[U Deriaz]

I was adopted by my mom at 6 weeks old. I've always known I was adopted and It's never been that big an issue. I have wonderful parents and a great life, one that I would not have had had I not been adopted. Having said that I've always felt like a fraud - almost as though I was living someone elses life. I've always done things which I know would make my parents proud, and achieved an awful lot, though have constantly felt that I was never good enough. I know my parents adore me and that anything I do is good for them, but I can't seem to find a peace within me. I try and please other people all the time, and feel guilty and say sorry for things which are really not my fault. I have no wish to meet my bmom, I know she was very young when I was born, and I don't blame her for giving me away, but I just don't feel like I would have anything in common with her. I've grown to look like my adoptive mom, and we have very similar personailties and characters, yet how come I feel like a different species sometimes? I've always been quite stable and never really dwelt on the fact that I'm adopted. However my husband and I have recently started trying for a baby. I would like nothing more than to have a child, but the whole 'blood' relative thing is freaking me out! and has subsequently caused me to question my feelings about myself and my life. I just want to feel like me for a change, I know it's completely unjustified but I've gone through life feeling like a poor substitute and I just want it to stop. Any ideas????

[feelinglost]

U Deriaz,
I believe after reading alot of posts, that all adoptees have had similiar feelings....why? only a Dr. would really know that answers. I found out later in life, and still had all these feelings as you have. Feeling something wasn't quite right, not really fitting in, always worried that I said or did something wrong. You didn't live someone elses life, your you, your parents were not your bparents, but you are who you are. One thing now that keeps me grounded when I feel like the whole world is caving in, if I wasn't adopted I would not be were I am today, Great husband, good kids etc. So this must have had to be this way for a reason, I don't know why..it just did. You did not make this choice in your younger life, but you make your choices now...You can't change the past, but we must learn to deal with it. I already had kids, so I had to deal with this on different level... Not easy...long roads....sleepless nights...but you know your not alone....let us know how things go!!!!!

[l-thompson]

U Deriaz - You say in your post you have no desire to find your birthmom....reading your post and relating to some of the feelings you are expressing....are you sure?

To get some kind of closure and to find that inner peace I believe we need to know where we came from. This is how I felt, perhaps you don't...but I can't help but sense you will continue feeling this way for the rest of your life if you don't get some of your questions answered.

You say you feel like you are from a different species - well, biologically you are different from your a/family. You have a mix of genes that have come from your birthparents. Would you feel differently if you could find out about their character, their personality??...would that not help you??

Only you know the answers to that but as an adoptee who has reunited, the healing has been a blessing.

[snuffie]

I totally agree with l-thompson.

Are you sure you do not want to find your bmom? Or is it somewhere you are afraid of going? Because you may feel guilt about doing so.

I had wonderful adopted parents but also felt so very different from them. I have reunited with my bfamily and we are so similar it's almost scary.

To want to search and find does not take anything away from your adopted parents. There is more room to love in our hearts than is imaginable. By searching we are not trying to replace our adopted parents, but to find inner peace and closure.

There is also the need for medical info. etc.

I agree that my healing too has been a blessing.

[U Deriaz]

thanks for your replies.

I think that at this stage it's too early to be thinking about whether or not I want to meet my bmom. I've had 31 years of feeling fine about being adopted, and until recently haven't given it that much thought. However at the moment I feel as though I've just opened the flood gates and I think I need some time to work through this for myself first and decide how I really feel and what I really want - i've got so many thoughts and ideas swimming around in my head.

I guess I'm also sceptical that a reunion would provide all the answers, and maybe I just needed to discover that the way I feel is similar to the way a lot of adoptees feel and that I'm not alone in my thoughts and feelings. I've not had contact with any other adoptees in my life and reading the messages on this site has been quite scary at times as the emotions described are just how I feel. That in itself is making me realise that the way I feel is quite natural.

feelinglost - What you say about not being where you are today is exactly what my husband said to me last night - and it really struck home. Like you I have a great husband, life, home, parents, all this I wouldn't have had without being adopted. I am starting to feel more at home with myself knowing that there are others like me out there - I don't feel quite so alone and I think that has been half the battle so far.

I Still think I've got a long way to go - but at least now I feel the path is a little clearer and that I'm travelling in the right direction.

[Lovemends2]

Your quotation: "How do you find inner peace?"

After 22 years of my adoption I found both of my birth parents. My birth dad died when I was 10 but his family is very happy with my return. My birth mom met me once and rejected me completely with no hope of return.

Your question where can we find inner peace? I did not have complete inner peace before and after my reunion with my birth parents even I got some answers to my questions I had in my mind after 22 years.

I do not think for my own experiences....I had to figure out and search for the inner peace I really needed that my birth mom can't or my adoptive mom is unable to.

Inner Peace in my own life which I think is a lifetime goal. No matter how hard I seek for it....I will have barriers preventing me from reaching that inner peace I really need.

[Searching_03256]

Originally posted by feelinglost
U Deriaz,
I believe after reading alot of posts, that all adoptees have had similiar feelings....why? only a Dr. would really know that

There definately are a lot of adoptees that do; but not all of us.

I believe that "inner peace" is not a place that you can ultimately find, but rather a choice to be at peace wherever you are. In other words, I don't let my circumstances define whether I am at peace. I am where I am in life today because of choices that I have made (both for the good and the bad).

