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Originally Posted By sharin

I am really confused. I recently found my birthmother and sent her a letter. After a few months, she finally responded to me and sent me a very nice letter detailing her life and reasoning for giving me up for adoption. I really appreciated the letter and then proceeded to contact her again. I haven't received a response from her and don't know if I will. She mentioned in her first letter that she doesn't want anyone to know that I have contacted her and if I want to keep in contact with her, to make certain I am very discreet. I can handle that but she also mentioned that I have a brother that her and my biological father had before I was born, (I was born after they divorced). She says she cannot tell him about me. He is 36 years old. I feel I can accept that my bmom doesn't seem to want to get to know me but I really don't think its fair to keep this from my "real" brother. I really would like to meet him. We are both adults (I am 30 years old) and I feel like he should be able to make his own decisions about wanting to meet me. I just feel like we are both missing out on something. Am I expecting too much and am I unfair to even want to meet him? Please help me sort this out and make the right decision. Thanks

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Originally Posted By maggie

Hello, You are all adults in this!!! You have every right to contact your brother on your own. But, you must first decide if you want to continue contact with your bmom as to contact your brother without her will create a problem. I am a bmom who also told no one about my bson. I have now adopted him as an adult so we are mother and son again. So, with time almost anything can happen. If you want to contact your brother, do so. Maggie

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Originally Posted By shirley ann amarante

i am also an adoptee searching for my brother and sister i do not think you are making the wrong choice if you really feel you want to find your family then do so i am even though i was told buy my adoptive mother i am going to be disapointed because my mother brother and sister have mental problems but i can't hold that against them she seems to think i should so she isn't very happy about me wanting to find my family listen hers my email feel free to talk when ever sherriphelps@pronetisp.net good luck if you have the name i will look in the phone book for you i am from ny all i need is a last name and i wll give you a list of all them i find

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Originally Posted By birth mother Jamie

I feel that you have the right to know your brother & your brother has the right to know you.

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Originally Posted By Liz

Personally I think you should respect her wishes. She made a decision to give you up to a better home better life and that was her mission. You could cause her alot of problems and really disrupt her family now.

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Originally Posted By leslie

I agree.....we should all be lucky that we have good lives...we should not spend the rest of our lives wonder why we were adopted...you should be thankful that you found her and let her be.....it is a very personal thing for some people and we are not here to judge what is fair and what is not fair! Put yourself in her shoes and let fate take its course...good luck!

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Originally Posted By Jess

Sharin,

I can certainly feel for you. So far all your decision have been made for you, by your bmom. Your "present" all stems from her choices..good or bad. It is indeed frustrating when you have the desire to know and can't, and non adoptees are born with the rights to their origins. It is funny to me that all people spend a life time contemplating the meaning of life. Why they are here, how they are here, and yet some can not understand an adoptees desire to know. You do have the right to do what you want, but ultimately will it get you what you want?

Think about the relationship you want with your birth family. She needs to tell her 36 year old son that he has a sister, and that she gave her up. He may feel betrayed by her for not telling him, for a while at least. She has to have the time to adjust. Time will give you the opportunity to help foster an even greater desire within her to want to continue her relationship with you. This might give her the inner strength to tell her son that she has withheld this infomation from him. It's my personnal feeling that it should come from her, especially if you want future contact. There are too many unknowns. What if he and his mother are extremely close? What if she gets upset at your contacting him , then he resents you. Time is going no where , right now at least. You have found, she has corresponded. Good first step. Take it slowly and you might be pleasantly surprised!!

Hope this helps....The VERY best of luck...A new door is about to open in your life..step into it slowly.

Jess

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Originally Posted By djc

hi sharin - i am a b/mom w/the same exact family story as yours. Had a son before my daughter was born whom i gave up for adoption. i can go more into detail if you would like to e-mail me at dc@adoption.com. i made the right decision & maybe i can help you if you need to talk about it. bye..

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Originally Posted By Nicole

Why do you think she told you about him if she didn't want you to get to know him? She may change her mind; from her slow responses, it appears she is oone who really thinks and reflects about decisions. (Some comfort in knowing that she probably thought long and hard about giving you up! Perhaps having to see you and possibly integrating you into her "public" and private life is just going to take time. She may be dealing with heartwrenching guilt and painful memories etc. Patient tactics may be the best approach -- let her into your life not expecting responses...eg. a monthly letter with photos and update of your life, keep it short and upbeat, cards, etc.

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Originally Posted By dutchman117

having had my natural family find me, it with anger that i advise you to do whatever it takes so that your siblings know who you are. you are being treated very unfair by your bmom and she needs to take responcibilities on these issues. in other words, this is her problem and not yours.
with love and the knowing what its like to have a family once again........dennis.....(dutch)

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Originally Posted By Denise

Just like we, adoptees, feel it is our right to know who are bparents are shouldn't we also know who are siblings are? They are blood also. Contacting your brother would be wonderful for you, but it also puts your bmom in a situation she is not ready to handle. From the sounds of it he does not know about you. I believe you and he have a right to know one another, it doesn't sound as if your b-mom wants to have much of a relationship with you, but maybe your brother does. You have to weigh the odds on both sides. Good luck to you!

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Originally Posted By cassy

Personally I don't think that your expecting to much. Like you stated you both are adult, let him make the decision to meet you not someone else. I think that its wrong for your birthmom to still even to this day keep you a scret, thats not fair to you. You didn't ask to be here. It sounds like your birthmom has a lot of skeletons in her closet that she thought were hidden. What did she think that you would never find her or even be curisou about who you are? Sorry, but your birthmom seems to still have some issuse that needs to be addressed.