[Decision]

My son is fifteen, I found him a year and a bit ago, due to his age he doesnt want contact so the questions I have are going unanswered, I am hoping some of you out there will be able to help me out.
1- how much of your parents opinions counted when making your own decisions at my sons age?
2- How many of you thought of your birthfamilies as a family, and would you have balked at the thought of a birthfamily member "claiming" that they were family
3- Was anger an issue, and if so how well did you deal with it, and do you believe it was due to your adoption.
4- When did you come to realize that you would benifit from knowledge that your birthfamily had re medical and genetic history.
5- would you have been happy if your parents and your birthparents communicated?
6- Was it important to you to know what your birthfamily looked like?
I would be greatful for any response that anyone can give me in these questions.

[Lovemends2]

1- how much of your parents opinions counted when making your own decisions at my sons age?

I remember being 15 I was capable of making my own choices but I was still a minor and lived under my aparents' roof. I would consider my aparents' advice.

2- How many of you thought of your birthfamilies as a family, and would you have balked at the thought of a birthfamily member "claiming" that they were family

I have looked at my birthfamily as "lost" or "missing" relatives. If my birth mother and father came to meet me when I was 15. I would have react confusion, anger, loyal to aparents, and curiousity. I was afraid that my birth parents would kidnap me.

3- Was anger an issue, and if so how well did you deal with it, and do you believe it was due to your adoption.

Oh yes, I dealt with great grief and anger when I was 14 towards my birth mother even I had not met her at that time but could feel her "selfish" spirit before meeting her. I felt a great abandonment and anger increased in me. I forgot about it until about 10 years later I reunioned with birth mother and my anger was "buried" for a long time and it came back but I had it under my control.

4- When did you come to realize that you would benifit from knowledge that your birthfamily had re medical and genetic history.

I was an teenager when I realized medical and genetic history are a must to know issue.

5- would you have been happy if your parents and your birthparents communicated?

Yes.

6- Was it important to you to know what your birthfamily looked like?

Yes, when I was teenager I would often stare at my face in the mirror for a long time wondering where I got those facial features from?

[SKiefer]

Please no one flame me for my answers below -
I'm currently in reunion with my birthmother and am finding that I'm very protective of my birthfamily and am trying to protect their feelings right now. Your son may be feeling the same way.


1- how much of your parents opinions counted when making your own decisions at my sons age?
I was allowed to have an opinion??? - I didn't have my own opinion when I was 15 - I was a minor and living under their roof - their rules. Not to say I never tested those boundaries but they are my parents. At 15 I was not mature enough to handle the emotions I'm going thru now with my reunion - I wasn't ready till now and I'm 31 - not to say that's the way it is for everyone.

2- How many of you thought of your birthfamilies as a family, and would you have balked at the thought of a birthfamily member "claiming" that they were family
My birthfamily is just that my birthfamily. My mom & dad & brother have claim to the title of "family". I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but to me it's all relative. A family to me is a shelter from the storm of life and that's what my parents give me. I know my birthmother loves me but she's not able to replace my family. My birthfamily holds a different place for me and I chose not to call it family - they are all very understanding of this and it's wonderful.

3- Was anger an issue, and if so how well did you deal with it, and do you believe it was due to your adoption.
At 15 I was very angry - it's an age where you are learing to control your emotions. I don't remember if I was angry due to my adoption I think I was just angry in general because I was ready to be an adult and felt as if everyone just kept me down.

4- When did you come to realize that you would benifit from knowledge that your birthfamily had re medical and genetic history.
At the wonderful age of 31 - my husband & I are thinking about having children and I realized just how important it was - before that I figured what happens happens.

5- would you have been happy if your parents and your birthparents communicated?
I would but that's not happening at this point - my reunion is between my husband, myself & my birthmothers family. If you're asking about during my childhood years - no I would not have wanted them to communicate - I think my mom might have felt as if she had someone looking over her shoulder. My birthmother made a decision and I'm grateful that she stood behind that decision and left an contact up to me. She had signed her consent form but it was up to me to request it.