I would encourage you to determine whether it is in your power and control to be at peace with where you are now. For some it is easy, for others hard and still for others impossible. Whether you are at peace today (or where you are today period) is influenced A LOT by your past, including your adoption. But where you are tomorrow is based upon YOUR choices TODAY. (Admittedly there are SOME factors over which we just don't have any choice about (physical or mental abnormalities come to mind) but we still have a choice as to how we accept/deal with those factors).

I don't have a clue if this helps or makes sense to anyone but me, but I hope it does.

-Scott

[dl]

posted by feelinglost
I believe after reading alot of posts, that all adoptees have had similiar feelings....

I absolutely agree with "searching_03256" that not ALL ADOPTEES have these feelings. Also, there are many that were raised with their biological families that have these feelings of not fitting in. My cousin's wife is one of eight children and she is completely different in every way from the other seven and never felt like she fit in. A man I know is one of six and he said he often wondered if he was adopted ~ he is definetely not ~ as he always felt different. He's been in therapy as his feelings of disconnection are so strong. If one is to blame adoptees having these feelings completely on adoption how do we explain those that were raised with their biological families having the SAME feelings and issues?

I pesonally don't feel inner peace can come from the outside. It needs to come from within ourselves. There are many self improvement books on the market. The emphasis is on SELF. A common belief is that before you can be good for anyone else, you need to be good for yourself. We all have the ability to choose how we act and react to our own individual life situations. To do any less, to sit back and blame all negative feelings on the fact that we were adopted or to expect someone else to fix us and make us all better is attempting to revert to child like behavior, IMO.

[feelinglost]

Hi all,

Never intended for this to be this way....really was just trying to say that we all have some issues, adopted or not. I do agree that you control where you go from here...didn't mean to included everyone...let just say I feel this way, and after reading many post I find many of us have common issues also...that's all...didn't mean for a battle to brew, was just trying to let some realize, as I have that "your not alone". It is true, some of the common things that have been spoken about in this forum and others are common problems among adoptees.....Also don't forget some of us have had years to adjust, some of us a few months, some of us few days..... Don't forget I just found out I was adopted, I did feel I was raised by my bioparents....still had some issues...now thinking these are related to being adopted....sure I felt this way before I knew....Maybe for me it was because I must have remembered something at almost 4 years old???? time has earsed this memories, but they were there to begin with...just trying to find out and understand why I have these feelings ....it's still nice to know I'm not alone with these feelings....I'm not saying adoption is bad....I feel very good about adoption... I certainly didn't mean to encompass everyone...forgive the laguage...will be alot more careful in the future.

[Searching_03256]

Originally posted by feelinglost
Never intended for this to be this way....

I certainly didn't mean to encompass everyone...forgive the laguage...will be alot more careful in the future.

It's easy to read "tone" into someones messages isn't it! No problems, no battles, and no animosity here (or with DLouis I believe)... Just pointing out that not everyone has the same issues just because they are adopted and I surely wouldn't want someone who is okay with things to all of a sudden start thinking they shouldn't be because, after reading these forums, all adoptees are supposed to ______________.

Big Smiley Because Everybody's Happy

-Scott

[U Deriaz]

We all have the ability to choose how we act and react to our own individual life situations. To do any less, to sit back and blame all negative feelings on the fact that we were adopted or to expect someone else to fix us and make us all better is attempting to revert to child like behavior, IMO.

I completely agree that we all chose the way we react to situations and that is what shapes our lives and characters.

However when I first posted my thread it wasn't to ask people to 'fix' me as you say, it was to try and get some advice and guidance on how other people deal with being adopted and the emotions that brings. I don't think asking for help is reverting to child like behaviour, and I think that is a really distructive viewpoint. Adults and children alike need the help and support of others at all times in their life, particularly when by circumstances they begin to deal with things in adult life, which have lain untouched since childhood. I have never blamed all the bad things in life on adoption, quite the opposite - had I not been adopted I would certainly not have had the chances I have had, or be living the life I now am. I am truly thankful for my adoption. But I reserve the right to ask for help once in a while, it's not always within yourself to answer all the questions life brings.

[dl]

My previous post was a general comment or statement. It was not in any way meant personally only to you. As posts are made, a thread becomes a gereral discussion vs. everyone only responding specifically to the original post. As I titled this post to you, this post is in direct response to you.

I agree, there is nothing wrong with asking for "help". What I was referring to is the assumption that some make that finding their biological parents will automatically "fix everything" and "give them inner peace". It reality, it could actually cause more turmoil depending how one is received and what the individual situation is. Learning the truth about our beginnings can be a very good experience. I just don't believe it is healthy to approach it a manner that Daddy and/or Mommy will fix me and make me all better. That is what I meant by "childlike". As I said,

I pesonally don't feel inner peace can come from the outside. It needs to come from within ourselves.

JMO ~

[KaseyHamnerM.S.]

I can feel your pain. Feeling peace is an inside job but it can take time. I suggest you join support groups for adoptees and read books on adoption. You are a beatiful soul, as we all are. What you are feeling is sooooo normal for adoptees. I felt that way until I realized my depression was related to been adopted and living in secrets and lies. I don't feel that way to much anymore. I have had to develop my own talents, even though they do not match m adoptive family. They love me for who I am, differences and all. Good luck.

kasey
kaseyhamner.com