[marygrace]

Does anyone else frequently hit upon the belief that when one is adopted you suffer no loss-and that there should be no feelings of anger, grief, sorrow, hate, confusion, abandonment, etc. etc. because "you were given a family" and your adoptive parents are your "real parents" now?

I have always felt out of place within my adoptive family and I have had numerous problems and issues to deal with because of my adoption, yet so many people aren't willing to acknowledge that I lost my mother and father, and for that matter all my extended blood family.

That's why I'm so glad to come to a forum like this, and see that I am not alone when it comes to seeing the downside of adoption for the child.

[cathy102]

I think it doesn't matter if you are adopted or not. I think it's how you were raised by your parents. I know alot of people that were adopted and had a great childhood and being adopted was not an issue. I can tell you that I wasn't adopted and I didn't like my mom growing up. She was not the nicest lady but is great now. I think that if having a loving home where the parents get along great and love their kids with their whole hearts, then adoption shouldn't effect the kids.

Now my kids are adopted and my hubby and I love each other so much. Our kids will be lucky because they have 2 parents that still hold hands, hug and kiss in front of our kids. They will know who their birthfamilies are at an early age...

I am sorry that you didn't have a great time growing up. You know, you could of grew up with your bio family and had the same childhood. Just a thought..

Are you trying to find your Bio family? I wish you all the luck, and again I am sorry that your childhood was not good. Mine wasn't either but I had to just deal with it and go on with life. I am a much happier person for that. I don't want to be a mom like my mom was to me.. My dad was great!!!

My 2 cents...

Cathy

[lewellen]

MaryG,

Keep in mind that the attitude you speak of comes from people that aren't adopted. The "you should be so grateful to your a-parents, you are so lucky to have them" thing always kind of got to me too. I didn't have a horrible childhood (normal ups and downs, huge teenage rebellion etc. but not horrible) but I always thought that if I didn't get the set of parents I did, I would have got somebody else. Let's face it, an adoptable baby is and always was a hot commodity. First, look at it as people were lined up to get ahold of you.

Secondly, what the heck would anybody else know about it. Non-adoptees know why they are allergic to shellfish or penicillin. Non-adoptees know why they wear a size 12 shoe. Non-adoptees know that cancer or heart disease run in their family. Non-adoptees know their ethnic heritage. Many adoptees don't know these things. Genetics are part of who you are. You have the right to know.

Most birth parents were only doing the best they could at the time. Yes you lost them, but they lost you too. I don't beleive the vast majority of birth parents wanted to give up their children. They were in situations that forced them to make a heart wrenching decision. Yes, you should feel a sense of loss, but remember that birth families feel that too. It's not something a lot of people on the outside can understand.

Lots of non-adoptees had bad childhoods and are not grateful to their parents. Look at it as if you have a decent explaination for your parent troubles. The fact that adoptees have something of a second chance on families can be seen as a great advantage. Try to think of yourself as lucky in some respects. Nobody knows what is good for you but you. Take care of yourself. The people that really love you will understand.

Good Luck,

LewEllen

[bridges]

Mary Grace,

Yes, I get this attitude (if not words) from other non-adoptees, too.

Both my adoptive parents have died. No one asked me to "get over" them. And I haven't. Sure the first year was the hardest. They've each been dead over 10 years now and I still have not "gotten over" it nor should I want to.

My b parents "died" (to me) 49 years ago, along with my biological family. Even though they may be physically still alive, the grief is still there. While I have some contact with my b mom's family, the "death" still occurred. I cannot bring that back to life. I can share with her now, but I cannot replace those lost years. I have not met my b father and probably never will. He is as "dead" as my a dad. "Get over it," why should I?

Carolyn Kay

[marygrace]

I completely understand Bridges.

The hardest part about it is though, is that your birthparents choose to be "dead" to you- which makes the loss so difficult to deal with. It is not the same as say, your parents actually dying when you are a few days old- say in a car crash or something. Because when you are adopted you grow up knowing it was not that your parents could not be there- it was that they chose not to.

