[sam_i_am_71801]

I am an adoptee reunited with my birth family. I received my non identifying information AFTER I found and met my family. In the information packet that I received it stated over and over that my birth mother was mentally retarded. THIS IS NOT TRUE! IT COULDN'T BE FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH. I have no idea why the social worker put this in the file but I was plenty pissed off when I read it. And would still like to trace that woman down and kick her fanny.
I guess my point here is that not all information the social services gives us is correct. My mother was one of 13 children the six younger than her are three sets of twins. My grandfather died 2 years before I was born and granny was trying to take care of 7 children and herself on welfare at that. My mother had to quit school when she was in the 8th grade to help granny. Thousands of children did that back before the 70s, to help their families survive. My mother was not and is not retarded. She is just uneducated. I would think that a social worker who is supposed to BE educated would have seen this. Today my mother owns a business and grosses over one hundred thousand a year. hummmm.......sometimes there is only one way to find the truth and that is to find the family. If I had been told that I was "taken" I still would have searched. You never know if the situation was that it was an abusive one, or if the social services just thought that the family was too poor to care for the child. There are so many angles. I did fantasize about why I was placed for adoption. My fantasy was that my mother was too young and just couldn't afford to feed me and take care of me properly. And that is exactly what I found out........to be the truth. As an adoptee I have learned to say and practice to "NEVER SAY NEVER" Cause you just do not know. Until you know for sure.

Sam, What a great story about your bmom!! If that isn't one that inspires hope I don't know what is!! You must be very proud of her!

Donna

[Lsvdb]

That is quite a story! Really makes ya wonder what that social worker was thinking! Makes me upset to think that they accused my mother of abusing me and it didnt happen! NOW I NEED TO KNOW WHERE SHE IS!!!!

[lainy]

The words Taken and given can have both negative and positive responses.
If the child is given away, then it can be looked at as the bmother doing a selfless act to enable that child to have a better life. On the other side it can also leave the child feeling unwanted, why me, was could she not love me.
Being taken away, well the blame is then at the state rather then the bparent, however the child can then get cross that there parent harmed them, but it can also leave the child believing the bparent perhaps had no other choice then to take drugs, perhaps they had been abused. That can be dangerous for the child because they don't get closure and they can have distored thoughts of what is true.

I think tell your children that they were taken, explain about the drugs, be careful not to paint either a picture that the bparent is bad for harming then, because that will cause distance between you and your children, they will recent that. But try also to not minimise the bparent's actions. Let your children have the truest account of their past, perhaps find out about drug use, the addiction it causes, so your children can make an informed choice about their bparent.

I say all the above from my professional point of view, i am a social worker and psychotherapist, but i also say it personally as an adoptee. If there is one thing that always stands out to an adopted child is if there aparent/s ever say something negative about the bparent/s.
One thing many clients have said to me is that there aparent/s dislike there bparent/s or say something negative and the adoptee is left feeling if there aparent hates the bparent then the aparent must hate me, because i came from the bparent.

I hope you find the above some help.
Remember parents make mistakes and you will at some point do something that messes up, just be true to yourself and your children and you will learn together.

all the best.
Lainy

[HappyMomAnna]

I really want to thank everyone who has responded to this question..... It is a very scary road to walk knowing simple words spoken the wrong way can hurt so deeply.
Our goal as adoptive parents is to raise these children in the most positive way possible. All of the feedback here has really assisted us in thinking about these issues and planning our way of answering the questions we will get.... Thanks to everyone

[teesah]

I am in the process of having the parental rights terminated of a child I've been rasing for the past 2yrs now.

I fully intend to tell her about her mom's actions when she was a baby, and the reasons why I have done what I am doing. For the fact of she needs to know that the environmen she was in was not fit to raise a child and that her mom did have choices...she could have quit drugs in April of 2002 when she found out whe was pregnant again and the baby would have been fine when she was born in Nov. Her mom didn't have to choose to give guardianship to me, she could have chosen to quit her drugs but didn't. She needs to know that the reason she is where she at is because it is the best thing for her. What her mom did or did not do. Not to make her mom look bad but to understand that that someone cared enough to give her a fair chance where she would not have had one.

