[acarthon]

It took me years to get the courage to request my non-id info and more years to get the courage to do a search. I did it and found out today that the social worker's certified letter attempting to make contact was signed for by my birth mom's husband. None of the phone calls were returned, and the social worker received a typed letter with no signature and no return address requesting that no attempt at contact ever be made again. In that one instant it felt like my world was falling apart. I don't know who sent the letter, but it ended the social worker's attempts to make contact. Somewhere out there I have a brother who she gave away as well that I don't know how to find because I don't even know my b-mom's name. Do I have a right to know? Am I bound to respect her (or her husband's) wishes? What rights do I have? Do I matter at all? I just found this all out today. What do I do next? I know I'm going to live one day at a time, but what do I do for support? My adoptive parents are my best friends, but the mere mention of a possible search upsets them. So, I'm on my own. What do I do?

acarthon,

I am so sorry this has happend to you. Unfortuantly, in some situations the adoptees needs are not recognized. I understand that your aparents may feel uncomfortable with you doing a search and I do understand bmom may not be ready for contact right now(that may change). But it doesn't make YOU, who is most effected by their actions feel any better. If it helps any, I will say that what happened to you is not uncommon read through these boards and you will see many different situations.

I as an adoptee understand your need to search and you have done nothing wrong! You definitetly have a right to your info but whther you get it or not is another story. You may now have to search for a name...how, I don't know but we do have search angels that may be able to help you.

Give yourself some time to process and come to grips with what happened today.

I will be thinking of you.

Donna

[acarthon]

Thank you. It helps to know that someone understands and that I am not alone.

[myknstef]

I too am an adoptee and I am so sorry to hear about the response you received. Unfortunatly, we do not have the right to certain information and I hope that changes soon. Did the social worker send out the certified letter? It crossed my mind that if the husband signed for the letter, how do you know if your bmom saw it or if he read it and was threatened by it? I don't want to start trouble, I just thought it might be a possibiity. Good luck with everything and keep your head up, you don't know what the future holds.

[Mary RamireZ]

I am a birthmother that was in a smi open adoption that got letter for 18 years not every year but they did come. I searched and found my birthson adoptive mother and learned she burned a letter that I had place in his file by me telling him why I gave him up. The adoptive working gave it to telling her the laws were changing and he might read the letter. The Agency did not tell the any thing about me. The adoptive mother learn about me through the letters. My son does not want to met me I am searching for my daughter she is 25 and my birthson 23. What I am saying is us birthmother want contack only the past is very painful in the closed adoption time, they were told to go on with their life and never tell anybody the gave a child up for adoption.

I hope this helps
Mary Mumby Ramirez

[snuffie]

I am so sorry you have to go through this. I was rejected by my bmom through an intermediary 14 years ago. Believe me, it HURT. I was also angry. Even in this day and age of more liberal feelings, adoptees do not seem to have rights!

I waited many more years and tried my search again. Sadly, my bmom had passed away. But i have reunited with my brothers and sisters and it is wonderful. And I have found that my bmom did think of me and possibly was going to try to find me. There were many things going on in her life at the time she rejected my contact.

So please do not take this seeming rejection personally. There is still hope.

I could not talk to my adopted parents either about my search. This forum is great for hearing that you are definitely not alone!

Hugs and best wishes,
Snuffie

[vicrose]

I know this really hurts a lot, because the same rejection happened to me...but please do not take it personally...because it's not you that she's rejecting. ...it's her own fear that's getting the best of her. But, it does hurt...and it's o.k. to cry, it's o.k. to mourn the mother you never knew....but give yourself time, and then if you want to...start searching again...it's never over til it's over....you never know, you might have other siblings out there that would welcome you with open arms. Like your birthmom, my birthmom has carried around a lot of emotional baggage for years, and they can't let go of it!!! If you ever need to chat...I'm here for you!! Just pm mail me!! Hugs, Brenda