6- Was it important to you to know what your birthfamily looked like?
Yes & no - I have my dad's coloring & my mom's body - But my birthmother's husband thinks I'm a spitting image of my birthmother.

I think your son may be at a place in his life where he's defining who he is. I think we all can remember what 15 was about!
Give him time and hopefully he'll come around!


Good luck & many prayers are going out to you!

[tlee70]

Great questions Decision. I'm going to try and take a crack at this thread

1- how much of your parents opinions counted when making your own decisions at my sons age?

At the age 15, I was out on my own, so my parents opinions had nothing to do with any day to day decisions that I made. Having said that, If I had good supportive parents, I think I would have at least "listened" to their views.

2. How many of you thought of your birthfamilies as a family, and would you have balked at the thought of a birthfamily member "claiming" that they were family

I would have loved having someone claim me as family, at any age. I never felt that my disfunctional adopted family was of much importance to me, so finding my birthfamily and hoping for acceptance was that much more important to me. I definately think of some of my birthfamily as family, but do they think of me as family??

3- Was anger an issue, and if so how well did you deal with it, and do you believe it was due to your adoption.

I struggle with anger issues all the time. I think at the age of fifteen I was so hurt.....well my emotions were all over the place..utter turmoil. I definately believe alot of my anger comes from being adopted. I don't think I would be angry if I had grown up in a loving environment though.

4- When did you come to realize that you would benifit from knowledge that your birthfamily had re medical and genetic history.

When my son was diagnosed with a terminal genetic illness that was passed onto him through my genes. My "genetic" carrier status was passed on to me through my bmother.

5- would you have been happy if your parents and your birthparents communicated?

I was have been estatic. My life would be dramatically different. When I was adopted though it was not common to have open adoptions.

6- Was it important to you to know what your birthfamily looked like?

Yes, and I still do not know what they all look like, especially on my birthmothers side. Although, ppl say I am the spitting image of my birthfather and this gives me a feeling of "belonging" to someone. Now I can at least say who I look like.

I know you probably didnt want to hear MY answers to your questions LOL...but at least I have been honest! I think that your son is probably at a very confusing crossroads in his life. Being a teenager is wrought with alot of turmoil to begin with. I'm sure that he will eventually sort it all out and his curiousity about you will show itself.

[BrandyHagz]

These are my own personal answers


1- how much of your parents opinions counted when making your own decisions at my sons age?

As far as my a-parents were concerned, I ceased to exist after 07/31/1975 when their bio-son was born...When I wasnt living in various girls group homes, I was taking care of myself at my a-dad's house while he was gone driving a truck over the road for weeks at a time

2. How many of you thought of your birthfamilies as a family, and would you have balked at the thought of a birthfamily member "claiming" that they were family

I dont think I ever knew what a family was until I had one of my own when I got married a few years ago. My "birth family" was as dysfunctional as my "adopted family" and I do fine with out either in my life currently.

3- Was anger an issue, and if so how well did you deal with it, and do you believe it was due to your adoption.

Funny...for me, anger was never an issue...I wasnt mad at anyone...but I think that falls back on my adopted parents and their ability to place blame on me for most anything. I grew up being told my "real parents" didnt want me because I was "ungrateful" and "difficult to please". I wasnt angry at 15, or at 25. But at 30, I am mad as hell....at everyone envolved..and all the **** lies

4- When did you come to realize that you would benifit from knowledge that your birthfamily had re medical and genetic history.

When I turned 21 and had my son, I asked my "birthmother" whom I had known for 11 years if she could provide me with some medical history. She said, "Your fine, I've never had a problem with anything" When I asked about my birth father she said, "I dunno, I think he died or something, but who cares about that" That was 10 years ago....turns out, it was all a lie. lol She just doesnt care...never has, never will...and I cant make her.

5- would you have been happy if your parents and your birthparents communicated?

When I was 9, my bio-half-brother asked his grandparents who had custody of him, to find me. He was sixteen at the time. It was never a secret when it came to who adopted me...as my "birthmother" was a co-worker of my "a-father". When my bio-grandfather made the call, my a-mom said, "Dont talk to me about this stuff, talk to Brandy". At 9 years old, I had to make the choice...there was never any communication between anyone.

