[nchiva96]

Hello! New here and trying to figure which is the correct forum for me. I wonder if anyone here is an adult adoptee who did not want to be found by their bparent(s). Thanks so much and if this is the right place I'll post more later!

[BrandyHagz]

I wish now that I had never been found by my birthfamily...but if I hadnt, I prolly would have searched for them myself...so I dunno.

I doubt your talking about my kind of issue...meaning bad reunion and such.


Why dont you wish to be located? Have you been located?

[Jupiter1701]

I would not want to be found, It would turn my world upsidedown and what I have read here, I don't want to do a search, I admit that I do get curious from time to time, but I have learned to live with it.
Being different from most people has become apart of who I am. (Does that make any sense?)

[nchiva96]

Being found did turn my world upside down! I had a wonderful life growing up in my family. There was no "need" in me to search for my biological family and I hoped and prayed they wouldn't find me. I actually feared the day when she would "knock on my door" - I always knew it was going to happen and knew there would be nothing I could do to change that.

Turns out my bmother did search and she found me. So much for closed adoptions My life hasn't been the same since and I can truly say I will go to my grave wishing she had never found me.

[BrandyHagz]

I don’t agree with closed adoption…although I do believe some adoptees as well as some birthparents have no business searching.

You’re adoption as well as mine, is still closed…open adoption is where you know your birthfamily your entire life, and have a relationship with them.

I didn’t have the wonderful life you seemed to have had…I also don’t feel like my birthfamily ruined my life by locating me…but I do think I woulda been better off not knowing some of the things my birthmother felt inclined to share with me…

[umcgeek]

I truly don't understand. I haven't yet look, and haven't been 'found', however I can't imagine how it would turn my life upside down.



What could possibly happen? Please set me straight.

[Rowan]

Hi

If you do not want to be found - then that is your decision, but be careful not to preach doom, gloom and disaster and try not to frighten or influence others into thinking that is what definately happens. There are at least 2 sides to everything.

Yes - everyone should be cautious and not jump into a reunion situation head first. Investigate what you are going to find, use a mediator, get counselling and 'know' what you are doing. Be sensible and try to be realistic.

I am sure it is not easy to have a reunion for adoptees and birthparents alike - it is a very emotional subject and for some folk it can be an emotional rollercoaster for others it can be a healing and happy experience. Not every one has the same type of experence as another person.

*There are many reunited bparents and their adult children who have become close friends and have some level of knowing each other in an ongoing relationship and are happy.

*There are many adult adoptees who have gained peace of mind and inner peace learning vital knowledge about their bio origins and seeing for themselves where they came from.

*There are many adoptees who were happy just getting the necessary information, meeting bparents 1 time and being happy to leave it at that.

*there are also bparents who do not want contact

*adoptees who do not want contact

*adoptees and birthparents who meet and decide they do not want more contact

*adoptees who find nightmare birthparents and vice versa.

etc... there are probably many more scenarios..

Most birthmothers (not all of them) hope 'at the least' to know that the children they adopted to another family many years before are OK, well and happy. Is this too much to ask?

Many birthmothers did not want to 'have' to give their babies to other folk but had very little choice in the matter as the decision was made for them.

Others did not want to but had to because they wanted their children to have a better life than they could provide at that time. Adopting their children away to others to raise affects all bmothers for the remainder of their lives in some way or another. Many grieve forever. Many of them did not know the gravity or the true finality of the situation. They were not counselled or educated about what adoption really meant and they were young and frightened.

Many worry just like normal parents about you every single day - (the same way that your parents do when you go out and do not get home until late at night and they sit awake waiting to hear your arrive home) the only difference for bparents is that you never come home and they never truly know if you are alive and well - ever.

