[dkb60]

I was found. As a birthmother I would have never searched. I felt that was not my place. I did try to update medical information a few years ago and could not get that to happen through the agency.
D

[maureen salamon]

Tlee, you're doing a lot of polls. Are you writing a book or something or are you just curious? It is an interesting topic.

I am an adoptee and I did the searching, although my bmom said she had wanted to search but didn't feel it was her place. She had actually looked at many of the online registries after the advent of the Internet looking to see if I registered on any, but I hadn't.

I was glad to be the searcher, anyway; I felt like I had more control over the situation and was ready for the results. My a-sister was found by her birthparents eight years ago -- she was not ready in the least to be found and at the time I was appalled that these parents could come out of the woodwork and find her! Shows how your attitude can change with time and maturity -- obviously, I changed my mind.

Tell us how your results turn out!

[Ellie-michelle]

tlee70,

good poll question!

I searched a very, very long time for my b-father and have been reunited nearly 5 months now.

He never searched for me, but has told me from the begining that it was his dream come true that I found him. Its only now, after we have discussed our feelings about our 'relationship' and spent time with each other, that I truly believe he loves me.

I do have difficulty in coming to terms with the fact that he never searched for me, I feel angry at times and that is something that we will talk about - when I'm ready.

But all said and done, I wouldn't change the past 5 months for the world! All that searching was definitely worth it.

Ellie

[tlee70]

hello everyone

Just to answer your question Maureen, No I'm not writing a book (well, I may one day *lol*). When I am surfing these boards, sometimes I have a question that I would like to ask fellow adoptee's and bparents, just to get a feel for where everyone else's perspectives are.

I hadn't really thought about tallying the results but since a few have requested it, I will make sure to post the results when then thread has died.

The questions that I have been asking lately have been very basic, but are often not asked. Maybe people assume ??? and you know what they say about assuming

I know from an adoptee's perspective, that I wonder why my bparents did not go looking for me when I see so many other bparents looking on this forum. At first I was a little hurt by this fact, thinking that I was so insignificant in their lives that they wouldn't care enough to search. When I pose the question for everyone, it sheds light on all sides of the question. These types of questions can bring awareness and knowledge to all sides of the triad.

Thanks for everyone's responses so far, I hope everyone is enlightened by this poll

tlee

[Seeking_Answers]

I was the one to contact my birthfather.

Something i wish wasn't the case. I wish HE had contacted me (although he says that it had to come from me as he had not right to interfere in my life). I would know in my heart and soul and without a doubt that he WANTED me if he had been the one to contact me.

Maybe petty but an insecurity which is real to me.

[BobbyTC]

Seeking/Tlee and Ellie,
I can understand how "being found" would be more reassuring than "finding" but I think most birthparents would feel that they are "invading" if they do the search. I am a birth father in reunion with my 22 year old daughter. I honestly felt that when I signed the adoptin papers, I gave up any right to be in this child's life. I just always hoped and prayed that I did the right thing and that she was having a happy life. I didn't have to find her, I knew where she was...I just couldn't approach her or at least that's how I felt. What I did do though was make sure she knew (through other people) that I was interested in knowing her. I waited 2 years from that point but she finally contacted me. It's going well now and we are getting to know each other.

Bobby

[VirginiaStegall]

Bobby:
So happy that you found your daughter.
It is good to see that many of the birthparents feel the way I do.
I do not want to discourage anyone for searching or come across as if I think it should be one way. I believe it should be the right of everyone to search.
I do enjoy reading the post and if I tried to read them all I would be on this computer 8 hrs a day. I'm so happy for everyone who found their love ones.
I will continue trying.

[atlbravz]

I would have to put a point for both sides on this poll. About the time I was starting my search my dad "warned" me "don't be surprised if your birth mother tries to contact you." I was like, "oh dad, that's not going to happen." Well, little did I know that he knew something I didn't...he had heard that my birth mother was getting ready to contact me. Long story short she could not legally contact me until I was 18 and the whole time I was growing up she (birth mom) had been in contact with my grandmother and my aunt so she knew exactly where I was my whole life! She'd seen pictures of me growing up, etc. How unfair was this!!!????? Anyway, I guess it was just coincidence that this happened almost within the same week, us searching the other out...I actually had been to the library and had books in my trunk about how to find a birth parent!