(Someday I will post my story...it makes for a real fun read)

6- Was it important to you to know what your birthfamily looked like?

I'd be lying if I said no. I was placed (haha) with a family that was of short stature....even now, I am almost a foot taller than my a-dad...all I ever wanted was to know that there were other 6-ft tall women out there like me....cuz I sure was an oddity where I grew up.

I had a very bad bad "childhood" and left home at 15 never to return. I would have given my left leg to have parents that cared about my well being...the decisions I had to make...and the different issues that face adopted children...but I didnt. I was stuck with a drunken psychopath for a mother a father who just didnt want to have anything to do with kids.

[RaychieR]

My thoughts....

1. My parent's played a huge role in my decisions at 15. While I was an independant thinker, I did weigh in how my decisions would affect my family.

2. At 15, I didn't think of my birthfamily as family. I think I would have had a hard time with someone other than my parents "claiming" me as theirs. I was part of a great family and didn't really feel the need for anything beyond that.

3. I had no anger whatsoever. I was a very happy kid and always viewed being adopted as a great thing - people loved me enough to make a selfless decision for my benefit and other people loved me enough to take me in to their home and raise me.

4. My parents always told me that they would help me find my bparents whenever I wanted to and that if a medical situation arose, that they would search them out. It wasn't until I was pregnant last year that the feeling of needing to know became really strong.

5. I don't think I would have been happy - similar to my answer to #2. That being said, it's a hard thing to really say since that never happened. It may have confused me, but I was born in 1967 and things were very different.

6. That was the one bit of curiousity I have always had. I actually fit in physically with my family really well so I never felt a lack of connection. But I have always looked at people on the street and wondered if there were similarities.

While I didn't have any desire to search for my bmom until I was 35, I feel very lucky to have found her and to be in the beginnning stages of some type of relationship. Parts of me now wonder if I should have started earlier, but I will make the best of what is to come.

I really don't think I could have handled contact at 15, but that has dramatically changed. The desire came to me when I was ready and I could handle any outcome. Be patient. 15 is a tough age but he'll grow out of it and you both can decide what is best for a relationship.

Good luck!

[lemonchutney]

These are hard for me to answer, because it's been 20 years since I was 15. But I'll give it a try.


1- how much of your parents opinions counted when making your own decisions at my sons age?

Not much at all. I was quite rebellious and pretty much made my own decisions (and a lot of mistakes).

2- How many of you thought of your birthfamilies as a family, and would you have balked at the thought of a birthfamily member "claiming" that they were family.

At 15, I didn't think of them as family. I wouldn't have wanted them to claim me as family, but I think I would have liked basic information and just to know that they cared about me.

3- Was anger an issue, and if so how well did you deal with it, and do you believe it was due to your adoption.

I was an angry teen, but I don't think this was due to my adoption. It was mostly because my parents had no clue how to deal with teens (does anyone really know how to do this?).


4- When did you come to realize that you would benifit from knowledge that your birthfamily had re medical and genetic history.

I was always curious about the genetic stuff.


5- would you have been happy if your parents and your birthparents communicated?

Yes.

6- Was it important to you to know what your birthfamily looked like?

Yes.


LC

PS: Keep in mind girls generally mature faster than boys.

[Chris012473]

Ok, here's my crack at the questons...I actually think I have a lot of the same thoughts at Raychie:

1. 1- how much of your parents opinions counted when making your own decisions at my sons age?

Definatly a lot...I had a lot of respect for my adoptive parents and I don't think I would have done anything to hurt them. My aparents were always supportive of me searching when I was ready

2- How many of you thought of your birthfamilies as a family, and would you have balked at the thought of a birthfamily member "claiming" that they were family.

I never thought of my birthfamily as family. As others have said, I had a "family". The people who took care of my needs and were there for me in my good times and bad are my family. I have a special place in my heart for my birthfamily. I have not met any of them yet, but I don't think I will be able to think of them as family...maybe an extended family...I guess I will have to see how I feel.