It is so hard for the adoptee because they feel all this loss, anger, fear, abandonment, grief, sorrow, etc. etc. because of the actions of their parents- the people who are supposed to keep and love them.

[l-thompson]

It is very hard to explain how you feel about being adopted if you are not an adoptee.....

I am not bitter, twisted or emotionally scarred from being adopted, far from it ,but trying to explain to people why I searched for my birthfamily was beyond many peoples comprehension.

When I was actually reunited, the questions began again.
These days I don't even try to justify myself to people that don't understand. My feelings are mine to feel, I have every right to them and no longer have any need to explain or even attempt to to people that really don't want to listen.

What I have found incredulous over the years is how righteous some people are when it comes to the subject of adoption and surprise! surprise! they are not an adoptee, a birthparent or an adoptive parent

[snuffie]

I agree with l thompson. Most of the people who do not understand have not had adoption touch them.

I had wonderful aparents who have both been gone for several years now. I loved them with all of my heart. But there was a void in me that nothing could fill. Until I found and reunited with my bfamily!

Though I have had a wonderful reunion, I believe that no matter what you find when you reunite you finally become a complete person.

Those who are nottouched by adoption do not have any idea what we adoptees search for. And it has nothing to do with having a wonderful or disfunctional afamily

[bridges]

Thanks, LT,

Your response about "how righteous some people are" made me realize how many people in my life have tried to make me believe that there is something wrong, perhaps morally wrong, with my feelings. It also made me realize how morally wrong they are to express their feelings, since usually "they are not an adoptee, a birthparent or an adoptive parent." I quit justifying but felt bad about doing so -- somewhat rebellious, which is not me. Your comments have freed me to continue to feel and to search without guilt.

Mary Grace, I agree. The "death" is harder because the biological parents choose to "die." Sometimes, in war for example, someone will choose to die to save the lives of their buddies. Maybe the choice was an awful one but it was the best choice they had.

LewEllen, now I know why I search. I've got to know why this 128 pound girl (me) wears a size 11 shoe (lol). Very good point!

Carolyn Kay

[maryjanek]

It is not the same as say, your parents actually dying when you are a few days old- say in a car crash or something. Because when you are adopted you grow up knowing it was not that your parents could not be there- it was that they chose not to.

marygrace --

I'm so sorry that you grew up feeling that way. There really is a much greater likelihood that your bmother felt she had no choice, that she wanted a good life for you, one she couldn't give you. It's true I made the "choice," but I grieved for my son as if he had died, because he was "dead" to me -- gone from my life with no hope of ever seeing him again. I felt tremendous guilt for having gotten pregnant when I couldn't parent, and adoption honestly looked to me like the most responsible choice for his welfare.

That was in 1969. Thirty years later the world was a different place and I was able to search and find him. The day he called me was one of the happiest days of my life, on a par with the day my daughter was born. But it was a chance series of events that led me to actively search. I might just as easily have remained hopeless and passive where he was concerned.

I understand now that all adoptees suffer an emotional loss. But a child may still be better off with adoptive parents than they would have been with their birthparent(s). Your bmother almost certainly believed that you would be. I hope someday you can forgive her and find some peace with your adoption. If meeting her would help you do that, I hope you find each other in reunion.