[lemonchutney]

I agree that it's within the rights of a bparent to search, but I think the bparent should prepare themselves for the possible consequence that she will be resented for taking away what many believe should be the sole right and decision of the adoptee: To search. In other words, yes, it's your right, but you very well might be jeopardizing your chances for a positive reunion.

LC

[Ellie-michelle]

BobbyTC

Thanks for sharing your experience. On talking to my father he has also said that he didnt search for me for exactly the same reasons you have mentioned, although he didnt know where i was, he felt that he too would be 'invading' my life.

This was a still is quite hard to accept, as it feels like I wasn't 'good enough' to go searching for or that he just 'didnt care'

I do know that he loves me and that it will take time to build our relationship. Its SO hard though!!!!

I'm so glad for you that its going well with your daughter, I search for a very long time for my father and all that searching and drain of emotions was worth every second, the moment we met. I wouln't change a thing.

Ellie x

[snuffie]

I am an adoptee. I did the searching.

[Carol Bird]

One of the most difficult issues birthparents have to deal with is the deep concern that our searching will disrupt our birth daughter's or son's life.

Most practice caution. When my daughter turned 21 in Feb. 1975, there wasn't much of a reunion movement nor were there many capable support groups. The INternational Soundex Reunion Registry(aka: ISRR) was just in its infancy and national groups like A.L.M.A (Adoptee Liberty Movement Association) and Yesterday's Children were in the toddler stages.

I joined ALMA and listed on the ISRR and sent release of information letters to the attorney, Doctor and hospital.

Then I waited! I had no idea who adopted my baby or where they lived, or if she even knew she was adopted. Much as I longed to know her and to hold her in my arms once again, I didn't feel it would be fair to her or her family for me to barge in uninvited.

As it was, I waited eleven more years ... my daughter was 32 and had just given birth to a daughter, herself, five months previously, when she contacted ISRR and found me in Dec. 1986.

Needless to say, that was the HAPPIEST day of my life, and these past 17 years in reunion -- even the difficult times -- are the happiest years of my life.

Hugs (and good luck Searchers)
Carol

[vicrose]

tlee...I am an adoptee and I did the searching...much to my dismay, my birthmother does not want any contact...although, I have seen some posts here where the adoptees have found they're birthfather's...HOW???? The next step for me is obviously to find my birthfather...but without my birthmother's help...HOW???? All I have ever wanted is for someone from my biological family to acknowledge me...and if they can't do that for me..at least provide me with medical info...soooooo, any suggestion anyone on how to search for birthfather with NO info???!!! Hugs, Brenda

[tlee70]

HI Vicrose

I actually found my bdad about 4months ago, but it wasn't easy. I had wanted to find him since I was reunited with my bmother 11 years ago, but she was really any help. She did tell me what his name was and his profession. I would never have been able to find him normally due to the commonality of his name and the fact that his job has alot of confidentiality surrounding it.
Do you know your bfather's name ?? If you do that is a great beginning. What I did was do an internet search within the area that I thought he lived in. I keyed in his name and tried to find webpages that had similiar information to what I was given.
I was VERY lucky. I found him within a few days of searching, but I never would have be able to do it without the internet.
I understand how you feel about the acknowledgment, I have felt like that too. My bmother never was able to do that, and didn't even really provide me with any significant medical information. I am actually considering sending her parents a letter, but I'm not sure if I should intrude.
I can honestly say that finding my bdad was the best thing I could have done. Our reunion has made me a bit of an emotional mess, but it is worth it!

tlee

[Duchie]

Actually for me it was both.

My birthfamily had been searching for about 5 years and not sure what direction to take in their search. I started searching in October, 2000 and in 2-1/2 days I was on the phone with them.

It was very mutual.

Now my son is adopted (14 years old) and all we have to do is contact the agency because both sides have signed consent forms to meet.

Duchie