[colin]

As an adoptee I have a problem with the term "since I gave you up".

What is this really supposed to mean? It doesn't really validate any terms on the adoptees side of things.

It really is okay for any bMOM to use it, because it does describe a self induced loss.

But for others, a third party for instance, to use the term does not give the child a voice. It completely validates the birth mother yet leaves the loss of the child unexpressed.

I am just trying to explain in words an uneasy feeling i have for the child affected inside of me every time i hear that term. Am i wacked for still being 36 years old and still feeling unvalidated here?

Are there are any other adoptees out there who experienced anything similar? Please post

Colin

[Sharon]

Colin,
What words would you prefer?
No, I am not being sarcastic, I am a birthmother who takes the concerns of adoptees seriously, and I would truly like to know. I want to understand adoptees' perspectives, because my son is an adoptee.
I'm sure I've never personally used the term, "Since I gave you up...", because I do not address my son in the first person when posting on this forum. I know he is not here to read my words, so there's not much point in addressing them to him.
However, I MAY at some point have said something like "Since I gave my child up...", or "Since I placed my child for adoption...". It had not occurred to me that this might be offensive to adoptees.
You are under no obligation to explain or clarify WHY this is offensive. If it is, I will avoid it. However, it would help me if you could suggest some alternate phrase that would be less offensive to you. Any suggestions/ insight into what adoptees might be feeling is always welcome and appreciated, as far as I'm concerned.
BTW, I love your thread with your BMom and brother! I'm so happy you've found them.
Best wishes, Sharon

[angela dettloff]

I'm a new comer to this forum.
I'm a bithmother, who contacted her beautiful little angle a year ago. My daughter who will be 18 this year, contacted me on July 6,2003. She thanked me for my choice, told me that she looked just like me, and asked me 4 times about her biological father.
I have 2 other daughters who both talked to her. She told one of them that she would cry because she was adopted. Her parents told her that she was adopted at an early age. Do you think this hurt her? It's sounds that the fact that she was adopted was rubed in her face. How does that feel? I want to better understand what an adoptee and an adopted parent feels. I have LOVED and tought about this little angle every day of her life.

[dkb60]

What terms do you want used? I don't mean to be mean but if you analyze your bmom's every term the fear on her part will be to be so careful to pick her word that she may not tell you her true feelings only because it is easier to talk about other things. She is dealing with as much as you are right now and since you found her (if I remember correctly) in my opinon you need to give her the time to find her words and feelings.
D

[Carol Bird]

There are no other words I can use, except relinquish. I did NOT "place" my daughter in 1954. Nor did my daughter go through an agency or fostering...she went directly to the couple who were adopting her. It was handled by an attorney.

I "gave her up" with great pain and guilt. Fortunately God was smiling on us, and her parents were wonderful, loving people.

Carol

[bajohnson]

Colin,
I too am an adoptee, I've posted on a thread of yours in the past, and I just want to tell you, I guess I don't understand what you are saying, but that doesn't matter. I am interested in what you feel, and like Sharon, want to know more. Different things strike different people in many different ways. Things that cause a reaction in me, may not be understood by others.
To clarify for colin, maybe he's not saying to stop using the phrase, just wondering for himself, why it's causing the reaction. There are a couple different threads going right now that talk about phrases that offend, and I'm not sure that is where colin is going with this. I think he's just investigating phrases and our reactions to them. If I'm all wrong on this colin, sorry, but didn't want readers to get upset thinking that we're limiting their vocab again.
To Angela, I'm an adoptee that was told at 4 or 6 that I was adopted and knew my whole life. It didn't make me feel bad, or different. My folks made me feel "special" about it. I hope your daughter was made to feel special too! I sometimes cried about being adopted and still do and I'm 39! There is a whole plethera of emotions that come with being adopted. Tears may be her way of dealing with some of them. Don't worry, it sounds like you are a very loving 1st Mom.
Hugs to all,
Beth

[dkb60]

the phrase that has always rubbed me the wrong way was "out of all the babies in the world, we picked you." Because for some families adopting that was true as long as it was a girl or had no health problems or fill in the blank.

Adoption is a situation were words seem to hurt whether they are intended to or not. I think the key is being sensitive and looking into your own self to see why things hit you one way or the other.

Carol...I agree with your comment. I used an agency and the word released was drilled into my head. It always reminded me of a wild game catch and release program. They caught me as a young mom with no options and released that baby into a much better habitat. Or so they wanted me to believe.
D.

[bajohnson]

dkb60-
That's so funny that, that phrase would rub you the wrong way. I was told something similar when I was 5 and it made me feel special! It made me feel wanted and loved, and that my folks really had wanted just me! I now know that they really had no choice in the matter, but at the same time, I'm old enough to see what they did have to go through to adopt. Home studies, tests, all that paperwork, and waiting! They must have really wanted a child to do all that! So it was a win-win thing for me. The "picked you special" phrase held me over til I could see all the prep work they'd done to adopt me.
It is funny how phrases can effect one person one way, and another person, another way.
Hugs,
Beth

[Sharon]

