[ChristiBender]

I am sorry your husband isn't being as supportive as you would like. I expect that from people "unconnected"... but not from my family. And certainly not from my partner. I am sorry you are getting that slack.

You might have depend on us here... (ahhh love the forum) for more of your support and let your husband ease into it.

He might be afraid of losing you.... or afraid you will be hurt. Maybe ask him WHY HE is so against you having contact. Sometimes a simple question can answer a lot of things..... Then again, just like you can't answer the why... he might not be able to articulate it either.

Regardless.... be cautious if nothing else and remember the forum is here.. filled with people who do GET IT...

Here's a (((hug))) since it sounds like you need one.

[Laura Palmer]

I feel sorry about your hubby not understanding but as you know I am sort of in the same position. I am, however, having a barbeque this Sun & will be meeting my half-bro for the first time. As long as he can get a ride up. My hubby is still unsure of it, but I am hoping everything will work itself out. Don't feel bad though. It's only normal to want to know & I don't think there's anything wrong in doing it. I am here for you & you can always PM me! Thnx & good luck.

[antdano]

there is PAIN in adoption, i really wish non-adoptees understood this!! but none i have met do.

When you were adopted you probably suffered the biggest loss imaginable - YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY - GONE! - YOUR BLOOD - YOUR HERITAGE - YOUR CLAN - taken off you!

how do you expect one to get over such a loss, try explaining to them - imagine losing your entire family you know now, all of them mother father brothers sisters cousins aunts nephews etc etc, they wouldnt beable to get over that, so either should we

never underestimate or feel guilty about the pain you feel!

stand tall and educate the uneducated on the matters!

[bridges]

Antdano, I hope you don't mind my using your illlustration. This might be a way non-adoptees can relate.

Laura, How did your BBQ go? Does meeting the live person (once dead) help the non-adoptee understand? Let me say that better. Your half-brother, who was lost to you for many years (dead), has been found (now alive). You've now had a chance to meet him. You're hubby got to meet him, too. Did he get a glimpse of the loss you felt? Did the meeting help him understand in any way?

Carolyn Kay

[Laura Palmer]

I never met my half-bro yet. He couldn't make the BBQ on the 4th. He doesn't drive & therefore couldn't get a ride. His mom's car is beat & on Sunday buses are hard to come by. My aunt & uncle came & we had a good time. I am glad you guys responded back to this post. I am having a difficult time with my a-parents & hubby vs. my bithfamily. That is why I haven't posted in a while. I come on every now & then to read the posts though. I think everyone just wants me to "get over" it. I really don't even see me doing anything against them. It is a hard thing to deal with. Everyone is kind of worrying about their own feelings instead of mine. I'm kinda waiting for this to blow over & hopefully it will soon. I'm not picking my b-family over my own family. I'm just an emotional mess!!! Thanks,


Sue

[bridges]

Laura Sue,

My a. parents did not change my given name. My b. mom calls me Carolyn Kay. My a. mom always called me Carolyn, as does my husband, his family, and current friends. I don't think of myself as either. I'm KayC (or kc) in my mind. What's that got to do with this?

When I was your age and my a. parents were still alive, I did not search for my b. family for fear that they would be hurt. I understand how they might have felt. I don't know if that was a mistake or not. After their death, I felt a lot more freedom in the area. But now I realize how much I missed because of the lost years -- missed experiences, b. family members deceased, lost memories/documents to help really learn the truth.

The so called experts says we should spend quality time alone with each of our children. Perhaps the comparison should be made to each of our parents. I would not spend time with one child and talk about the other child. I would spend time with each, focusing on each. Should we treat our parents the same way?

Now Carolyn or Carolyn Kay? Do I choose to be Carolyn or Carolyn Kay? I choose to be neither.

Don't give up the search. But do consider your families.

(((Hugs)))

kc

A person who give away love always has plenty of love left over.
A person who withholds his love has none left.

[Laura Palmer]

Thanks for the advice!!!! Maybe I should just chill out for a bit, huh? That was a quick reply!!! I mean my birthfamily is not running away. And they are younger than my a-family. So I guess they'll be there, huh? Wow that is so cool that your a-mom kept your birthname. I mean that is cool. Did she say why ever???


Sue