[KaseyHamnerM.S.]

Hello Friends,

Some of you may have noticed that I have been AWOL lately. Well, I have good reason. I have been on vacation for a month and I recently ended a six year relationship with my boyfriend Warren. So I would like our next topic to be on, you guessed it, adoptees ending relationships.

A little background . . .

Warren (pseudonym) and I were together for many good reasons. He was there for me when I needed him, but later realized that I needed more of an emotional connection and committment from him. I want to be married again someday and he does not. We grew apart and he was unwilling to work on his issues. As an adoptee and psychologist this became unacceptable to me. I am very clear that ending the relationhship was the right thing to do even though it is understandibly painful. I am also very hopeful of my next relationship. I have a lot to offer and I expect a lot as well. We only get one chance at life, and I deserve the best, as do all of you!

So my question is this . . .

I know that many adoptees suffer from self-sabotage, especially in relationships. However, when do you know if it is REALLY over and not a good relationship for you as opposed to just sabotaging a good thing?

Any comments?

Kasey

[Lovemends2]

Hey Kasey!!!

Good to have you back from your nice vacation! Six years is such a long time for a serious relationship with a guy. But enough to know and ask is this person I want to be with for the next 50 years?

Well, how do I know a relationship is over...umm...one time when I had a boyfriend for two years and somehow I knew he and I just drew apart. Christmas season, I stayed up all night with no sleep thinking do I really want to walk on this path with this guy? It just gave me a dark feeling of sadness. So that next morning I called him and told him our relationship is over. He said the same thing to me. I hung up on him and let all the burden go....surprisely all that weight on my shoulders was gone!! I did not shed a tear. I was more focused and more alert.

About a year later, he called me again and wanted me back. I was dating my husband at that time and I said to him "No way and told him to leave me alone!" He got upset and I hung up on him for good!

So Kasey, My point of view on this is like walk away with more wisdom but regretted that I wasted my time with this loser guy!

[KaseyHamnerM.S.]

Thanks for your response. It is a nice feeling knowing you are doing the right thing isn't it?

[Drgnrdr451]

Kasey,

I tend to be one of those people who won't "give up" on a relationship easily, but even a die-hard like me knows when a relationship is past the point of recovery. Most of my relationships were "long term" (more than six months, averaged about two years), compared to most of my friends who only dated a girl for a month or two before moving on.

One thing I've learned (the hard way) is that if two people don't have a lot of common likes and interests at the beginning of any relationship its not going to last, and even then you both have to really want your relationship to work and work at making it work.

Sounds like a lot of work, doesn't it? It isn't if the relationship is truely what you both want. But knowing its over is when it does seem like work.

Hopefully, we both realize its over and can part without hurting each other. If not, then I'll just walk away.

[KaseyHamnerM.S.]

Here, here. I agree with the commality issue. You must have alot in common at the beginning. Warren and I simpy drifted apart. The hard work begins now but I am very hopeful for my next relationship. Keep trucking . . .

[sam_i_am_71801]

I think most people know my story.....about the marriages or what I like to call the "dark" days lol...........my shortest marriage, a whole day......I split the day after the wedding, my longest lasted 2 years.........two years of me thinking......what the hell have I done? Then theres the 3 monther.........and an 8 month........and a 9 month heeee........don't think I will ever get it right and at this point in my life I'm not looking.....havent even been on a date in the last year......my life is less complicated without all the crap that goes along with a relationship........Do I run...........you bet I do.......... Just can't handle it. I am an adoptee.....who yes ......runs from relationships...........cut and dry. My sisters who were not put up for adoption, do the same thing. My youngest sister has been married 5 times too..........she is 28 now. My other sister who is 38, a year younger than me........has been married once........it lasted a whole 3 weeks.....and then there's me I am 39 and single......from looking at the three of us, doing basically the same things when we are in relationships, I don't know if it really has to do with adoption. Our parents are the strongest ancores in our lives.........we are all just happier when we are single. We don't need someone else to complete us......that is probably the key to it all......when we are in relationships they seem to smother us.........treat us more like children instead of partners.........we are all professionals we are all petite.........the way we look also has a lot to do with men treating us as if we need to be taken care of.........but in reality we are the ones who are strong. My sister Diane a year younger than me.......is 4 foot 6 inches........blond hair and blue eyes....cute as a button....just because she is small does not mean she needs or wants to be taken care of.......she will be graduating from law school in the fall.........my other sister is a school teacher.......and then there's me.........I own a corporation.........men work for me......so at this point in my life.........how would or how could I have a healthy relationship? I don't know..........so do I run from relationships because I was adopted or do I run because I just simply choose to? Hummm I just don't know......time will tell all.

