[HappyMomAnna]

Dear Adoptees,
I am an Adoptive mother and I have a question I have not found much discussion about. I have known many Adoptees and of those most have done very well in their lives. Most have been sucessful and several have looked for their Birth Families, with mixed results. But the one common thread I have heard with all of them is that they cannot understand why their birthmother "gave" them up..... Even with all the logic in the world it still seems difficult to accept....especiall for my female cousins who have now had children.

This feeling of being "given" away seems to hurt for a long time. And some of the Adoptees in my life have made up stories about why they think their birthmother made the choice.....most of the time the stories are sad, and involve a helpless birthmother who had to be only 12 or she had to have been raped....or some other drama....

As an adoptive mother I want my two adtoptees to know the history and understand what happened...when the time is right. My big question is---do you think it will make a difference knowing they were not given up but, "taken" away from their birth mother.... And if it does make a difference could you let me know what you would think the positive and negative differences might be?
Our children have a life book to look at as they grow. Our State gave it to them, there are pictures and the whole story with no detail left out about why they were "taken." I often look at these books with mixed feelings.... How will it really feel to be told your mother was a crazy drug usere who didn't care about you?

Thank you, so much for any input you might offer....We only wish our children will have a healthy attitude and any insight will only make us better parents.

[Decision]

I am posting this post as a mother, not as any part of the traid, but a mother.
I think that as a parent we want to shelter our children from any harm, emotionally or phyisically, it hurts us when our children are in pain. I am a parent to three children, I am a mother to four. What I want for all my children is for them to have the ability to grow into wonderful human beings, sometimes it hurts to grow. Truth is sometimes harsh, and unforgiving. BUT the truth is what makes our children grow into these wonderful adults. Yes it would hurt to read that their mother did not want them at that time in her life, When my child asks a question and I know the answer will hurt them, I do not shower that answer with flowers but give it to them straight, letting them know that it is okay to feel angry, sad and hurt,I stand by and let them be in their feelings they know that my arms are a place of comfort. I think that if we shelter our children we are only doing more harm. for these children will not be our children forever. Humans are complex in nature, and I really do believe that if a child is told a truth covered in flowers that the child will never grow to understand, the child will never learn compassion, they will never to overcome obstacles. My children are curious by nature, now I wonder if it is in the way they are raised. I want my children to be curious about everything,this world has so much to offer, so much to give, so much pain to endure, I want my children to know upset, to know anger, to know hurt, for when they do their hearts and minds grow, they become strong minded individuals that are not afraid to speak their own minds, or to tell the truth.
Hugs
Melissa

[JenDoane]

My parents always told me as much as they knew of my birthmother's situation. I'm so grateful that my parents were so open and honest with me as a child growing up. If I had been taken from my bmom for whatever reason I would have much rather known that then to have this image in my mind of it being a better situation than it really had been. JMO!

Jennifer

[Dianna]

My kids were all removed by social services. The oldest was sad one day about being adopted. I told him how sad his birth mom was about not being able to parent him. This relieved his suffering somewhat. The job of explaining why birthparents were not able to parent is similar in both situations. It is all a choice. To keep using drugs, and not providing, the choice to find a good home and relinquish, and all the gray area in between. One day my daughter was not able to tie her shoes. I said, you want to do this but you can't right? It is the same with your birthparents, they wanted to parent but they just couldn't.

I think the bottom line is too communicate about love. The children ned to know that there is plenty of love in this world for them.

[riley6]

I know you wanted to hear from adoptees, but as an adoptive mother, let me say that telling your child that his mother "was a crazy drug usere who didn't care about you" would most definately hurt them.

I would hope that you would, age appropriately, explain to your children that sometimes people take drugs because they are in pain, have been hurt, or for other reasons, have made bad choices. Because of the drugs, the parents were unable to take care of ANY child. I always tell my kids that I'm sure your bmom loved you, after all, you are such a loveable child. But she didn't take care of you the way a child needs to be taken care of.

By telling your child that their bmom didn't care ABOUT them, you are giving the child the message that they are unworthy. You are also making a judgement about the bmom that probably is untrue. MOST parents do love their children. The kids who are in the system have parents that have made really bad decisions. We don't always know why, but I betcha that a lot of times the parents were victims themselves.

[HappyMomAnna]

No I certainly would never tell my children these facts....however, I didn't create the LifeBook the state did...and had I created the lifebook I would have omitted a number of details I don't think they need to know of at any age.

