[Gina78]

Hi, I hope I am on the right forum for this question.

I'm a new AMom to a beautiful 6 week old boy. (relative adoption) He is our angel, and we would never want to do anything to hurt him. Here's my question...

We were trying to concieve when approached by our BMom. So we put those plans on hold and went ahead with our adoption procedure. (still not final, but looking good). I have polycystic overies, so conception is difficult but not impossible. And being only 25 years old, I'd definately like more children.

So what I'd like to know is how to approach this situation. Will it cause my son resentment or pain? Will he feel different or like an outsider? How can we prevent that? I was reading a book on adopted children and it said that bio kids can be rather cruel and suggested giving your adopted child 2 birthdays. A regular b-day, and a special finalization anniversary day when we would tell him how happy we are that he's our son and let him know how special he is to us.
I'm just afraid that doing so would single him out and make him feel "different". We definetly don't want that.

We are just trying to difuse situations before they arise, and I thought asking people who have already been through what he'll be dealing with would be a great place to start. Thanks in advance.

[FatBirdy]

Congrats on the adoption of your angel!

I am an adoptee from the closed era - I know things are different now, especially with open and semi open adoptions. If your adoption is an open one this info may not help you but here is my story anyway.

I am from a family with bio and adopted kids....there is NO difference between the siblings in my family. The bio kids never poked fun of the adoptees and vice versa re: adoption. It was never an issue. We only celebrated bdays - it never occured to me to celebrate the day I came home. I think that would have made the bio kids feel left out. I think as long as you do for one kid what you do for the others you won't have any problems. All of the adoptees were adopted as babies and we were all raised knowing who was adopted and who was not.....it was so normal in my family - for the longest time I just thought parents sometimes had their own kids and sometimes didn't. It was a non issue for many years of my life.

[Duchie]

Hi Gina -

I'm a reunited adoptee from the 60's closed era. I was raised with 2 siblings that were biologically connected to my parents.

Although my sister and I don't have the best relationship, my brother and I are best friends (9 years apart). Our parents never treated any of us differently. Actually, I take that back. Or at least part of it. The little sister (3 years younger than I) had a kidney removed when she was 16 mos old and was always treated with kid gloves. So, she just turned out to be a brat and never got over it - LOL.

Anyway - my point being that there was no resentment because my parents were completely up front with me about adoption and always encouraged a search. If you're child's adoption is open then I think it will be easier. Just more to love!!!!

About the 2 birthday things - My mom always calls me on the day that they got me to wish me a special day. Our son (who is adopted) came to live with us on my 26th Birthday. We celebrate together.

Good luck and keep the faith.

Duchie

[heartfelt]

I just wanted to let ya know, coming from the spouse of an adopted child. My husband has had rejection issues since he was told he was adopted. That was about 5 years of age. Be careful and wise when choosing a time to tell your child. I think waiting till they are mature enough to understand is def. the best decision to make. Telling a little kid just puts doubts in their heads. THey need that time to grow and bond with YOU and not think about the missing link...so that when you do inform them, they know they have your love and support no matter what...just an opinion, hope it helps...

[FatBirdy]

Ohhh too make this even more confusing for you.......I am an adoptee and I have known for as long as I can remember. It was such a non issue I don't even remember being told - I knew I was adopted and life went on. At least for me, this was great and I never had any doubts or feelings of rejection - I suspect that has a lot to do with the wording of the discussion along with the sensitivity level of the child. So, for my two cents - I would begin telling your child as soon as possible and not waiting until they are mature enough to understand.

[Hval]

Heartfelt's point is definately valid. I however feel that its only one possible scenerio. I was told that I was adopted at age 3. I think a lot of it has to do with the parents and what messages they are transferring to the children.

It eneters into the "when do you tell a child" debate, which is for a different link...

The fact that you, as a parent are here asking these very important questions is a testimony to your compassion and love toward your child (well, HOPEFULLY...children).

Being mindful of the adopted child's feelings and being respectful of his or her place in your family is the key. My opinion (and its just one of MANY) is that you can have kids that can be cruel to one another. It has less to do with adoption and more to do with "they're KIDS!!!".

I think that we see a lot about the negative experiences in these situations in print (books, etc) only because not enough people write about those families where everything is going smoothly and successfully. It's possible and YOU can make it so.

Just food for thought.
H.Val.

[echaos]

Hi Gina,

My partner and I are in a very similar situation. We too were trying to conceive when we were approached about adopting. We too plan on conceiving a child in the near future. While I have thought it over as to how it will affect Liam, I know in my heart that it won't be an issue because we will raise all of our children as just that, our children, loved equally. How they came to be part of our family is a part of their life story, not a life defining event.

I am also an adoptee, though I was raised as an only child so I never had to deal with these issues. However I have always known that I was adopted and never made to feel different from anyone in my family, I was just me.

good luck in all that you undertake!

