[Meegan]

Hello all. I've been "reunited" with my bmom since June and while we've talked a couple of times in the past few months and seen each other once, it's always her initiating it. I don't mind because I want to get to know her and have a friendship type relationship (not a bad thing my amom is my Mom not my friend so...) but I don't feel comfortable calling her or making any contact on my own. Is that weird? Also, I'm sure it makes her feel like I don't want to be contacted, etc. but that isn't the case...it's also hard b/c I don't have long distance on my phone and she lives a long distance phone call away. Any advice is appreciated. Thanks so much y'all.

[Katiebaby]

Hey Meegan! If I were you...I'd probably just tell bmom about the long-distance phone thing. Maybe tell her that she should feel free to contact you whenever she feels like it. It seems like some bmoms are afraid of contacting too often due to being concerned about coming off as pushy/needy/etc. I just feel like honesty is a good thing in most circumstances.

Hope that helps a lil. If not, hang on b/c I'm sure you'll get some great advice soon.

[RiverGal]

Meegan, I don't think you are "weird" at all...nor, a "bad birth daughter."

Katie's right about talking things over with your bmom. As long as she knows that her calls are welcomed and not a bother, she will feel free to contact you and keep the relationship progressing. Afterall, this is all new and has to be eased into.

Maybe you could grab a cute card while you're out shopping...one of the "Thinking of you" kind...it could even be humorous. Postage is cheaper than a phone call, and her efforts would be validated at the same time.

Just a though...

Deb

[Katiebaby]

I love the card thingie! Hallmark needs a whole entire section dedicated to adoption. Wouldn't that be nice!

Btw, I forgot to say that you aren't a bad birthdaughter. No worries & hope you have a great night!

[Lovemends2]

No, I don't think you are a bad birthdaughter.
Take it easy....your birth mom waited 20 years for this and you did not. That is why you feel this way.

[Jessiedo]

Meegan,
I caught this post quite late. That is terrific that you and your birthmother have been reunited and I hope that the reunion has grown into a beautiful, close friendship over time.

I would love to hear more concerning your hesitancy in intiating contact w/ your birthmother. I am in a similiar situation w/ my 20 yr old birthdaughter. Phone conversations are terrific, yet I am the one who phones. I don't mind at all...it's just that I would feel much more relaxed about the situation if she would contact me first sometimes. I have asked and my birthdaughter has told me to call anytime and that she isn't the type who phones. I'm sure she doesn't doubt my love for her, so I wouldn't think it would be due to an abandonment issue. Is it just simply because we are strangers, yet mother/daughter ?

And again, I sincerely hope your reunion has been wonderful for the two of you. It's just....hard to find words to even describe it!!

And NO, I don't think you sound like a bad birthdaughter, are there such things ??

~Diane

[MKW]

Meegan - now here's a weird one for you - I would give just about anything for my b-mom to call me and initiate phone calls, etc. But she lets me make every move.
However, as far as your side goes. I think it's kinda normal. This is all very new to you - and you're just not sure how to deal with it yet. That's okay. As long as you don't mind your b-mom calling or whatever - hang in there with that. You'll start to figure out what feels right to you, how much you want to initiate, how much you want to let her initiate. It's only been a couple months - this reunion stuff takes work, and lots and lots of baby steps.
Obviously you have internet access - does your b-mom? Would you feel comfortable dropping her an e-mail every once in a while? That way you can do it on your time, use the words you want, and allow her to answer at will. Just a thought.
It'll all work out - you'll see.

MKW

[l-thompson]

Meegan - no way are you a "bad birthdaughter"...I don't think anyone here on the forums would even think that for a minute.

The long distance phone calls can be difficult and with you not having long distance on your phone I imagine your birthmom understands why you don't call her ( I am assuming that she knows this...?)

You have only been reunited since June so it really is early days.....believe it or not, over time things do settle and you will both find a place that feels right for both of you. This may be a phone call from her every week or so, every month or whatever falls into place over time. The early days are an exercise in figuring it all out - how much contact is desirable for both parties, where you feel you are going to fit into each others lives and the kind of relationship that you will share....and it does happen!! It takes a while though and it certainly doesn't happen overnight.
You are not comfortable initiating contact at the moment and thats really ok....its not weird at all - you are finding your way in all of this.