3- Was anger an issue, and if so how well did you deal with it, and do you believe it was due to your adoption.

I don't reember having any anger issues about or not about my adoption..just a lot of confusion

4- When did you come to realize that you would benifit from knowledge that your birthfamily had re medical and genetic history.

I have a congential heart defect that was not found until I was about 4 weeks old ( I was adopted at 5 days)...When I was about 18 I learned that it was most likely heriditary...that is when I became interested in finding my medical history...But then doctor told me that since I had it it really didn't matter if anyone else had it before me or not, I still had a chance of having a child with the same or a similar defect.

5- would you have been happy if your parents and your birthparents communicated?

I don't know...although at this point in my life, I kind of wished they did, I would know a lot more, but at the same time, I had a pretty simple childhood and was very happy...I think going through the emotions I have now back then would have been really difficult.

6- Was it important to you to know what your birthfamily looked like?

I guess I am one of those lucky people who fit right in with my family...I look just like my amom and we have a lot of the same characteristics...although now that I have my own children, I would love to find out where some of their traits came from and who else I look like.

[Decision]

Thank you everyone for your wonderful replies, I have to admit a little hurt at the fact that many of you do not feel that your birthfamily is not part of your family, something I am not sure I will ever understand. When I read about adoption, I feel that it is suppose to be about enlarging one family not making different ones. I am wondering if thinking that an adoptive family is your one and only is due to the feeling of abandonment. I hope one day I will being to understand why this happens

[NikkiLGA]

Hello. My heart goes out to you, and I pray God will bless you with peace, as you wait for your son's response. To answer the questions that you posed:

1- how much of your parents opinions counted when making your own decisions at my sons age?

At 15, my parents' rules and opinions were what I had to follow. I was under their roof, and though at times I didn't agree with their thoughts and feelings, I went along with them out of respect.

2- How many of you thought of your birthfamilies as a family, and would you have balked at the thought of a birthfamily member "claiming" that they were family?

I do claim my birthfamily as part of my family because as I see it, my b-mom, Liz, carried me for 9 mos, she chose life for me, she is indeed part of my family and will forever be in my heart (you see she passed away from injuries received in a car accident in 1977, so I never met her. If you would like to read my story, here's a link to it:

He Did This for Us - new article by Nikki Lever
Once I got married, I wrote the DEFACS in Atlanta, Georgia, and got a copy of my non-identifying medical records. It gave me enough information to know that my birth mom was 16 when I was born, her mom owned a daycare, her dad was a carpenter, she had 2 sisters and one brother. It told me that her eyes were brown, her hair was brown, she stood 5'7. Much like myself. At that time, my husband said to me "Nikki, we can find these people." From reviewing the non-identifying information, I learned my conception wasn't a consented one, so I figured it was a bad situation, and I also figured my birth mom had moved on, etc http://www.adoptionweek.com/article.php?articleid=283

3- Was anger an issue, and if so how well did you deal with it, and do you believe it was due to your adoption.

At times, I was angry. Especially if my mom and I had a disagreement, I would think to myself "somewhere out there someone thinks just like I do." But as quickly as the anger came, it passed.

4- When did you come to realize that you would benifit from knowledge that your birthfamily had re medical and genetic history.

It was when my Husband and I married in 1996, that I became very curious because we started talking about having children. It was important to find out anything I could about my medical history. I wrote and received my non-id, and am so glad I did.

5- would you have been happy if your parents and your birthparents communicated?

As I am in reunion now with my b-mom, Liz's family, I think it is wonderful that my mom and my grandma can communicate about me. We celebrated my 30th b-day together. Communication is very important.

6- Was it important to you to know what your birthfamily looked like?

Yes, Yes, Yes! I always wondered who I looked like. Now I know, my b-mom, Liz, except my hair is lighter. It is comforting to see where I get certain qualities and characteristics.


Hang in there my friend. We are all at different places in reunion, so I am sure you will get all different types of responses. I wish you the very best.

Love & prayers - NikkiLGA

[BrandyHagz]

Decision...