Teesah

[Jocarrol]

I am an adoptee. I was either left/abandoned, or taken away, I don't know yet. I was only four. I remember that I didn't trust grown-ups. I have blocked any memory of my bparents out. I don't remember crying, or wanting to see pictures of them. Maybe I did and I just don't remember.
I think the life book is a good idea. I think you making copies of the pictures and making another life book is a great idea. I'm sure since you are the mother now...you will know what you want your child to hear. I would keep the other life book and put it away. My thinking is your child has already had to deal with enough pain. You have plently of time to decide if and when to show your child the original life book again. Its not always a matter of telling the truth, most parents sheild their children from truths until they are mature enough to handle them.
This is just the way I feel...

Jo

[koon38]

If your looking for the answer to this question, no one better could have read this post. I am a reunited adoptee who was taken away from my birthmother. I didn't know this until I contacted my b-aunt, and it was quite a shocker. If many adoptees are like my, we want the answers so bad that it doesn't matter what they are, it's better than the nothing that we've had for so long. I found out that I had no prenatal care, she was a drug user, has a major mental health problem, and has been missing since 1993. Lots of bad news, but at least I know. I am very grateful that my aunt has been so honest with me about her, so that I don't have this fairy tale about who she is or was. Don't worry, when your child is old enough to hear it, you will be doing the right thing by being honest. To reference previous replies, if your child ever finds out that you lied to them about their past, that will be harder to overcome than the decision that you have to make now.

Rob

[koon38]

If your looking for the answer to this question, no one better could have read this post. I am a reunited adoptee who was taken away from my birthmother. I didn't know this until I contacted my b-aunt, and it was quite a shocker. If many adoptees are like my, we want the answers so bad that it doesn't matter what they are, it's better than the nothing that we've had for so long. I found out that I had no prenatal care, she was a drug user, has a major mental health problem, and has been missing since 1993. Lots of bad news, but at least I know. I am very grateful that my aunt has been so honest with me about her, so that I don't have this fairy tale about who she is or was. Don't worry, when your child is old enough to hear it, you will be doing the right thing by being honest.

Rob

[MandyMae17]

Hi,
I was a "taken" child. I was in and out of foster homes and my birth mother's home from the age of 4 months until I was three. The thing is, I can see this situation from many angles. Social services tried to teach her skills, tried to help her, allowed her many chances, and finally took her to court so I could be adopted by my parents. My birth mother tried. I believe that she truly wanted me, otherwise she wouldn't have kept asking for me back. The problem is, she was not equiped to be a healthy parent. I choose not to hold this against her... which is not easy, but necessary. Some people are just not well adjusted. Period. I prefer to focus on the positive aspects of my adoption, and I feel that is why I am a well adjusted adult adoptee.
My parents were always open with my adoption info at age appropriate intervals... they disclosed information when I could understand it throughout my upbringing. There has never been any shame or issues around being "adopted" or around my birth parents... my mother was almost more gun-ho to find my birth sister then I ever was. I've always focused on the fact that my mother did try... she did want me... she was unable to do it, though. And I was always happy, being an only child, that I knew I had an older sister out there, somewhere. I accept the negative aspects of my adoption as well, don't get me wrong... I'm not in denial. But, why focus on negatives all the time?
Taken, Given, there are positives to be found in any of those situations if one looks long and hard enough.

[Searching_03256]

Anna - I have not read every post in this thread with complete detail but enough to see there is A LOT of good info and perspectives here.

As an adoptee, I fully agree with don't hide anything. You are the mother and it is your job, and even your RIGHT! to determine what get's seen by and told to your child. You have an obligation to protect them and I am sure you will do it.

That said, AGE APPROPRIATE INFO is a very big thing to me. Your children will ultimately, one way or another, find out everything. You can help them from day one to understand it is the most accurate and positive way. If a 6 year old reads some of the stuff in that Life Book they aren't going to understand it fully but you can always emphasize "that is a very poor way for saying that your biological mom just wasn't in the right frame of mind to be able to raise you and that is why we got the wonderful opportunity to do so..."

A lot of my "counseling" of all parties to the triad, but especially aparents and bparents is that kids understand and accept FAR MORE than we ever can as adults. An example is some aparents that were way concerned about how their bio child would accept the newly adopted one. The bio child was 3 or 4 if I recall correctly. After a year he was running around telling his friends "I came from her tummy, she came from adoption" and everything was cool and most importantly, equal, to him. Kids get this stuff okay - its us adults and especially the non-adoptive world that has problems.

I guess what I am saying is that my opinion is to present things in the best way you know possible and adjust that as kids grow up but whatever you do, don't lie or hide things from them because that is where the problems start.

-Scott