[tlee70]

I have a question for adoptees and birthparents. I would like to get an idea of who "sought" who in the quest of reunion. I am an adoptee that has found both my birthparents over the last 12 years and I was just curious at the percentages of birthparents vs birthchildren that search.

I have been struggling lately with my feelings of being "wanted". I think part of this is because neither of my bparents went looking for me. My bmom definately did not want to be found, but my bfather is very happy that I found him. Although our (mine and my father's) relationship is heading in the right direction, I still feel some insecurities that he may be forming this relationship out of obligation or some sense of guilt. There have been a few times where statements have been made by him, in passing that breeds my insecurities about whether he really cared about me, wondered about me, worried or even wanted to see me ....etc.

I know that he cares for me now, but somehow I guess I feel a little dissappointed at my lack of "importance" in his life before I sought him out. Does this make sense???

I'm very interested to hear both adoptee's and bparents perspectives on my question regarding being sought out or searching for your biofamily.

Tlee

[shirleyville]

I am a 38 year old female adoptee, and I was the "searcher". I located my birthmom last January thru the use of a state-appointed CI, and my birthmother most definitely was not receptive to being "found".
Hugs,
Sally

[Drgnrdr451]

I didn't know I was adopted until my bsister told me two months ago.

[patrisha]

I am a birth mother whose son search and found me when he was 32. I had made my information available when he was about 19 to 22. I hadn't recently updated, as I figured if he was interested I would have already been contacted.

Many birth parents feel this is a decision which must be made by the adoptee. They have no wish to interfere with their childs life uninvited.

Adult adoptee/birthparent reunions take time and patience and few will ever truly re-bond as parent and child. Let your new relationship bloom naturally without over analyzing it.

Good Luck and quit fretting!

Trish

[IWonderYou]

I am a searcher, but have not located my bmom yet.

In terms of people not searching or being receptive once found, I think that for many people the "birth child" is a painful reminder of choices/mistakes made in the past.

Sometimes in an effort to cope, people rewrite, justify or completely block memories surrounding painful/uncomfortable events and when "we" show up they are forced to face the truth/reality of it all. The deeper someone is buried in denial, the more negative the reaction may be. And it is human nature to place the blame on the person who brought them face to face with themselves, instead of taking responsibility for their own choices and behavior. Some people will go to great lengths to avoid confronting themselves/taking responsibility-even if it results in the emotional or physical harm of others. Some would even rather take their own lives than face the "truth".

I can understand not wanting to admit to yourself, much less others, that you've been a jerk, lied, made a mistake, royally f*** up, etc. But we are all so very human and cannot help but make a mess of things now and then. I guess I have never understood the extreme's to which someone will go in order to preserve their own reality - especially when it is easier in the long run to acknowledge it, take responsibility for it, accept the consequences and move the hell on down the road!

But then, what do I know?!

I guess the best way I have found to deal with this sort of thing (although easier said than done), is to accept that it is a reflection on them and not me, and try to let it go.


IWonderYou

[lemonchutney]

My bmother found me and then she helped me search for my bfather. The search for bfather was easy because she knew his name and because he's world reknowned in his field, and therefore his name is all over the Internet....!

A couple years before my bmother found me, my mom showed me some non-id info she had stored away. (Turns out my aparents had lied all those years they said they knew nothing--grrr.) Anyway, the bit of non-id info really piqued my interest, so I know that if my bmother hadn't found me first, I would have eventually become a searcher, especially with the advent of the Internet.

LC

PS: I really like Trish's advice: Let your new relationship bloom naturally without over analyzing it. I am going to try to apply this advice with my half bsister who is gradually becoming my friend (I hope).

[Lovemends2]

tlee

I found my birth father in August of 2001. He passed away in 1985. I visited his grave. Then in Septmber 2001 I met birth father's extended family.

Two weeks later I found birth mother through her brother's death record. My birth mother was shocked and happy and curious about me. Two months later she threatened me to stay away from her and her family.

So I have no birth parents....only adoptive parents.

My adoptive mom sends me e-mail pictures of precious moments showing she loves me....she knows everything what happened between me and birth mother. I dont know what I would do if she dies. Then I would really have no family left for me. My adoptive parents are in their 70's. My birth mother is 50.

Lovemends2

[arocco]

I am an adoptee who searched for my birth parents. I found my Bmom by using the NJ phone directory, Bmom's name was an un-common last name. Our reunion was great, but only lasted 3 years before she passed away suddenly. I am grateful for the short time we had together and miss her terribly. After searching for my Bfather I found reference to him after his death, I never met him.

Anthony

[CherryV]

I'm an adoptee and I did the finding. My nMum was happy to hear from me but hadn't searched. My nDad had looked and signed up to a registry but didn't even know my name would have changed so he didn't have much of a chance.

[debsdone]

I am an adoptee, and the searcher. I have located birthmother and her family, and I continue to search for my birthfather, as well as a brother birthmother gave up about 6 years before me! Love, Debi

[bajohnson]

Hi,
I am an adoptee who is searching for any birthfamily. I went through the doctor that delivered me, and he forwarded a letter to my birthmom in 1989. At that time she didn't want contact, hadn't told her current husband or children 3-6 about me. I've recently(april)sent another letter throught a "helper". She hasn't responded to this one yet. On my adoption paper work, the birthfather denied paternity, so I don't know if there is any way I can ever find out who he is. Any suggestions?
Would love to know the stats on this when you are done.
Beth

[bowlx2x]

my mom is an adoptee that is searching. she is only interested in finding her siblings. although she may have to find her birth mother in order to find siblings.

[tlee70]

Thanks everyone for responding to this poll, it seems like most times the adoptee's are doing the searching. Or maybe we haven't heard from any birthparents yet??

tlee

[CherryV]

This is the adoptee board so won't be that many bparents regularly reading. Maybe you should post on one of the general boards?

[VirginiaStegall]

I will speak for the Birthmothers. It was Oct of 2002 that I discovered this website and registered. I want to be available if my Birthdaugher is looking for me. I believe it should be her choice if she wants to find me and I would feel honored if she did.
She was 32 on Jun 10th.
Virginia