You do not owe your parents anything - adoptive or bio, but remember it only takes 5 minutes out of your whole life to say "Hi , you gave birth to me, Just to let you know I am well, OK alive and happy". etc... if that is all you can find in your hearts to manage (if you have your own children one day you will know how difficult it would be at the thought of having to give that child away forever and never know what became of him/her)

For the record - Closed Adoption is 'old hat' now and Open Adoption is something that should have always been the standard method - closed adoption is damaging, unnatural, cruel, it created ignorance, prejudice, sickness and injustice and I am glad to say - it is expiring (except in extreme necessary cases).

Rowan

[pjinokeechobee]

Thank you very much I could not have said it any better! I need that piece of mind the last 21 years has been very very hard if all she wants to do is call say hi I am ok I have had a descent life I can have that inner peace. I would love more than that but I will be happy to get some peace of mind and heart.

[Sharon]

Thank you, Rowan, for your thought-provoking post.
You expressed everything that I feel, and hit on several points I hadn't considered.
~ sharon

[BrandyHagz]

Originally posted by Rowan
Hi

If you do not want to be found - then that is your decision, but be careful not to preach doom, gloom and disaster and try not to frighten or influence others into thinking that is what definately happens. There are at least 2 sides to everything.

I agree, there are 2 sides to everything...and I dont think its fair that I have to "be careful not to preach doom, gloom and disaster" when I talk about the failure of *my* reunion. Why should I have to sugar coat it?

It's not who's right, or who's wrong...I was sharing my feelings...and I wont be careful for anyone...my story is proof that it happens, and EVERY searching birthparent and adoptee should be ready to face what I did...because IT DOES HAPPEN.

I'd never try to talk anyone out of searching...but I'd sure talk them into making sure they are emotionally ready for ANY outcome...because most arent...

[allabouthorses]

This is a little bit off topic, but there has been some mention of open adoptions vs. closed adoption in this thread, and I wanted to comment.

I was adopted in a closed adoption in 1982. When I was younger, I knew the difference between open and closed adoptions, and I have thought about it alot, especially because of what I have read on adoption forums.

I am SO, SO glad that I was not in an open adoption. I have always been (and still am) the type of person who is very sensitive to other people's feelings. Growing up knowing my birth parents would have placed a lot of stress on me. I would have been constantly trying to show all four of my parents that I loved them, and trying to make them all feel special. I have absolutely no regrets about my closed adoption.

Now, I think that a semi-open adoption would have been fine. In fact, my aparents tried to get non-identifying information about me to my bparents through the Children's Aid Society. My bfather did the same thing. Unfortunately, because of the ignorance (or miscommunication) of social workers, this information was never transferred. I think that getting updates would have been very helpful to my bparents. It would have taken a HUGE load off of their minds. I, however, wouldn't have wanted information about my bparents. As a child, my feelings about the information would have been overwhelming.

I think that semi-open adoption is great, but I think that every case in individual, and the type of adoption that works depends on the bparents, aparents, and the adoptee. I think that saying that closed adoption is bad, and open adoption is good suggests that all experiences are the same, which just isn't true.

[nchiva96]

Rowan – not sure if this was directed at me or to Brandy so I will answer as if it were to me.

Originally posted by Rowan
If you do not want to be found - then that is your decision, but be careful not to preach doom, gloom and disaster and try not to frighten or influence others into thinking that is what definately happens.

I didn’t want to be found. I was found and still wish that it never happened. To call that “preaching doom, gloom and disaster” is a bit melodramatic, IMO, and to say that that will frighten others is honestly not givng the “others” the credit they are due. I know I am in a minority of online posters when it comes to being an adoptee who does not / did not wish contact with their bfamilies. As you ably pointed out, “Not every one has the same type of exper(i)ence as another person.”

Most birthmothers (not all of them) hope 'at the least' to know that the children they adopted to another family many years before are OK, well and happy. Is this too much to ask?

It’s totally understandable, yes. But does that mean that the bparent has a “right” to intrude upon the adoptee’s life? No.

Many birthmothers did not want to 'have' to give their babies to other folk but had very little choice in the matter as the decision was made for them.