My attitude toward relationships has been a combination of self-sabotage, yet at the same time being clingy. I think it has made me a very confused person at times.

But basically for me knowing whether it was really over or just a rough spot was based on whether the problem we were going through was something that I considered tolerable. If it was a tough time but clear that we could work out these differences and we both wanted to, then I would not throw in the towel. However, if it was something where the other person's behavior was not acceptable and I had strong doubts that real change would occur, I would realize it's time to move on, no matter how hard that realization may be.

[MattP]

I've almost never been the one to end a relationship -- they've usually been ended by the other person. It's just a very difficult thing for me to do, even if it's obvious to both of us that the relationship isn't going anywhere. I tend to put up with much more s**t and abuse than most people ever would, so for me, if I have reached a point where I had to end a relationship, that was an awfully good indicator that things had gotten way past the point of salvaging anything positive.

The bigger challenge for me is trusting people and keeping my heart open to them even after they've let me down. If someone mistreats me even slightly or does anything to violate my trust, I feel like I shut down somewhat to protect myself from being hurt. The reality, though, is that everyone will disappoint you eventually, particularly people you're close to. It's very hard for me to forgive people who have hurt me and allow myself to be vulnerable to them again, but the alternative (never being close to anyone) is even scarier.

[KaseyHamnerM.S.]

I firmly believe that it is better to be alone and single than to be in an unhealthy relationship. I like be alone and with somebody. I think that is a good thing. You have to be happy where you are spirtually and emotionally in order to bring something to the relationship table. I have a hard time seeing when it is over. But when I do I feel at peace. I am in pain, no doubt, but I feel peace as well. I am also hopeful for my next love.

[Lovemends2]

Kasey,

You deleted my last post....I wanted to tell you I am sorry if I offended you in any way. I was worried about you. I just wanted you to know that I felt sad for Warren leaving you. I hope he will come to his senses someday later how much he missed and loved you and how you influenced his life and touch his heart with your good example.

[KaseyHamnerM.S.]

You did NOT offend me. I deleted the entire thread (which subsequently deletes all posts attached to it) because I realized that I started a "thread" that was intended to be just a reply to this thread. Keep truckin. No worries.

[KaseyHamnerM.S.]

I would love to hear more discussion on when you know a relationship is over.

[phder]

