[mandy88143]

I was adopted when I was 9 months old, I am now 22 years old and I have recently ended a 7 year relationship with my boyfriend. I have a feeling it has to do with my adoption. I think I am scared of a really serious relationship (marriage) possibly??? I just don't know what to think of this all. Maybe I am just saying this to justify my actions on ending the relationship!

If anyone has any ideas please write back!!! Thank-you

[darkknight]

Last February, I almost ended a 7 year marriage for reasons I couldn't quite fathom. With the birth of my son (the only blood relative I have known) I started to withdraw and began just coexisting not really living. I even movedout for a while. After seeing a marraige couselor (who also happens to have trained n trauma therapy) I began to see how adoption has affected me and began to feel again. Luckily, my wife hadn't given up on me.

Read Joe Soll's book, Adoption Healing. He talks about the trends that many adoptess follow. How we sometimes seek out those relationships that will prove we are unworthy and deserve to be rejected as we were by our birth mothers (or so it feels.) When we find those relationships that might not reject us, we tend to be unable to accept them and often are the ones to do the rejecting.

However, not every adoptee does this. You may have ended this relationship for valid reasons but are now having second thoughts, thats normal too. You have to decide, but read others ideas, read books, join a support group and get all the tools you can to help you through it.

[dl]

Many people have different opinions on this question. Why did the relationship break up after 7 years? Could it be that the two of you matured and grew apart? I'm sure there is a big difference between you, the 15 year old girl when you got involved with this boyfriend, and you, the 22 year old young woman that you are now. Obviously he too would have changed from a young boy to a young man. Not all "first loves" work out forever.

Personally, when a relationship hasn't worked out for me, I take responsibility for choosing the wrong person for me to be in a relationship with instead of believing that the reason the relationship failed is due to being adopted. Or, that while we had a good relationship it had run it's course and we now have different goals. We all (I'm sure) know many non adopted people that have problems with relationships also.

When my step-son was 16 and was behaving inappropriately I heard "the first time I did that was when I found out my parents were getting a divorce" (four years earlier when he was 12). I told him that he could go through his entire life blaming every negative thing on the fact that his parents got a divorce ~ someday down the road, if he got a divorce, he could say, nothing to do with him, his wife or their behavior. He could totally blame everything on his parents getting a divorce. OR ~ he could look in the mirror and accept the fact that HE made a decision, chose a behavior, etc.

I personally apply the same to myself. I am an adult, capable and responsible for making my own decisions. I am also accountable for those decisions. I don't absolve myself of personal responsibility due to being adopted. As I said, others do feel differently ~ this is how I feel.

Hope you find a special someone and have a wonderful relationship!

[StarryNight™]

Dark, did the book you recommended talk to people who knew of their adoptions all along? I have been looking for a book to help me with this as I did not find out until a year ago last July I was adopted and I just turned 37. It's more then mindboggling and would love to know even if we do not know we are adopted what traits we may exhibit. Thanks

[darkknight]

DLouis,

I reread my post after I read yours and realized, it did sound like I was trying to say adoption caused my problems, and that wasn't my intent.

Adoption is something that does affect us early on. It is part of the environment we grow up in and that environment shapes us, be it the family values, friends, school, church, home whatever. At the earliest point, adoptees know rejection even if they can't express it and I think it does affect our lives. HOWEVER, it is the controlling factor.

I realized something was wrong with our relationship and I even realized it was me shutting down, but I didn't do anything about it. I had become so numb to everything. After talking about adoption and joining a CUB support group, I began feeling again, and realized what an idiot I had been in my choices.

Starrynight,
Joes book covers a little bit of every portion, including chapters for birth parents, adoptive parents, therapists, and your inner child.

[dl]

I read your post AFTER I posted mine. I must have been typing when you posted.

I was only responding to the original post with my own personal feelings. Nothing in my post was in response to you as I hadn't read your post.

[darkknight]

DLoius,
well it still applied, I did seem to imply that adoption was the cause and it was just a part that I wasn't dealing with.