My concerns are mostly about how they will feel when they are grown...and the lifebook does clearly say their mother "suffered mental health issues she refused to have addressed in order to keep you..." It also actually says, every time she tested positive and for which drugs and that she "didn't care about her baby being healthy and she put her baby in danger when she decided to use drugs." The lifebooks actually says: "some moms decide they like drugs too much to keep theri kids safe.. and some moms won't stop using the drugs to keep theri kids, your mom decided she wanted the drugs more then getting you returned..."

I have quoted the exact words used in the lifebook the State made and gave to our children...I wonder if it is unethical to edit the books...I have felt that was wrong, but when I read them my eye always finds another thing I think would hurt to know more then to never know....

[Mary RamireZ]

I have a problem I was raped and I gave my birthson away after thinking my husband was not the father. I later found out my husband was the father. Now I am told by the adoptive mother we were never to met it would cause to much trama, by the social worker. I can met him only if I never tell him I was rape and that was why I gave him up not knowing who was the real father. What I want to Know is do adoptive want birthparent lie just so everyone can get together. Social worker told my birthson's mother they worked with lot of adopte for years and is aways right. The adoptivemother does not read books on adoption since she adopted, never seem to need them.


by
Mary

[riley6]

First off I think the state was wrong for using those words in the child's life book.

How often do your children look at the books? I made my four adopted kids life books and they hardly ever (maybe twice in two years) have asked to look at them. I have two teens, a four year old and a seven year old. I would NEVER read anything like that to children as young as my youngest two. It places an idea in their minds that they were not important to their bmoms. Kids get part of their identities from their parents. Those words would be a stab to their egos. I would put the books away for when they are older and make my own life book for them. Include in that book how much you wanted a child, how thrilled you were when the agency told you about her, and how much in love with her you were when you first met her. I'd say how happy you are that she joined your family and how much you love her and want to take good care of her.

My children's moms have mental health issues. I have explained to all of them that mental illness is no different than physical illnesses. "There are chemicals in the brains that are missing and they need to take medicine to help the chemicals work. Sometimes people choose not to take those medicines and they decide to take other drugs or alcohol instead. The drugs and alcohol only make their brains sicker. So they can't take care of any children. Sometimes those drugs and alcohol are very hard to stop taking. Sometimes the people choose not to stop taking them and sometimes the people can't stop taking them without help from doctors. For whatever reasons, your parents weren't able to stop taking the drugs or alcohol." We always pray together that the children's moms will be healthy one day. I never speak badly of their moms as people, I only talk poorly of the choices that they made. NEVER would I say that their moms chose anything over them. I tell them that their moms love them in their own way. That some people aren't able to love anyone the way we all love each other.

There's no rule that says that children can only have one life book or that the state's life book has to be shown over and over again to the child. Some of the workers have no idea what they're doing. The one's I've dealt with are young, inexperienced in life and social work, and don't have kids. You are the children's mom and it's your job to make sure the kids grow up with self-esteem. Shame on the workers who put together that life book. I'm glad the kids have found you.

[riley6]

Mary, how old is your son? If he's a child, it would be up to the adoptive parents if you meet him or not. If he's an adult, he can make the decision for himself. In either case, the social worker has nothing to do with it. Do you have an open adoption? Are you able to talk to the A.Mom?

If he's just a child, I wouldn't recommend telling him about your rape. If he's an adult and asks, then I would tell him the truth.

You are in such a hard situation. I'm sorry you've gone through so much. Just curious, how did you find out your husband is the bfather of your bson?

[HappyMomAnna]

Thank You for your letter..... I suppose I hadn't thought of a second lifebook.... and I agree there is far too much info and the wording is insensitive. Right now the five year old askes to see them every two-three weeks, mostly to "remember" what birth mom looks like...she is not reading at this point so we have "summerized" all the words with out saying so many of them because it hurts us to say them we can't imagine the children hearing them....let alone reading them....
TODAY--I am taking the photos and getting copies, and will put together a book with LOVE and the originals will be put away...for a very-very long time.... until we feel the children are well developed--and adjusted adults, maybe at the time they decide to look, or after they are parents...
Thank you for helping to confirm what I thought was a very harmful message to our children.

[Sharon]

"My concerns are mostly about how they will feel when they are grown...and the lifebook does clearly say their mother "suffered mental health issues she refused to have addressed in order to keep you..." It also actually says, every time she tested positive and for which drugs and that she "didn't care about her baby being healthy and she put her baby in danger when she decided to use drugs." The lifebooks actually says: "some moms decide they like drugs too much to keep theri kids safe.. and some moms won't stop using the drugs to keep theri kids, your mom decided she wanted the drugs more then getting you returned..."