Well, I've had some doosies (but nothing compared to Sam_I_Am!), and, somehow, I managed to escape (or run) before actually getting to the alter every time (engaged 4 times, married at the moment). Every time it was me (more or less) that ditched, but every time, I think the reasons were valid and it was more a case of trying to please others and being afraid to disappoint them. First one was a mathematician from Greenwich Village, oh, and did I mention, a pathological liar! My college roomate conspired with my family to stage an 'íntervention' where the lies became impossible to hide and boy - what a mess. I was also suffering from depression at the time anyway, which my AParents refused to acknowledge or have treated, so the whole period is a phase I'd rather forget. Second one was more complicated. I loved him, liked him, vice-versa, nice guy, went out for 3 years then got engaged. It became a bit of a distance-relationship when I went to grad school, and I met someone new who seemed more exciting - smarter - more worldly, and I had decided I didn't want children, which my fiance did. Used that as the excuse to break up. I still miss/think about him once in a while and always will wonder if it was a case of just being afraid and running away. I have never met anyone else that I enjoyed simply talking to/being with as much as him. The guy in grad school was number 3. We went out/lived together for 5 years and as I became more confident and independent, he became more abusive. At first emotional, verbal abuse, then when he'd have a little too much to drink, I started to fear physical abuse. One day it happened - he threw me against the wall and hit me. Fortunately, I'd developed some good friends that helped me have the courage to leave. What kept me from leaving sooner was that we were seen by many on the outside as the 'perfect couple', including (I thought) my parents. Only after I left him (about 3 months before the wedding date, with all the plans in place), did they say anything about not liking how he treated me. Thought I'd finally gotten out of the cycle then, and dated a lot of guys of all sorts and felt like I had the sense to know what I needed for me. Found a guy that I really enjoyed being with, had lots in common, both independent professionals and seemed to click together. That lasted about a year until I discovered he was using cocaine (tried to get him to quit - duh), but at least I realized it was a deal-breaker and left without looking back or having any regrets. That brings us up to my marriage, of 15 yrs and still going. Is it perfect? No. A lot of $hit has happened. He's been there. But, he's 17yrs older than I am and in a very different place, not only because of the age but because of the kind of person he has chosen to become. I am beginning to feel very strongly that I need to be with someone I can have fun with. That I deserve that. But that I also owe him for some reason. So, my story continues and I don't know where things will be a year from now. Looks like I still don't have the answer. I am fairly sure that a big part of the reason I haven't left already is fear of upsetting family members, friends etc., so it looks like I still haven't gotten past the 'need to please' thing. But there's more to it. So I guess I am just as interested in the replies to your posts as you are!
cheers to all,

[KaseyHamnerM.S.]

Wow, you have quite a story phder!! I can see you are struggling with whether to stay or leave. You have to be true to yourself. If you are unhappy you have a choice. My ex was considerably older than I as well and it worked for six years but then it stopped working. We have a very amicible split and I am looking foward to my next, and even better, relationship. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[clara]

Kasey,

Without boring you and everyone to death with ins and outs and why and wherefore's of a pathologically misogynistic relationship I was in for 18years, 8 of which was marriage, I can put my knowing it was over down to two things:
- loss of trust and
- loss of interest / emotional / psychological/ physical(in this context this was shattered by a specific event - a general sense of "couldn't care less" became the order of my day.

Once I started living my life without him being the focus, without feeling jealous of who he was with(that was never really there to begin with), not feeling the need to have to tell/share anything of my day or thoughts with him - that's when I knew there wassn't much of anything I wanted to keep together.

In my case, it happened shortly after we married: 9 months later: I fell pregnant due, and I am convinced due only to the fact that I had pigged out on New Years Eve on dope cookies, which the Chef at Caesar's Palace - where I worked as Marketing and Membership Manager - had threatened to bake and actually did bake them ...
I hadn't taken his threat seriously at all!!!! Working the entire evening , I had no time to eat and by 1am was starving.... figured only later what I had fallen "victim" too - really funny the way it happened tho'- anyway by mid Jan I was pregnant, ( cannot recall the event for love or money LOL - by the 1st wedding anniversary, hubby-dearest, was pararding a university student to all his friends (one in a long line of them) - one thing led to another and that was it for me:but I was about to have a baby....

It took me eight years to leave: tried to convince myself some kind of life with my daughter's father would be better than her living with split parents: he was the one in the end who asked me how long it would take me to move out as he and his new girlfriend had already decided how they were going to redo the apartment once she moved in.... that was one humiliation too many.. for the me that was.

Were I then, the me I am now - he'd have seen the other side of my driveway on the very first date!!!!!!!!!!!!

The lesson of a relationship that has the seeds to last a lifetime for me, is that a loving meaningful partnership is based on a deep-rooted friendship and respect for one another. I cannot imagine a day now without my real husband and partner and this September it will be our 4th Anniversary.

The emotional fabric of these two relationships are such, that when I look at them, it is clear that those 18 years had nothing at all to do with love...

We live to learn...

all the best Kasey