[dl]

That's an interesting perspective. I don't believe I've seen anything about the behavior traits of adoptees that never knew they were adopted. Please share if you find anything out about the this ~ I'd be interested.

As I've always known I was adopted, its never been anything unusual for me and I personally don't feel its affected my behavior one way or another. I couldn't imagine finding out at 37. There was another poster that found out at 49. That would be a very difficult process to get through IMO ~ feeling deceived by the very people one trusts more than others.

Best of Luck to you!

[StarryNight™]

Yes it is really a mental process that can be sooo overwhelming. Everything you ever thought about your "supposed" family is not true. In my early posts it told of how my life was a lie. I have eased up a bit regarding it, but still bitter over time lost with my siblings. Dh and I take care of my amom, and there are days when I look at her wanting to scream "How could you tell me lie upon lie even going so far as telling me you miscarried before you were able to conceive me at 43!" sigh, but she is 80 and I keep my mouth shut as best as I can. She has lied about so much, I do not trust her even the slightest amount since I found out. I was always really different then her and when she told me that I was adopted it was in some cases a relief that I would not grow up genetically like her. Sure she had beauty and a petite figure to die for, but her personality is as cold as you get. No one can do anything for her w/o her being suspicious and if she does something for anyone else there is ALWAYS a price to be paid. A person who looks down on EVERYONE she can spot even the remotest of flaws in. Bad thing is she is oblivious to what has been said about her even in her friend circle. I keep hoping one day she will stop being like Mr. Scrooge and start living like a human with a heart.

[npwhite]

starrynight

I found out I was adopted around age six. I have one sister whom is adopted and one sister biological to my aparents, my amom always introduced us as this is my daughter and these two are adopted. Not until i was an adult did I realize this (I would in turn always say to people I'd meet, "well, I'm adopted) pretty sad huh? My amother is such a cold person just as the pic you painted of yours it saddens me that I ...we had to endure such coldness in our lives. My afather divorced my amother some 21 yrs ago because she was violent, I don't have much contact with her now, she lost her eyesight 4 years ago I took care of her for over a year until my husband said it's either her or me and
after that realization I of course chose my husband and tried to explain to my amom that it was too much for me with two children a husband, collapsed knee, kidney disease and Lupus
she had the nerve to say what have you done for me you should take care of me you owe me I'm your mother needless to say I was so upset with her I packed up my family and moved three states away. Now I have had my third child just two months ago and feel I should let her back into my life more like go visit but I dread it. My older children age 7 and 10 are scared of her. Any suggestions?

npwhite

[StarryNight™]

It's guilt hon that drives us to think we need to bring people like that back into our lives. I sat here last night crying as I bought my amom just two gifts for xmas. (Under 50.00 total) I told dh that after all the hell she has put me through this year since she finally confessed to my adoption has been like I OWE her. What I owe her is a trip to the local institution for some serious counseling and medication!!

The guilt was that yes I have two presents but felt I should have more because of what she has done for me. Then I thought "What is that? Given me a roof over my head and held it over my head the whole time, treating dh and I like some slaves that only get her attention when she wants something done around the house?" BULL! (She's lucky we bought her anything at all.)

The guilt was also over that I really know nothing about her. I know a few things, but have not taken the time to get to know her in the past couple of years. However, the more I thought about that... the more I realized she has never opened up to me at all.

I had heard on a Dr. Phil show the other day something I never thought I would say about him. He had a really good idea. There was a couple whom had adopted an older girl who was exhibiting anger/aggression. She had been taken out of her home by CPS and placed into foster then adopted all within a years time. So, Dr. Phil recommended that the woman try bonding with her by telling the child personal things. Then make it a point to tell the child that she is the only one who knew this. (Not lie to her by saying that but like telling a little secret to her.) It would be their little secret and she would feel more important. I thought geez, sheer genious this guy. If my amom had done that, I would feel so much better about her. But we have never been able to talk. Period. So the guilt runs through my life like a river. So does the anger.

