This is horrible. Its been my feeling all along that there are so many people that don't value children. This child was probaly just a notch for someones belt loop...you know...the career...house...baby...it all looks good. They have no idea they have made a HUMAN BEING.. I think this is a perfect case for a closed adoption. This child needs to be protected from the adults in his/her life. There are many people that could give this child the unconditional love he/she deserves. The parents should pay the surrogate mother and when this child is born the baby sgould be handed over to adoptive parents. Clean slate for the child. I would hate to see legal wrangling over adults "needs" and have the chlid in the foster system. The childs needs first!! Donna

[clara]

Dpen6,

RIGHT ON THE NOSE!! Wholeheartedly agree - closed adoption is this child's only hope of any kind of life: this is not the kind of original roots story, I would want any child to have to live with.
The child deserves committed loving parents willing to protect this child at all cost - even if that means not leaving any trace of an adoptive relationship. This is one story whish comes nowhere close to a child having the right to know: if anyone is in doubt, just ask yourself: is this the kind of family you would want to find out about your own life-I seriously doubt it.

There has to be some criminality in all of this whereby the parents responsible for this mess are held accountable... No?

Yes the child should come first - but will that actually happen?

This is no tragedy waiting to happen... it has happened and there is no quick fix!

Renee, In our society bio is first...even when it is not in the best interest of the child!!

[sweetnoodle]

I too, think Donna's solution is the best scenario for the child. I still think s/he can get her non id info later, and even identifying at age 18/21. The child needs to have a normal life, if possible, and with the already media coverage, a closed, whisking away seems to be the only solution.

Wouldn't it have been wonderful if thie infertile (I suppose) couple actually adopted a child that was already here on this earth instead of creating such a mess . . . oh wait a minute, I forgot, it's not about the child, it's about what I want . . .

[achap3]

My personal opinion concerning surrogate pregnancy is there are enough children here to adopt than to even start this mess from the beginning. Because even if it's done so-called right with no legal problems, it's still sticky and messy situation to sort out. I tell you what, the surrogate should just KEEP the baby, because I don't if anyone's going to rush in there and take the baby from her and sue the divorcing couple each for CHILD SUPPORT!

[clara]

Donna and Nancy,

I think this exemplifies exactly the kind of point several adoptees seemingly refuse to hear: bio isn't ALWAYS BEST and it is not always in the interest of the child to expose that child to all!!!!

We can discuss ad nauseum the pros and cons of the right to know who we are, but is it ALWAYS appropriate?

This is the kind of thing which triggered me to do on line research in the first place for the book I am writing on adoption and identity. The basis of the story I tell is different: but the underlying essence of what determines a person's sense of identity, once an adoptive context is discovered is the same as this child's story: What sort of identity basis is: we paid someone to have you for us, things didn't work out between your father/mother and me, we divorced, so we "couldn't" keep you/ no sorry, the truth is neither of us wanted you any more!.... just how nullyifying is that? Talk about feeling like an irrelevant object: where is any kind of identity in that - for the truth?

There are situations in which I sincerely do believe that children are better off never knowing anything about their circumstances of birth or anything about the people who conceived them.
The damage it can do and does is far too high a price for any person to have to pay. I think this is an issue most here on the forum are more comfortable not discussing at all.

One poster a while back posted how she wished she had never been told then she would not have wanted to search and would never have had to find out that her father was a murderer: Now she has that Truth to live with and integrate and deal with for the rest of her life: Was this knowledge really worth the agony she will be spending her life suffering? Not at all, in my opinion.

Truth, like reality is relative: is does not apply to everyone all the time and is not the genie in the bottle everyone wishes it were....

achap3 i take your point, but what if the surrogate does not want the child and was in it only for the cash? And then who can be sure she doesn't keep the child just for the right to child support and has no parental interest in being a real parent?

Lawmakers should be giving their own back yard a good hard look- this should never have been allowed to happen in the first place.

Nancy, with the apparent non-mentality of the adults involved I'm only too glad if there are no other children anywhere on the horizon.

I am not even sure these twwo people even knew/know what they wanted or want.

[BrandyHagz]

This is one adoptee that agree's, bio isnt always the best.


In my case it wasnt.


I agree that this child shouldnt be forced to live his or her life knowing that there were three people involved in her becoming a person...and NONE of them wanted him/her.


