[stacyede]

I didn't know where else to post this, so please forgive me if this is the wrong place.

I need a bit of advice. My husband (34) was adopted as a baby. He rarely brings it up, but I know it is a source of confusion and frustration for him. He has fits of anger sometime, and I think these likely stem from being adopted. He has mentioned maybe wanting to find his birth family before, but doesn't want to hurt his parents. His parents say they would support him 100%, but then some of their actions and things they say send a different signal. I want to help my husband and truly beleive if he did find his birth parents, or at least found out more about them, it would help him. But at the same time, I don't want to force the issue, as it isn't my decision to make. Any suggestions?

[debsdone]

Personally, I would suggest that you TOTALLY leave it alone. It is a very personal thing. To assign his "fits of anger" to his adoption is quite possibly a mistake. I wouldn't ASSUME anything! Suggest therapy, anger management, but do not mention adoption. For myself, I find the notion extremely insulting. My husband had "fits" like yours and went to a series of anger management classes. This was at the suggestion of our therapist. They REALLY helped him, He is not adopted, I am. Love, Debi

[stacyede]

I didn't mean to offend anyone. Nor do I want to cause any hurt feelings ....here or in my family. That is part of the problem ...after being with my husband for the past few years, I sense HE is hurting, and I want to help, certainly not make things worse. He has brought up the thought of looking or finding out more about his background before, but drops it quickly because he doesn't want to hurt is parents. It hurts me to see him holding back and it causing pain so deep. I know I am not an adoptee and can't comprehend the feelings that would bring about, but I know my husband and can see how it has affected him. I don't bring it up, but I thought that may be part of his hesitation. I thought perhaps maybe I SHOULD bring it up ...just to give him a chance to let him know I am here for him and am willing to help. But perhaps I am wrong. That is why I came here for advice first. Again, I apologize. Perhaps you are right and this should stay hidden deep inside. I don't like that option, but I want what is best for my husband.

[debsdone]

Men are often funny about the subject. While I HATE ANYTHING that stays hidden deep inside, I also believe we have to honor one another and the time we need to get to our "hidden" stuff. Prior to being ready, there will be no recognition of it being hidden. My interest in finding my "roots" was done on my own time, at 46 years old. I got my non ID 10 years earlier, and that was enough for those years. My brother, 42, has never searched, nor has he spoken about it. I have supplied him with what is needed to get non ID.
With MY husband, I am much pushier. NOT A GOOD THING, lol. I would probably speak from my personal point of view and say how much I would like to know, if it were me. I am currently "helping" my husband locate a child of his that he never knew about. That means I am either doing everything, or telling him EXACTLY what to do! But we have been married a long time and it is an accepted fact that he defers to me re: emotional issues and child rearing.My hubby suffered much abuse as a child. I took a mid life crisis and tons of therapy, ending in anger management, for him to get in touch with it all. It wasn't till I met his sister that I even KNEW. He always claimed to have had a great childhood. Being from another country, it was hard for me to know any different. But, despite the pain it all caused, it had to be HIS way as it was HIS story. I was careful not to assign any personality traits to the abuse, or anything else, as yet undiscovered! Good Luck! Love, Debi

[tarossiter]

I think you SHOULD consult your husband. I mean isn't that what marriage is all about? Trust and share every part of each other. Good or bad. I think that you should go with your heart!! Only you know what your hubands needs are. Besides, he may have siblings out there despret to find him. Good luck with your decision. Hugs Tiffany

[patrisha]

stacyede ~

You didn't mention how long you've been married and as someone previously noted time can determine the interference you can get away with in marriage.

I do know if my husband is talking to me about something that bothers him at all, he's thinking about it even more. However, men are very protective of their mothers, and if his mom is sending a "go ahead, I understand, but I'll still be hurt" message then his feelings would be conflicted. I imagine if you do encourage a search you may not get brownie points with your in-laws either.

Maybe the next time he brings the subject up (or you do in a way that makes him think he did), you could tell him about this forum where many adoptees and birth parents discuss their issues and experiences confidentially in cyber land. You can't push him though, the search and reunion MUST be 100% his idea. It can get to be too rocky of a road and you won't want to be blamed later for "getting him into this".

Best of Luck
Trish

[debsdone]

Ditto what Trish said! think of the scene in "My big fat Greek Wedding" where the women get the husband to believe it was HIS idea for the daughter to work at the Travel Agency! Classic! LOL Love, Debi

(side note, one of the guys who produced that is my husband's client, what a bit of luck taking on THAT project!! Perhaps a bit of that luck will rub off...????? LOL At least we got a copy of the DVD!)

[vicrose]

Hi!!! I can remember when I told my husband that this was it...I finally had to get this search for my birthfamily underway...he said you know what..I've waited years to hear that for you...he knew that I had always wanted to search, but he gave me enough room to make the decision when to do it on my own....because searches are such a very personal thing...it is truly raw emotion!!! I would let your husband initiate the search on his own.....it has to be that way, and if he asks for help..then assist..but don't do anything without asking...because I'm telling you, this is a VERY emotional issue!!! As far as his temper tantrums....I wouldn't confuse bad behavior with temper tantrums...because I had an ex-husband that was a wife abuser...and whenever the wind would blow, it would send him into a rage against me....and he was not adopted at all! Sincerely, Brenda....