I agree with Beth on that one ("out of all the babies, we picked you"). I can see how it would make an adoptee feel cherished and special, and it probably is truly the way many adoptive parents see it. I think it is an appropriate explanation for a very young child, and I hope my son was told something along these lines by his adoptive parents.
A five year old child needs adoption explained in a simple, positive way. If the circumstances of the adoption were less than positive, there is time to explain that when the child is older and can comprehend it. There is no need to burden a young child with the idea that, "Your birthmother couldn't take care of you, and we wanted a child and couldn't have a biological one." Even if that WAS the truth, a five-year-old is not likely to understand it, nor will it make a young adoptee feel very good about the situation.
I agree that adoptees should be told the truth about their adoptions, but I also think this needs to be done in a positive and age-appropriate way. There's nothing wrong with simplifying things so that they are understandable and unthreatening, especially when you are speaking to a very young child. We all do that with our biological children. We don't burden them by explaining adult situations/ emotions that they could not possibly understand. So I see no reason why adoptive parents shouldn't do the same with THEIR children.
"We chose you..." is only a starting point. When the child is a little older, they will begin to wonder, "Why was I there to choose?" and ask more questions. At that point, the adoptive parents can begin to explain adoption in more detail.
I don't object to anything that gives a child a positive self-esteem. It's not about "dismissing" the birthmother... a child that young simply can't understand the complexity of the situation and shouldn't be expected to try.
~ Sharon

[colin]

I may want to clarify my first post so here it is.

Are there are any other adoptees out there who experienced anything similar to the following? Please post.

It REALLY IS OKAY AFOR ANY bMOM to use the following term OR any other terminology she needs to to put into words a complex experience dragged through many time-frames. It does describe a self induced loss very well. I am not attacking nor trying to manipulate terminology.

As an adoptee I have a problem with the term "since I gave you up".

I would like to clarify It REALLY IS OKAY AFOR ANY bMOM TO USE THE TERM. But for others, a third party for instance, to use the term does not give the child a voice. But what is this really supposed to mean? It doesn't really validate any terms on the adoptees side of things. I feel that a third pary using the term does not describe the event with any justice to the childs part of the experience and therefor is incomplete.

It completely validates the birth mother yet leaves the loss of the child unexpressed. I am just trying to explain in words when the reaction occurred for me. Keep in mind, the reaction is what i wish to investigate and discover any adoptee-similarities. The reaction is an uneasy feeling I have for the child affected inside of me MANY TIMES I hear that term yetit may have nothing to do with the term, understand?? It sort of stops me like a wet brick wall. Am i wacked for still being 36 years old and still feeling unvalidated here?

I understand that proposing solutions is a very important step towards solution. But the terminology is a secondary issue next to the mystery or "key to the mystery" i have discovered in my reactions. The reactions are physiologically and emotionally real and i am qualified and have every right to verify their existance (especially here) and feel the need to discover more them.

Beth i wish to thank you for the past assistance you have directly or indirectly given me in other threads and your words are like nourishment here too.

Bmoms, You may already know how indebtted i am for making my present reunion a much smoother, safer place for helping me understand Bmom issues and for helping pull me out of a self-dug hole of ignorance.

It was just that last night i was walled again by the term and i know it is my issue. But i need a little help and insight from other adoptees or any one who can help me understand what i feel to be one of the few (hopefully) remaining prickle bushes in my brain.

Colin

[angela dettloff]

Shron,
I know that my child had a good life, and was told that she was special because she was chosen. She was told about me. Her mother had a picture of me that sat out. My feeling of unsureness
are from conversations between my 16 year old and her. I just wonder if it was such a positive thing why would her mother decide to close an open adoption and not share with her that she had 2 sisters. We became friends while we waited for her birth. This women was in the dilvery room with me.

[dl]

I'm still a little confused by what you're asking. You seem to be saying it is okay for a bmother to use the phrase "since I gave you up". Seems to me that is not what is bothering you. You then say "But for others, a third party for instance, to use the term does not give the child a voice." I don't understand what third party would ever have occasion to say "since I gave you up". Are you questioning if a third party were to say (and I still can't grasp WHY a third party would say it) "since your bmother gave you up"? In this instance, I would definetly prefer "since your bmother placed, relinquished or surrendered". To me, and only my opinion, "gave you up" sounds like "I give up" or "I quit". I personally don't care for any phrase that would give the impression, even unintentionally that a bmother "quit" on her child. Again, JMHO.

Please try to give an example of what third party said this phrase. Maybe if we better understand the context of the conversation it was said in we might be better able to provide some feedback.

[colin]

I wish to offer you my support

Congratulatons on your reunion, has it popped life into a new dimension?

Congratulations on your efforts trying to understand adoptee issues.

I may not be the one to answer your questions but i can tell you that my Aparents told me at a very young age about adoption and answered every question to the fullest. And it still hurt sometimes.

It was tough as a kid with all sorts of challenges and sorting them out was difficult and very connected to how i felt at the time. So good days i'd be okay, but when things got tough everything got tough. I had trouble separating the issues just as i had trouble separating myself from what was not myself.

Colin

[angela dettloff]

colin,
I just can't stop crying, I hear your pain and hurts me to know that my daughter may be feeling the same pain you are. just know that your mother loved you with all her heart and you are in her very thought. I don't think I've ever referred to her as being adopted. God did not mean for me to raise her. I was just the vessel that brought her into the world. I chose LIFE for her.
A big hug from me to you!

[colin]

You have been heard.

Adoptee life is not all grief.

I look at the headstart i got about insights into family life and pregnancy implications. I bring this up as one example of the benefits.

Yes i do feel loved and lucky to have reunited and it has shifted all my afamily relationships into new dimensions. I have much more in common with my aParents and i value every disscussion i have with them. They are very supportive regardless of the many emotional and fear issues they express.

Hang in there angela and lets hear more support for her.

Colin