However, the child needs to be placed with parents who are sensitive to the unique situation that brought the child into the world. While I agree that open adoption may be to complicated for the child at an early age...I do think that the child should be afforded the chance to make the decision on their own, once they reach their teens.

Its a complicated story. I pray for the baby. As for the parents...shouldnt they be charged with abandonment or something?

[radiodoll]

No one on this site could POSSIBLY be shocked at this dilemma, could they? I just don't know why Kasey hasn't hooked up with a deserving family who is seeking a child on the flip side of this "site" coin, here.

Adoption is a BUSINESS, people. Not an autruistic movement. Always was, always will be. Nothing trades hands without the all mighty dollar, yen or whatever.

Some of it is "Legal." Most is not. You CAN'T be this silly, now.

I was born in the adoption captial of the world, Kansas City, Missouri. (Soon to be overshadowed by China and Guatemala.) The reason that Missouri is still such a hold out on sealed records is that THE STATE was THE AGENCY brokering transactions! Get it? And that's only the "legal" ones.

Good Lord, folks, people have been selling their kids since the founding of these United States. They sell them at all ages, for all kinds of reasons and still do. This nothing new, simply industry.

I am not saying that I believe that all pregnancies are created for a buck - I am saying that to believe that a bustling industry doesn't create parasite industries is simply naive.

If you are uncertain that adoption is a business, please read about the families seeking children on this site. Money is frequently discussed. Do you think this money is going to starving people in Croatia? Please.

Radiodoll

[Kiera]

I think if the birthmother wants the baby she should keep it and sue BOTH of these irresponsible parents for child support until the kid is of age!

Something tells me there is more to this story than meets the eye though, there usually is...

[KaseyHamnerM.S.]

Radiodoll,

I am not sure what you mean by the following statement:

"I just don't know why Kasey hasn't hooked up with a deserving family who is seeking a child on the flip side of this "site" coin, here."

That is not my place to find a deserving family--I wish I had the power and resources to do so, but I don't. I am simply one amongst many here. I simply heard about this story through a friend that heard about it on a local radio talk show. I was appalled and posted here. I only pray that the child finds his/her place in the world. And like most of us, we are strong, resilient and WILL make a difference in the world. This story is far from over.

To all,

I am generally against closed adoption, but in this case, you all make a very strong point in favor of closed adoption. "Nullify" is the most descriptive term here. This child will experience confusion in the highest order if he/she knows the truth right away. When he/she is an adult, the truth should be known, and he/she will have quite a story to tell. In fact, I would like to be able to write that story!!!

Kasey

[sweetnoodle]

Renee,
I don't think truth is relative . . . facts are facts. It's in the interpretation of facts that emotions arise. Some people are emotionally wired in such a way that they would not be tortured or suffer by knowing the truth of their origins, in fact they may suffer more by not knowing. I feel I was that way. But, I concede, there are people that are emotionally wired the opposite way who would be devasted to find out the facts of their conception.

I do think there are factions who will always generalize and say one way is best: either knowing or not knowing, bio or adopted. And, I am not meaning to generalize. My point is, that I agree, you cannot generalize, and a case by case approach is what is warranted.

However, we are talking about a child, who will one day become an adult, who will be like many adoptees; either the group that is ambivilent about searching out their origins, or one who wants to know!

Also, I do not think one's identity if fully formed by either genetics or environment (that age old argument, also generalizations), but both!

Sincerely,

Radio doll,

I am shocked because this is not an adoption story....its about 2 people that that "had to have a baby"...paid someone to carry that baby...now don't want the child. It didn't start out as an adoption issue but a bio one. We are saying it should end up as an adoption. Thats the the tragady of the whole situation.

My adoption didn't cost anything...ok..it was a long time ago!

I also will pray for this child...

Donna

[KaseyHamnerM.S.]

i will pray for this child as well.

[KaseyHamnerM.S.]

Thanks for a great discussion everyone.

[radiodoll]

Paying for children in any situation constitutes buying and selling. The prices for adoption today breed surrogate arrangements and assure people that they will get a "baby" and not any of the other deserving children already born.

It's all buying and selling. That's the American way. Sorry, but that's how I feel.

Radiodoll -

Kasey - passing along stories is great, but action is better.

Praying, not paying...I agree.