I have quoted the exact words used in the lifebook the State made and gave to our children...I wonder if it is unethical to edit the books..." ~ HappyMomAnna
Anna, I think it would be "unethical" to edit out the FACTUAL INFORMATION in this lifebook; but I don't think you would be at all out of line to edit out all the sanctimonious, judgemental speculation and conjecture, which tells the reader a whole lot more about the person who WROTE this text than about your child's birthparents. Adoptee does not mean "idiot". I'm sure that in the future your child will be capable of reaching her own conclusions about whether or not her mentally ill, drug-addicted bio-mother did or did not care about her safety and well-being. I think the lifebook would actually be a much more valid and accurate document without all the dogmatic and patronizing assumptions. Edit out the moral superiority; leave the facts. Your daughter will read it and know the truth.
best, ~ sharon

[HappyMomAnna]

I am thankful to know that my impulse feeling about the lifebooks are not out of line. I agree that the writer of the books clearly used words that show her feelings. In this case the books are beautiful and well made the secretary who made them did a nice job on the show... it is in reading the words that the overwhelming feeling 'this cannot be good' comes up.
I do want the children to understand what has happened, but I also want them to have compassion for their birthmother... I do not believe many of the words written in the lifebooks convey any compassion at all.
.......................................And yes, birthmom had a horrible life, she was sexually abused by her own father and placed in Foster care herself. There was an aligation that a foster brother molested her but the claim was unfounded (according to the records) Birthmother has had a very hard life and in my opinion had little chance to even know what a functional life was like. She ran away at 15 and have been mostly homeless since that time. She willingly placed our children's older brother at birth and has now given birth to another boy... We want our children to have faith in everyone, including their birthmother. We want them to imagine her safe, and warm at night and not sleeping in a shack. We want them to believe in her sucess as that could be the greatest Prayer for her future. We want them to be able to find her oneday if they wish to look...and when they do we want them to know she loved them.....because I know she did.
Thanks everyone....I have decided. We will make a picture book for our five-year old to look at. She is very scared she will forget what her birthmother looked like... We will also edit the life book and consider the phrasing of the information given. The same message can be made without the tone of contempt.

I still do wonder however? Do adult adoptees feel anything different when they are willingly placed or the state termintates the rights... To me it would be easy to jump to conclusion and as an adoptive mother I never want to jump to anything--I would like to hear from adoptees and understand their thinking.

[Lsvdb]

Hmmmmm......I dont know any better because I was taken away from my mother when I was a baby. I am not sure how many months the abuse took place before me and my 2 sisters and brother were removed permanantly from that home. I have learned that my adoptive mother and father were abusive drug users who didnt have a proper upbringing themselves. They were both abused as children and became abusers themselves. I have compassion for them and forgive them for the abuse...maybey it is because I dont remember....my brother and one of my sisters have severe mental dissorders tho...I think it was fetal alcohol syndrom. Can they forgive? Have they forgotten? I dont know. I want to find out more about my bmom and bdad. I am not ready to meet them but, I want to know if they are still alive. I want to find out if they ever got help for their problems. I want to know if they found Christ! I had a happy adoptive family and a good life with them...but, I just have all these questions and I want answers for them. I am not sure how adoptees feel when their mothers give them up at birth...i havent been there....
Hope this helps you in your quest to know how adoptees feel when they are taken away.

[Nicole28]

I think that you should tell your children the complete truth - when the time is right and when they are emotionally mature enough to handle the facts. Be prepared their reaction - they will probably be angry, and confused, and feel abandoned and betrayed. They may even distance themself from you for awhile while they digest what you have shared with them. As an adoptee I cannot emphasize enough how important the truth is in this instance. Manufacturing a lie to save them emotional turmoil would not be a wise idea. They know that they have an incredible mother who loves them and wants them and accepts them, and in the end that will make it easier for them to accept the details of their adoption.

I do not discuss my adoption with my adoptive parents, and although I am sure I could if I simply brought it up, it has always been a tense subject between the three of us. I can assure you that your children will be thankful for your honesty about the matter and your willingness to discuss it.

[nickychaz]

As an adoptee, I can tell you that I have spent more nights crying myself to sleep than I care to remember because I couldn't imagine how horrible I must have been to have my mother simply give me away. I am a 35 year old woman now, and I still wonder about it. As a mother myself, I can't imagine simply handing my baby over to strangers to raise. I have been searching on and off for years and wish I could discover the circumstances of my birth. Even if my b-mom doesn't want me in her life, it would give me peace of mind. I also just found out that I am pregnant and would love to have a mother to share things with. My mother in law is great, but its just not the same.

As for your own adoptive children, I'm sure you will make the right chioce. You seem to be interested in your adoptive children's emotional well-being and they are lucky to have you.

Best Wishes,
Lisa