[Sharon]

I really feel that your husband's search for his birthfamily must be his choice... otherwise it's likely to make the situation worse rather than better. You must decide whether his anger is something you wish to put up with for the rest of your life. You can hope he will change, but you cannot assume he ever will. You can't control him, only yourself. You must decide if his temper is something you can live with. You must accept that it is part of him, now and possibly forever. There is nothing you can do to change it. Only he can change it, if and when he's ready... and he may never be ready. If your husband's behaviour is abusive in any way, either physically or emotionally, I urge you to find a way to remove yourself from the situation, because again: you can not assume he will ever change, whether or not he finds his birthfamily.
I wish you the best of luck.
~ Sharon

[stacyede]

My husband and I have been married for going on 5 years. We are both very happy together ...he is not even remotely a wife beater ...his temper is bad sometimes, but he calms down as quickly as he flares up. I wasn't going to approach him tonight as say "So, hon ...about your birth family ...lets say we try & look them up. What do ya think?" I guess the real answer is, I am the only one that knows my husband well enough to know what to do. I was definately not saying every person with anger issues is angry because they were adopted, or because they were abused, or anything else! So people are just angry ...no excuses. But the reasons my husband get angry and the way he reacts to certain situations, and comments he has made about being adopted tell me FOR HIM this is part of his anger issues. Its not the whole reason ...but I am confident for him it is a contributing factor. The main question I had is whether I should continue waiting for him to decide to search on his own, or if some very gentle nudges (at the right time) would be ok or even helpful? I certainly don't want to push the subject, but I want to find a way to let him know I am 100% supportive and willing to help. For instance, the person who responded saying when she finally decided to look, her husband said he had be waiting for this (if you are reading this), who you have looked sooner had he given you an idea he was backing you? Would it have changed anything if he said he was there to help? Like I said before, I really don't want to offend anyone, and I hope I haven't. I just want to help my husband if I can.

[lucadebrasi]

Being a husband AND an adoptee, I know this situation very well. I can tell you that I would get somewhat defensive and up in arms about the topic if my wife mentioned mentioned something about it. She took note of this, and really didn't mention it all until I brought it up about 4 years later. We had our first child back in March, and I believe this life-changing event is what help kindle my current search. I have been knee-deep in searching now for the past 4 weeks, and I when I brought it up to my wife, she was extremely excited for me.

So, from all that, my advice would be to let him plan his own course of action. I know I'm not too knowledgeable of your situation, and I know the hardest thing to do in all of this will be to sit back and wait for action, but it may be the most logical solution. Maybe just keep an eye out for the opportunity and offer a suggestion of support, but this is definitely something he should initiate. It's a highly-sensitive topic for me, as I am sure it is for most adoptees. It's the type of subject that requires a very specific choice of words combined with just the right environment. I hope this helps a little.

jb

[vicrose]

To answer you honestly about 'would I of looked sooner"...No, because I had to come to a place in my life where I was comfortable with the fact that not all birthmothers want to be found....and I had to be at a place where I was completely stable..I have children..have been married for awhile and so when my birthmom rejected the notion of having contact with me..yes, I was hurt...but I had my family, and I knew I was going to be o.k.....but my situation is unique...not all birthmother's reject they're children....but emotionally a person has to be prepared for this...and if your husband has ANY abandonment issues...this might have to be considered before any search takes place....because things like this can be emotionally draining to a person!!!! Just be there for him as you always have...don't even nudge him...when he's ready...he will say so!!! God Bless You for being such a caring wife to him!!! Hugs, Brenda....

[stacyede]

Sorry for the delay in responding. We were gone for the holiday visiting my husband's family. That actually was a good thing ...some things happened that helped me understand my husband a little better.

My husband's relationship with his mother has always been strained. They had a blow-out this weekend, which led her to tell me she feels their relationship has been strained since he was a teenager and she came home one day and found him watching an Oprah show about adopted children. She got upset and asked him if he thought he should be watching that. She even indicated she regretted telling her children they were adopted (they've know from a small child on). She claims ever since wathcing that episode he has been different and it is because he resents her because he is angry at his birth mother for giving him up. That may have a liitle merit to it, but she is also a very controlling and opinionated person, which I feel is just as big if not bigger issue.

Anyhow, I used this as a chance to ask her how she would feel then if he decided one day to search for his birth parents. She said she would be very hurt, but would try to help. This gave me a bit if insight as to why he is hesitant to search. He has said before he doesn't want to search because he doesn't want to hurt his parents. I guess he knew they didn't like the idea.

The rift that expanded between his parents, namely his mother wasn't a good thing, but it at least provided two things ...one was a better understanding for me (without having to bring it up myself), and also it led to my husband agreeing to counseling or an anger management program. That is a good step, I think. Like I've said before, he is a great guy ...and I am really glad he has agreed to make steps help him become an even better, happier person. Thank you to everyone here for there help and comments.

[darkknight]

While it may not be the main factor, his adopted status may be playing a part in his reactions.
I am a married man (currently seperated but we are working on it) who is also an adoptee. I would tell everyone I was adopted and halfheartedly search the registries on my birthday but not much else. When my wife and I went to our first therapy session, I spent half the time talking about adoption. The therapist looked at me and said "so this really bothers you then?" I was so blown away, I didn't realize it was bothering me at all. She recommended I do some research on my own and she would as well. I'm now seeing her on my own and we discuss adoption and my 3 year old son (which could be my twin when I was his age and my only blood relative, talk about having a reminder stare you in the face.)
Bottom line is, he may open up but not all therapists will understand his need.
I just finished a great book by Joe Soll called Adoption Healing which I highly recommend. It has chapters for adoptees, birth parents, adoptive parents, and therapists. When I finished it I gave it to my therapist to read. It may have some info and trends that you may see in your husband, like I did in me and my sister (who is also adopted.) I ma one of the lucky ones, in that my adoptive family is doing anything to help me in my search. As my mom says "We're curious too." Getting his mom to understand will not be easy but after reading this book, you might have a better understanding of what both of them are going through.

ps I do not get any royalties from this book, I just though it was real good