((Hugs))

Mary Jane

[vicrose]

I-Thompson...you nailed it!!!I actually have run accross many people throughout my life who have never understood the whole complexity of my wanting to search..and yes, they were in no way part of the adoption triad....but, I ran accross the stupidest person of all...when I was speaking to the detective from the Poughkeepsie Police Department..who stated "why do you need your medical history anyway...is it really that vital"...of all the stupid people in the world...he really topped the cake....and the funny thing about it is...he didn't even realize it was a stupid comment...until I brought it to his attention!! Hugs, Brenda

[Laura Palmer]

I too have run across many people, especially ones even in my own family---that have said, well, you found them now it is time to get on with your life!!!! That is so stupid I think. My birthparents are both deceased & before I found them. So I have some contact with family on my birth father's side (my birthmom's side doesn't wish contact). That is OK but I still need some sort of closure, ya know? When me & my uncle talk it is just general "how's the weather" talk & sometimes I feel like I need more. But it is early with my reunion with him, so I guess I need to relax & give it time. At least he accepts me, where I fit in I'm not sure. I find myself distancing myself from people who don't understand the feelings I have. Just ignore the negative people & they will go away!!!! LOL Thanks.

[ChristiBender]

I learned to be more judicious in who I mentioned my search/reunion to. I get VERY angry and VERY "tight" when people start to tell me to get over it or question Why would you care? They didn't want you anyway.

Now when I mention it and I get a negative attitude I do one of a couple of things.
1. First I stop and make a mental note that they can't understand because of their lack of exposure to the situation.
2. Then I make a mental note that it isn't important to them and never has been something they have thought about so they are just commenting without engaging their brains. Sometimes at this point I just change the subject or walk away.
3. But...If at that point I think I am dealing with a person who really DOES have a brain I might make a comment to "wake them up". Such a comment might be "You know, it's funny that in this Country we are allowed to stand in Times Square and speak our mind about anything we think.... but we aren't allowed to know the very people who conceived us. We have a constitutional right to the pursuit of happiness, but it is illegal for us to know our natural parents. I am constantly amazed that that lack of a basic right is accepted as perfectly o.k."
4. If the person I am dealing with seems to be defending my Aparent's rights I try to remind them that I was the ONLY one in the equation who had no voice....and would they like to have the entire course of their lives changed suddenly (even for their own good) without so much as an EXPLANATION??? Note at this point my voice is generally getting louder and my veins are starting to pop out!

Generally speaking I feel it best to be more careful about who I mention the subject to.... but if I do mention it and get a negative comment I try to leave an impression that maybe this isn't such an open and shut matter after all. If we don't try to make the public aware nothing will change.

[bridges]

Ooooo!!! Please forgive me for responding again, but I am just beginning to realize how this thread has spoken to me.

I just had lunch with my husband and updated him on an e-mail I received this a.m. from my aledged biological sister, about meeting for the first time. His comment, "Why don't you leave this alone for a while. You're wasting entirely too much time on this."

Yes, Laura, the hardest to take is when it is from your own immediate family. Yes, Christi, I will probably keep more to myself, but I wish it weren't from my husband.

Oooo!!! Thanks for the support.

Carolyn Kay

[Laura Palmer]

That is exactly what my hubby did!!! And it hurt. Someone who is supposed to support you, right??? He's coming along now. But it has only been 3 months into reunion with my birth uncle (my birthfather's brother). My both birthparents are deceased. And no I never got the chance to meet either one. At least yours is a sister. I too have recently found my birth half-brother & my hubby was kinda flipping out on meeting him. Try to talk things slow & try not to talk so much about them, even though it's hard not too!!! Good luck in your reunion. And if you need to talk you can PM me!!!!

[bridges]

Marygrace, Laura, and others,

I got up the nerve to ask my [alleged] birth sister for her telephone number. After having the number for a week, I called her last night. We talked for over an hour. We've decided that we want to be friends, regardless of whether or not we're related. We're going to arrange a meeting very soon. [I chose not to make arrangements --give us both time to regroup].

Christi, I ignored your advice and told my husband all about the call. Laura, he kept saying, "Why?" "Why did you do that?" "Why would you want to meet her?" et al.

Well, I can't answer all the "Why's," but I'm sure I would have been sorry if I had not pursued this. So, I guess, "Why not."

"Why ... can't he understand?"

Please let me know how things are going for you?

Carolyn Kay