[Fekhten]

So...I'm thinking of finding my bsiblings. I always like to put the cart before the horse and I'm not sure what to write after locating them. My mind keeps wondering:

1. What in the world to write that won't sound trite, silly, hackneyed, or just plain dumb?

2. How do you write it in a way that minimizes the shock for them?

I'd probably do this before contacting bparents and there's a very good chance the siblings don't know about me. Yikes.

Any suggestions? Would anyone be willing to share part of a similar letter they've written?

Thanks!

-Fekhten

[AntKnee]

I had actually written a letter to one of my sisters before I did for my bmom, however, about a week later I decided to send one out to my bmom as well. My situation was a little bit different in that I knew a lot of names as well as the situation surrounding my adoption. I felt that it was important for me to include as much of this information as possible since I believed that my sister did not know about me. I did this as a way to sort of prove that I was not some person trying to "scam" her. I hoped that I provided enough information for her to believe my story (which she did). My first paragraph contained something like "I apologize if you are the wrong person, but I believe you may be my biological sister. At that point she was like, "sorry, but you have the wrong person". However, after reading on, she was like, "how does he know so much"?

My sister never contacted me even though I had sent the letter to the right person. What I later found out (after reunion) was that my sister was going to tell me that I needed to contact her mother before she would speak to me. She really did not know how to bring this up to her mom, so I sort of put her in a difficult position.

[Decision]

I have to respectfully disagree with AntKnee mind this is depending on your own curcumstances meaning if you dont want contact with your birthmother. Siblings are a totally different ball game. I believe that if you did want to contact your siblings you should. In the event that my son felt this way I gave him the names of his siblings (I found my son last year no contact yet). Yes it would be difficult if your siblings did not know about you, it would come as a shock, personally I dont believe that this should be considered. If you want to know them then that should be your choice not your birthmothers. A sibling relationship is much different than a mother/son mother/daughter relationship even in the event of adoption. JMHO.
If your siblings chose not to contact you before you contacted your birthparents I would consider that unfair. What if you dont want to meet your birthparents? I think those things should be considered by all parties including the sibling.
Hugs
Melissa
p.s I would be very happy if my sons were to meet even if I was not a part of it, sure my feelings would be hurt but the most important thing for me is for ALL my children to do what is best for them.

[spaypets]

Why would you want to contact your birth siblings before your birth mother -- especially knowing that they might not know anything about you? It seems to me that you are trying to create conflict in a family (perhaps punish your birthmother?). Out of respect for her you should at least give her the opportunity to inform them herself.

I can't think of anything that would make me want to meet a previously unknown relative less than to have them drop their existence on me without giving my parents a chance to prepare me. I am putting myself in your birthsiblings position and if I received such a letter out of the blue, I'd be furious -- not at my parents (because I have a relationship with them that I don't want to upset) but at the person who had the audacity to drop such news in my lap. Human nature being what it is, people often direct their anger to the person for whom it will cause the least amount of trouble (a wife will be furious at the other woman more than her cheating husband, a husband will hate his mother-in-law rather than confronting his wife about her failure to stand up for him).

We can go on and on about whether a bmother should inform later children of her previous decision to place a child, but the fact is many birthmothers decided not to burden their current children with the knowlege of a "lost" sibling. Once that child has been "found" the birth mother should at least be given the option of informing her children herself.

Furthermore, if your birthmother is on the fence or hestitant about meeting you, circumventing her and going to HER children without her prior knowlege may mean she would never want anything to do with you.

You don't know anything about the family or the dynamics or how such news will be received. I understand you want to meet these people, but you might ruin your chances by going in the back door like this.

Please think about this...

[AntKnee]

Decision... I am not offended with the fact that you disagree with me. However, what is it that you disagree with? All I told Fekhten was facts. I never told him what to do, just what I did. Is the fact that my sister said that she was going to suggest that I contact my bmom incorrect? Whether that was a good or bad choice by my sister, it is what she wanted me to do.

[MANoICE]

I agree with Spaypets. I think that you should contact your bmother first and tell her that you would like to meet you bsiblings. Even if you prefer to meet them first, i would give her the opportunity to let them know so you don't set off some angry chain reaction. If the bmother gets upset by your actions, it will cause her to negatively affect your chances of a realtionship with siblings. I wouldn't say to absolutly not do it, but I would say it is taking a huge risk. I sent contact letters to both bparrents and have been in contact with my bdad. His kids already knew about me, so it wasn't a big deal there. Nearly 3 months later, no response from bmom. I believe I have also located a half brother and sister, but would not dream of contacting them for now. Maybe after a few years, but not until I know what is going on with bmom.

[Fekhten]

Many thanks, everyone, for all the perspective on this. I'll reconsider everything based on the concerns that you've mentioned.

-Fekhten