You said, "I have to admit a little hurt at the fact that many of you do not feel that your birthfamily is not part of your family, something I am not sure I will ever understand"

How are adoptee's...especially adoptee's in closed adoption...supposed to make people they have never met, never had a relationship with...and know nothing about...part of their family?

[RaychieR]

The answers people have given were there own situations and feelings. As I mentioned, I am in the early stages of developing some sort of relationship with my bmom but I don't know what type of relationship that will be - whether it will feel like an extended part of my family or more of a special friendship.

As of the last time we spoke, my bmom had not told her husband and children about me. She has also told me that she didn't think about me every day for the last 36 years - she felt that she had to focus on her life and her family and couldn't do that as best she could if she constantly thought about me. Did those things hurt me? Sure. But I was not and am not in her shoes and choose to believe that she did what she felt was best. What I want for her is to be happy regardless of whether that hurts me or not. I believe that if we are honest with ourselves and each other, things will play themselves out in the best way possible.

[sam_i_am_71801]

there is more to the human than just flesh..........we have souls............that do know and remember, what the physical being cannot...........that is how..........that is why ...........we seek..........the sub C............is the soul.............We remember.........

[Duchie]

1- how much of your parents opinions counted when making your own decisions at my sons age?

My parents opinions meant alot to me. I felt that if I even let them know (at that age) that I wanted to look, it would hurt them and that's the last thing I wanted. At that age I wanted to see them through a two way mirror where I could see them and they couldn't see me (that might sound silly, but it does go through the mind of a 15 year old). Rejection was another issue. Since I didn't know what I was up against, I was afraid of being rejected.

2. How many of you thought of your birthfamilies as a family, and would you have balked at the thought of a birthfamily member "claiming" that they were family?

My "family" was the only family that I knew. For someone to come up to me and say "we're family" was a scary thought. Even now, my mom and dad ARE my family. My bfamily is known lovingly as my extended family. That was my decision and my decision only.

3- Was anger an issue, and if so how well did you deal with it, and do you believe it was due to your adoption?

Anger was never an issue. My family was very compassionate about my feelings. My mom explained things to me so well when I was young that I felt compassion for my bmom at a very young age and have given her nothing but my uttmost respect for the decisions that she had to make.

4- When did you come to realize that you would benifit from knowledge that your birthfamily had re medical and genetic history.

Growing up the doctor would ask my mom questions and she always looked sad and said "we're really not sure". However, when I got married and started having medical problems, I had to get the non-identifying information to resolve the issues. That was my biggest issue of my life.

5- would you have been happy if your parents and your birthparents communicated?

Maybe back then when I was 15. Now I see that they are two different worlds. Although they are meeting now and getting to know one another, I feel that it was best that I had no contact until recently (I'm 40 now). I have an adopted son who is 14. He has no desire at this time, but I would like him to meet his bfamily when he's ready. You must understand that it's an emotional rollercoaster that never stops and that we as adoptees (or I should say myself and my son) have a fine line between families. I was always worried that I would hurt my family by a search. My son has told me that he feels that way. Although I explain to him that I understand how he feels and that it's natural, you're afraid of losing what you already have. Unfortunately, there's alot of stories out there where the adoptee had a rough and terrible life, but if you're one of the lucky ones who had a good life, then I think it's a little harder to reunite.

6- Was it important to you to know what your birthfamily looked like?

Yes. Although my abrother and I have alot of similarities, I never really felt like I had an identity until I met my bfamily. I now see the similarities in looks, body gestures, voices, sayings, etc. It's amazing how alike we are and never knew each other for 38 years.

Good luck in your quest.

Duchie

[snuffie]

Fifteen is a very difficult age. The opinions of my adopted parents mattered very much (even though I tried to do my own thing) it always came down to what they would want.

I never had any anger about being adopted. But I was very frustrated as I had health problems and no health history. I would have loved medical info. even at 15.

It has always been important to me to know what my bfamily looked like. I think as teenagers it is especially important as it validates that although we are individuals we "belong" to a family group too. I know finally finding my family history and heritage has made a huge impact on my life.