all i can chalk it up to is that it is such a highly emotional time. and i was/am feeling so completely vulnerable, that it all just came flooding back.

but it made me feel so crazy. because here i was, a perfectly adjusted adult, had even started a search because i figured i was at such a great place in my life i was finally ready for it....then go figure, total backpedal.

so my advice to that...what i've needed to do. is really step away from that and just remind myself of who i was before all this, how proud i was that i had conquered these demons...just remind yourself that you beat these issues before...surround yourself with people who validate you...and know that you aren't alone, or crazy, or regressing...alot of adoptees go through the same thing.

and as for closing the door, she doesn't need to understand it, she just has to respect it. people make choices all the time that we may or may not understand...but we just have to respect that they are making the best choice for them... if you aren't strong enough right now to cope with this, step away....its one thing to kind of have bouts of old issues coming back, and be able to recognize it and stop the self loathing...but if its so much that you really spiral down...step back and protect yourself.

like you, i was so determined to not have expectations that it confused everything. it stopped me from making boundaries. which is so necessary in reunion. we have to tell each other what is acceptable behaviour and what isn't. and frankly, i was simply lying to myself. of course i had expectations. i have expectations of everyone in my life, its the only way to have healthy relationships. so why excuse my father? or your mother? for fear of rejection? egad, its in vulnerable or rocky relationships that we most need expectations and boundaries. its the only way to save ourselves from falling into destructive patterns.

i don't know if this is at all helpful. but please know you aren't alone. take care and just do what's best for you!! noone needs to understand it except you...

take care, m26

[Brenda Logsdon]

It feels so good to know that someone else has had a similar experience! Your points about expectations and boundaries are so true and I am usually so good w/ them in other relationships! I think I may have been deluding myself about all my expectations! It appears I did expect bmom to be a "nice" person. Now I'm in limbo about the info she gave me about biofather and whether i have the courage/strength to look for him. Thank you so much for your support!!! At least I am beginning to realize the upheavel I am feeling is related to this process-not because I haven't worked "hard enough" on myself!

[m26d15]

no way...don't ever think it isn't because you haven't worked hard enough on yourself...

sheesh...i had days where my mantra was...its not you, its reunion...its not you, its reunion.

its crazy, and it messes with your head, but just remember who you are and you'll be just fine!!!

good luck to you! and borrow my little mantra whenever necessary!!

take care, m26

[Brenda Logsdon]

Come to think of it...I think I was Ok w/ me just a few weeks ago! Thx for helping me see that! I know I will get plenty of use from the mantra! You have been a true gift at this overwhelming time!

[RiverGal]

so my advice to that...what i've needed to do. is really step away from that and just remind myself of who i was before all this, how proud i was that i had conquered these demons...just remind yourself that you beat these issues before...surround yourself with people who validate you...and know that you aren't alone, or crazy, or regressing...alot of adoptees go through the same thing.

What sage advice! I just felt so compelled to post and tell you that your words also ring very true to me in my situation, and I am a birthmother!

Once I finally got a physical address on my birthdaughter after 16 years of searching, I found the same demons moving in...and after I sent the initial letter, I was almost ready to hide under a rock.

All the things I THOUGHT I had dealt with came sneaking up through every little crack in my psyche and ego. I have literally buried myself in this forum...for support, validation and the security of knowing that my feelings are not unusual.

Brenda, I'm really sorry that you are having to suffer through your birthmom's emotional issues. I spent years working through my anger and confussion. I knew if there was going to be a prayer of a chance for a relationship with my daughter, I had to be as emotionally healthy as I could.

While it is true that relinquishing a child leaves scars and often unresolved feelings, it is NOT your fault, and to expect you to flourish under those circumstances is just plain wrong. It will just weigh you down and smother any good feelings you had about reuniting. Sometimes we just have to distance ourselves from the toxic people in our lives, no matter who they are.

I'm really sorry you are in pain. It is unfair.

(((HUGS)))

~Deb

[Brenda Logsdon]

Deb, Thanx for your support and especially for your permission to exclude this toxicity from my life! I am sure everyone in the reunification process is impacted by overwhelming feelings. It truly helps to know others have had similar experiences!