I realize that that may be the case for some - but certainly not all - bmothers. I know for a fact that no one stood over my bmother and forced her to sign those papers. She signed the papers of her own free will, which is not to say that it was an easy choice. I am quite sure that she agonized over her decision. I know that I hold an unfavorable position here, but IMO both adoptees and bmothers (not all, mind you) use that as an excuse to make themselves feel better about what happened (“‘They’ forced me to give my child up…” “My bmother was forced to relinquish me…”).

I certainly agree with what you wrote about many bmothers not knowing the full significance of what it was they were doing – the ramifications of signing over their child. But ignorance (meaning lack of knowledge…not using that as a slam on bmothers) is no excuse. There is no way on the face of this Earth that someone who has given birth to a child they carried for 9 months doesn’t at least know that to sign away parental rights is / was a Very Big Deal, even if they didn’t get all of the “ins” and “outs” of the adoption process.

…but remember it only takes 5 minutes out of your whole life to say "Hi , you gave birth to me, Just to let you know I am well, OK alive and happy". etc... if that is all you can find in your hearts to manage (if you have your own children one day you will know how difficult it would be at the thought of having to give that child away forever and never know what became of him/her)

Which is exactly why I gave my bmother far more than “5 minutes out of my life” even though it hurt me, my relationship with my family, and affected me profoundly in ways that I am not sure I can even express.

When my bmother first contacted me - totally out of the blue - I was in shock and asked for time to process all of it. I was assured by my bmother that she would let me have all the time I needed. Within 7 days my parents, my husband, and I had all been contacted by her a total of 5 more times. Talk about stressful. Everywhere I turned, there she was...after she promised to let me be.

I agonized over what to do. I truly wanted no further contact with her but I knew in my heart that to give this woman some peace was the "right" thing to do. I actually sat down and tried to figure who would be most hurt by various actions I could take and realized that it would be she who would suffer the most if I refused contact. I didn't want that. I may think she has no right to interfere in my life - and that the way she has gone about things is totally selfish and self-motivated, but I am not heartless. So we wrote letters, we e-mailed, and we also met IRL. I gave an gave of myself...and the more I gave the more she wanted the daughter she never knew. She even started refering to my child as her grandchild...and even went behind my back to tell my child she was her Grandmother when I had specifically asked her not to refer to herself in that way. To me that was just one more example of how my bmother's selfishness is what drives her.

I am truly sorry that she is in pain. I am sorry that she now regrets her decision. But I am not her keeper and I am not responsible for her happiness. I am not hers any longer. I have parents. I have a family and do not need nor want another.

For the record - Closed Adoption is 'old hat' now and Open Adoption is something that should have always been the standard method - closed adoption is damaging, unnatural, cruel, it created ignorance, prejudice, sickness and injustice and I am glad to say - it is expiring (except in extreme necessary cases).

I'm sure it's not surprising that we disagree on this point. Like allabouthorses I am glad that I was in a closed adoption. There was / is nothing "damaging, unnatural, (or) cruel" about the way I was adopted and raised. I admit I do not know a lot about open adoptions but my first thought is that it sure seems like a great way for a bmother to stay in the child's life while assuming none of the responsibility for said child. To me it would have been very confusing.

[Sharon]

I find it strange that it's okay for adoptees not to want contact, not to want open adoption, not to want open records... but God forbid a birthparent or an adoptive parent speak out against any of these things... they'd get bashed by everyone on the forum, myself included.

[BrandyHagz]

I DO NOT agree with closed adoption...I hope, that my original post was not read that way...nor any of the posts that follows.

I only posted because, hindsight is 20/20 as most would say...

Had I known then, what I know now, I would have NEVER EVER EVER allowed my bio-half-brother to meet me at age 10...

[debsdone]

I totally understand what you are saying....but......I have a thought. Perhaps there is a bit more leeway towards adoptees in this situation due to the fact that they were the only players without choice in the adoption. It's late, I am tired and FULL and going to bed, so I hope this doesn't sound curt or self serving. Love, Debi