Please take all the time you need to find your "comfort zone" You do what feels right and comfortable for you.
There are no rules in reunion, there is no right or wrong way of working through this new relationship in your life -you and your birthmom will have your own unique relationship and together you will eventually work it all out.

While all of this is happening, please be kind to yourself ....thoughts of not being a good birthdaughter may lead to you responding to your birthmother in a way that you think she would like you to, rather than the way you genuinely feel.

Take Care
Linz

[l-thompson]

Just realised that the original post is nearly a year old!!! Mary Kay, did you realise that ....should have paid more attention to the date the post was done...

Meegan...if you are still will us it would be great to hear how your reunion has progressed in the last 12 months.

[Jessiedo]

Sorry gals. I resurrected an old post in order to learn more regarding young adoptee's feelings about reunion. I'm speaking about reunions which ARE already in progress. From what I have gathered from the forums, it appears that the younger adoptees are hesitant to initiate contact and it's the birthmother who so desperately wants contact (as often as possible ). On the flip-side, the older adoptees are very interested in contact whereas the birthmothers are more hesitant-which is understandable given the differences which surrounded the initial adoption in the 60's vs. the 80's. I do realize every situation is different.

[RiverGal]

I can find no real patterns, myself. Adoptess, birthparents...some are down for contact and others flee like the wind.

Some start strong and remain so. Others begin weak and strengthen over time. Some never take off, some fall flat....every scenario is there.

It's been the most unpredictible ride of my life.

~Deb

[MKW]

No Linz - I never did check the date of the original post. Just saw the most recent post date - so went ahead.
Diane - so how is the reunion really going? Is your daughter still hesistant?

MKW

[l-thompson]

Some start strong and remain so. Others begin weak and strengthen over time. Some never take off, some fall flat....every scenario is there.

Deb, you are absolutely right. For those of us that have been on the forums for a long time, it has become apparent that every imaginable scenario has unfolded.
I reflect back to several members here and wonder whatever happened as time moved on.....one of the posters on this thread was Katiebaby. I recall her sheer delight when contact was made and then the excitement as plans were made to meet.....I don't think Katie ever posted again and I often wonder how hings worked out for her and she is just one of many.
There is so much excitement and elation when contact is finally made...the anticipation of it all, and dare I say it..the expectations of what reunion may bring??.. I wonder sometimes if people are just so disappointed in the actual reality of what they found....I just don't know.

As Deb has said though...every imaginable scenario is there.....one can't predict...you just don't know how reunion will unfold until you are in the thick of it as such.

It's been the most unpredictible ride of my life.

Deb.....any news to report??? I think of you and wonder how things are progressing.....

[Jessiedo]

MKW,
Yes, my birthdaughter is still hesitant-does not initiate calls. I realize she is young and very busy w/ life but it would make me feel SO much more secure if she would just phone me sometimes...perhaps I'm trying to rush it too much...expecting too much, too soon.

Her mom was overly 'warm & fuzzy' and threw me for a loop at first...now she is cold...so that places more insecurity on my side and therefore my journal is "private" now.

My birthdaughter and her mom discovered my reunion info on this web-site after recv'n my name from the agency where she was placed/where they began the search for me. I don't know if they are aware of my journal and few posts...and I'm actually afraid to jump right in on the forums and 'bare my deepest thoughts/emotions'. I am fully aware that it could create problems.

...I need to remember this phrase:

Don't spoil what you have by desiring what you have not-but remember that what you now have was once among the things only hoped for.

[Jessiedo]

Meegan - now here's a weird one for you - I would give just about anything for my b-mom to call me and initiate phone calls, etc. But she lets me make every move.

MKW,
Do you ever feel like just putting the ball in your birthmother's court, so to speak? Do you feel that perhaps continually initiating contact may be damaging the reunion...perhaps your birthmother needs some space and this is why she is not initiating contact herself?