You and I both need to get over our guilt... Move on with our lives. I personally am going to have to adopt to have children... With this being said, there is no way on this earth would I want my amom the slightest bit of influence on my kids! Dh and I will be moving back to FL this coming year and I will be once again guilt ridden for trying to get on with my life. I have been many states away since I was 23, but for some reason always seems to come back to this place where she lives. (Not calling it a home.) As I am right now. I will be elated beyond belief when I cross that stateline and saddened it has had to come to exactly what you did.

I am amazed someone asked for my advice like this. Thank you. IMHO, I think you need to steer clear of people whom are a negative influence on you, it will only transfer onto your children and you might hate yourself later on for letting it happen. This looks great on paper! lol But if you can get past the guilt part, let me know and I will do the same. Hugs to you dear. Let me know what you decide. I will be glad to be used as a sounding board anytime.

[StarryNight™]

Dark, btw I love your website. I read and read and read last night hehehe, gotta get you to add more! =) You have a wonderful creative streak and it really shows in this site. Particually love the snow effects. Good job!

[npwhite]

Starry ~

Thanks for understanding and the honesty I know the guilt has always gotten the best of me and only I can change that. I will be going home for Christmas to my in-laws only 10 mins. from my amom but won't visit as usual, just the thought of seeing her and having her hug me makes me cringe. You are a wonderful woman with great insight. I saw the same Dr. Phil show..lol

You Know when I finally moved away from my amom, I moved closer to my afather whom I just adore. I was sitting on his bed talking about all the crap with my amom and he told me he was so sorry he adopted me...because he thought he let me down as a parent, that I could have had a better life with another family instead of all the pain and heartache from my amom. I felt so bad for him. that he would bare the burdden of his ex-wife's faults'. My response to him was one parent outta two ain't bad...lol

Good luck with the move. I'm sure it will feel like ten tons being lifted off your shoulders as soon as you pass that state line.

npwhite

[mandy88143]

THANK-YOU SO MUCH FOR TAKING TIME TO WRITE BACK! I AM GOING TO GET THAT BOOK TOMORROW! I JUST NEED TO FIGURE OUT WHAT IS GOING ON IN MY HEAD! I WOULD LIKE TO GET INTO A GROUP OR SEE A COUNSELOR! I THINK IF SOMEONE FROM THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN COULD HELP THAT WOULD BE WONDERFUL!!

THANKS AGAIN FOR YOUR HELP!!!

MANDY

[KristieMaureen]

Mandy and Dark,

There are some personal characteristics I possess that I think are at least partly connected to my being adopted. They seem to be those that the two of you have been discussing.

I can't remember a time I didn't know I was adopted. And I also can't remember one time during my childhood when I volunteered to hug my adoptive parents before going to bed at night (they're also fairly certain I never did). Both of my sisters, who are my aparents biochildren, were very affectionate, huggy/kissy children. I grew up in the same household, but was never comfortable with it. That trend continued into high school when most of my girlfriends would hug everyone every school morning as if they hadn't seen one another in years... while I established the "Kristie 4 foot boundary" - if you were closer than 4 ft, you were violating my personal space.

My afather was in the military so we moved quite often (another contributing factor, I believe). My preference was always to get orders to move before any of my friends did. I liked leaving first, so I wouldn't be the one left behind. And when friends did leave, I would purposefully not maintain contact - I just wanted to cut off all ties and "move on" (This portion I've worked really hard on as an adult -re-establishing contact with some childhood friends).

And in adult relationships, I've always jumped first and not thought later. This is completely at odds with how I deal with other life situations... I normally research, ruminate, seek advice all over the place. But in the area of my personal life, I make snap decisions, don't think or talk much about feelings, and rarely ask anyone else (including my partner) what they think.

I can't say that my personality has been comletely dominated by my adoption, or that it's unique to adoptees. There are far too many non-adoptees with similar characteristics. But I have to think that it's played a fairly significant part.

Then of course, I've heard that most people spend their entire adult lives dealing with issues spawned during childhood.

Kristie
Adult Adoptee