[lonorising]

I’ve got an ongoing problem that’s been wearing on me for some time. I’d really appreciate some input. Please be kind.

Brief Synopsis:
I am an adoptee. I was acquired by my adoptive parents when I was merely days old. I have an adoptive brother, who was acquired by the same means two years earlier. Our existence was satisfactory but not without difficulties. He and I have never gotten along and do not talk.

When I was about to have my first son, at age 30, a couple of things happened:
First - my AMom & I had some irreconcilable differences and no longer talk.
Second - I found my BMom.

Finding my BMom was not like you might expect. There was no “Oprah Moment”, no tears, just this stunned and disappointed look on her face. She has treated me cordially but coolly ever since. She and her family live about 3 hours away and I have brought my family (kids & wife) to visit and she has come by us on several occasions.

She does not appear to like me. We keep our distance from each other. She even times her calls for times when I am not at home so she can talk with my wife. She acts as though she is entitled to my kids. She has signed every card either “Mom” or “Grandma” which unnerves me, to say the least. It’s as if she has no use for me but needs me to have access to her “grandchildren”.

The Problem:
I want to sever this relationship. She keeps calling and I keep avoiding the phone. The last we told her is that we were going out of state to visit my wife’s brother for an indefinite stay. That’s been quite a while now. She knows we must be home and that we’re screening the calls. I don’t want to keep this up. Should I write her? I don’t think I could do it on the phone - my brain just ain’t made for that. I need to compose my thoughts first. How do you tackle something like this?

If I haven't provided enough info, feel free to ask questions.

[sspete]

Oh boy is this a tough one!!! Ending a relationship is never easy but if you feel this is what you must do then letting her down easy is the only way!!! How about just seeing and speaking with her on occasion??? Does it have to be all or none?? In this case tell her you are beginning to feel uncomfortable in the relationship, and you would prefer the communication maybe just on holidays or other "special" days you have chosen. Sounds as if there has been some trouble in past family relationships. Do you find having relationships with family memebers is difficult for you?? Discovering what makes these relationships not work may help you in dealing with your bmom. I wish you the best!!! Much luck to you!!! S Pete

[lonorising]

Originally posted by sspete
Does it have to be all or none??

I can't bear to be made to feel guilty for not sharing my family with these people who I see as strangers. I couldn't stand it when my adoptive family made me to feel obligated to give in to their whims - and I knew them for 30 years!

Originally posted by sspete
Do you find having relationships with family memebers is difficult for you??

YES! I have dissociated myself from my AP's, A-brother, A-extended family, and changed my name to boot!
Family irritates me to no end.

[angela dettloff]

My family is very exicted and hopes to see the child they missed watching grow up soon.
Your mother is probley dealing with alot of her own emotions. You should probley write her a letter but watch how you word your words.

[debsdone]

Hi. Sorry for your situation. I am going to offer you some advise, please feel free to disregard.

As I only know a tiny bit of the story, my advise is based on a very limited amount of info. But.....
To totally cut yourself off from all family can be a dangerous thing to do. (If there has been abuse or serious behaviors to warrant this it is different. I am basing this on the feeling I have that this is mostly based on annoyances) As a parent you demonstrate life to your children by modeling. Think very hard about what you would feel like if your children did this to you. The knee jerk answer will usually be "well, I would never do such and such. And that is true. But as your children will grow into individuals, what bugs and annoys them is likely to be different that what it is to you. And you MAY do those things!Relationships are hard. Teaching our kids to have them is even harder. But,,,IMO....they are truly the only things in this world of any value. So with that in mind, teaching your kids how to preserve them is priceless.
What is difficult and annoying today, may be very different in a few years. What a terrible shame to never have an opportunity to know! Ok, there it is! Love, Debi

[halfadime]

Hi,

Sounds like you have an incredibly sticky situation on your hands, but how do your kids feel about their grandma?

Just as you were once looking for your bmother, they'll probably want to know her when they get older too. I would imagine you've discussed this with your wife? How does she see the situation?

Do you have a pastor or other clergyman you could talk this over with? I mean, I haven't walked a mile in your shoes, but maybe your bmother is trying her best to fit in, and this is a new experience for her too. Her way of trying just might be to attempt to be a Mom or Grandmom by signing the cards like that.

I may be all washed up but I know that some women just can't be all warm and cuddly. They have a hard time being demonstrative with their feelings, and she may be scared of being rejected, just as you are.

She may seem to avoid you because she carries guilt for giving you up and she's afraid you might harbor some anger over that. Or you may look like your Bfather, and she can't bare it. So many reasons.

You're as much a stranger to her as she is to you. I appears that she's at least trying to find a nitch in your family by first making friends with your children.

If you can't bring yourself to telling her in person or on the phone, then yes send her a letter, but be as kind to her as you'd like her to be to you. Don't go burning those bridges you took so long to build. Always leave a way to go back because you just might want to, somewhere down the road.

I only have one question.............. just exactly what do you expect your birthmother to be?

Hope you find a solution.
Carol

[Jackiejdajda]

>There was no “Oprah Moment”, no tears, just this stunned and disappointed look on her face.

I held back when I reunited with my bson. I kept myself emotionally calm and I may have made the wrong impression.
The kids were easier.. Why wouldn't they be.. They are neutral. .
They are the grandbabies..

But I knew I could not take the easy way out and not deal with the prime relationship.. That being me and my son.

If your birth mom is just wanting to know the kids and is sidestepping you I think you have a perfect right to put up a boundary.

Reunion is incredibly difficult IMO.. But I know with all that's in me that the relationship needs to be equal.

It is two adults meeting.. Two adults with very important issues that need to be looked at and validated and honored.
If you think she is not honoring the very person you are you have every right to tell her that you are not willing to be in this kind of situation..

Jackie

[Rowan]

Hi

Perhaps the moment of reunion did not quite turn out to be as you both deep down may have expected or even dreamed, perhaps she hoped you would show more emotion, maybe she does not want to push it with you emotionally or she thinks she will push you away? She may not know where she stands with you personally, because I could not tell from your post where she stands with you exactly - except that you are willing to cut her off.

Perhaps she senses that there is an air of disinterest and distance and irritation about you? Or at least senses that there is something not quite right going on inside you about your adoption, also feeling that your adoptive family were not as she had hoped for you and feels guilt?

Have you ever thought that may be afraid to lose you again, she may even find it difficult to reach through a hard shell that in my opinion you appear to wear, her only way forward may be to at least be a fulfilling, intigrated member of your family and remain as close to you as possible is to comunicate more with the people who are receptive to her, namely your wife and kids etc..?

I do not mean to be unkind to you in any way (you could be perfectly correct in your assumptions about her motives - but it just does not seem to add up at all. the logic is strange).

You seem very detached emotionally from yourself, when I meet other people like that I also emotionally detach myself too. Perhaps your mother is more like you in her reactions that you care to think. If you feel you have been slighted or wronged deep down by being adopted then she also may feel life dealt her a rough time also having to live her life without you, she also may feel guilty and insecure.

What ever you choose to do about her being in your life may be ok for you, but remember! your children and wife know her and may even love her - so you have no right to stop them keeping contact.

One thing I am pretty sure of that she originally wanted a reunion with 'you' not necessarily just your family.

Perhaps, if you really care about all this, you need to dig a bit more deeply and try and communicate with her exclusively about 'you and her' and what 'she and you' really think and feel?

Best of luck in your decisions and future.

R