[potato]

A friend of mine was adopted at a young age and raised with his birth parent's biological children. He feels more out of place than anyone I've ever met. I think it has to do with how the parents raise the kids. I am an adoptee as well, but I was raised as an only child in a very broken home. Other kids were not an issue.

[scp]

Under some unusual circumstances, I am the middle child in my family and the only adoptee ! My brothers and I have always known that I am adopted and it was never really an issue. I can only remember once that my younger brother said to me "your mom didn't want you", and my response was "oh yeah,how do you know mom and dad wanted YOU,they got to pick me from a whole room of babies" ! I believe we were 4 and 6 at the time. My brothers are very protective of me - my parents were always great about pointing out how we were all "special" because they never thought that they would be able to have any of us. I think that you are truly blessed,as my parents are, to be able to have biological as well as adopted children. I have three of my own, and if my husband would agree to it, I would adopt also.

I wish you and your family the best,just the fact that you are concerned about the situation already tells me that you will find the right way !

Good Luck !

Sarah

[Nicole28]

I am nineteen years old, and every year we celebrate my birthday, as well as the day my parent's brought me home from the adoption agency. (three days later) I have always looked forward to both celebrations - especially the day my parent's and I became a family. I have always felt "extra special" because I have another day of celebration. I am an only child, so I am not sure how the situation would go if I had siblings who were biologically related to my mom & dad, but I doubt that there would be hard feelings. I babysat for a family with four children - the two oldest were adopted from Columbia, and the younger two are their parent's biological children. They celebrate the day that they brought the two oldest children home to America and the day they all became a family, and the younger two siblings love planning all kinds of surprises and activities for their older brother and sister. It makes them feel grown-up and important! I think celebrating the day you all became a family is important, and involvement of the entire family is key. Good luck...

Nicole

[foxgirl]

congrats on the baby!!

i think that if you made sure that your adopted son knew he was loved and treated him equally with your birth children you should be fine! my friend is adopted and his aparents have 2 kids of their own and he knows he's loved there. as long as you explain how you feel to your son i'm sure things will be great for you and your family!

[beachallie]

I was an only child adoptee.

I was told..I think..at a very young age. I don't know exactly if I was told or what happened, but I just always knew.

When a child gets older...."mature" it makes things very difficult in processing all of the "why" questions.

I am 19 years old and if I were told now.. which I would assume to be the age where a child is mature enough to know.. it could have potentially screwed me up.

I honestly know that I would have been depressed about the issue.. being lied to or mislead my entire life by people who love me would not be something I would need to deal with.. espeically with all of the pressures on teenagers.

Rejection and resentment would have hit me now.
I have absolutely no rejection or resentment issues and I think that always knowing is a great contributor to that.

Good luck...

Allie

[Cheryl62]

I'm an adult adoptee, and thought I would throw in my two cents' worth, in case it helps!

I was the oldest in a family of 3 children. My next youngest brother was also adopted, and my youngest was my a-parents' biological child. It truly and honestly never mattered to any of us. We had a similar experience at a young age, of my littlest brother making some "I'm their real child" remark, and us two adoptees making some "yeah, but they got to PICK us, and were stuck with you" comeback. I don't ever remember another issue. We also never celebrated anything other than birthdays - it just wasn't relevant when we joined the family - we were the same. I honestly don't believe you will cause your adopted boy any pain by having biological children if that is what you want. (I also have a sneaky suspicion that in some ways it could even lessen any feelings of less worth to be raised knowing, because you see it first hand, that being adopted does NOT mean you're loved any less...after all, if you have nothing to compare it to....).

I was told at a young age as well - - don't even remember not knowing. I agree with another poster that for me, at least, that was much preferable to finding it out later, and feeling a sense of either implicit betrayal, or identity crisis as I had to try to re-put together who I was.

IMO, the most important thing is that these children are loved, totally, and unconditionally, in a healthy family environment. If they've got that, they will be fine and happy people, no matter how many or what "kind" of siblings they have.

Best wishes to you!

[bailycat]

I am the youngest child with two older biosiblings. I have always known that I was adopted and was treated no differently. I think it's best not to make then feel very different by doing extra special things for them. Talk openly about it and answer all questions the best you can - no secrets is the best.

Maegen

[Irish2687]

I think the best way to approach letting a kid know they are adopted is by telling them when they are young enough that they probably won't remember the day you told them, but they will always know they were adopted. Make them feel special about it and not different. If you make a big deal about it, it will be a big deal. I'm 17 and adopted
, and I can say I hold a ton of resentment toward my biological mother. I hate her. I don't think you should allow the biological mother any involvement with her son while he's growing up if you can avoid it. That would make it seem as though your just babysitting him and when he gets older or she's responsible enough he can go with her.