[Simom]

I am glad I never saw this forum prior to making the decision to adopt. I would not have a wonderful son. Call me niave and selfish, but I never thought so many felt such a need to know their birthmoms.
It breaks my heart to think I cannot be the only Mom to my son. I do not want to share this title with anyone else in his life not at age 8 and not at age 28. It is so sad to think that somehow all my love him may not be enough.

[debsi]

I'm 44 searching only now for my bio father - very curious. He will never replace my dad who raised me ever -- He gave me the kind of life that was blessed and never treated me as anything but his very own! He's never even asked my mom about who my bio father was -- didn't matter -- I was his.

I'm sure your little one may be curious someday -- but the LOVE -- that comes from you will be the most SPECIAL -- My bio father will never share the title of "DAD" or "DADDY" because he wasn't. So I'm sure your little one will probably feel the same -- I can tell you love him very very much -- May God bless you and your family and your special little one -- the one who will give you and only you the title of "MOM"

[bajohnson]

Simom,
Rest assured! Most of the adoptees on this site love their adoptive parents and only use that terminology here. I never use the words adoptive, to describe my Mom and Dad. I am not here looking for replacements. I love my folks. I'm here to find out where my roots are. Why do I look like I look. It is a natural curiosity. Your son may look someday, but don't worry, it's really hard to explain, but he won't be running from you, he'll just be looking for his roots, the beginning to the story that you and his father are writing now. Congratulations, and don't worry, he will love you and you are his Mommy.
B

[shirleyville]

Simom,
I just wanted to say that by taking the time to research the issues of adoption, you are doing a wonderful thing for your son. The parents who never educate themselves -- who aren't aware that there can or will be issues that will arise, are doing themselves and their children a disservice.
It is a totally natural occurance to want to know your "history". I will tell you, from the perspective of an adult adoptee, whose parents never acknowledged that I even HAD birthparents, I always felt like I just somehow dropped out of the sky, into the waiting arms of my parents. Like I was just some how "manifested" -- never BORN. For those who seek answers, it can be a terribly disjointed feeling to live your life never knowing where you came from.
If you refuse to acknowldge your son's birthfamily -- as if they don't exist -- or you appear uncomfortable fielding his questions, you may send the message to him that there is something "wrong" with where he came from....thus sending the message that there is something wrong with him . Loving unconditionally, which I am sure you do, means loving ALL of him, and part of that is his birthmother and birthfather. The greatest gift you can give him, as his mother, is openness and acceptance of this part of his life.
My parents are wonderful people....I was raised with all the love in the world, and many advantages I would never have had, had I been raised by my birthfamily......I wouldn't trade my parents for anything in the world, but that doesn't mean I don't want a realtionship with my birthmom, siblings and extended birthfamily. It isn't any different than wanting to enhance my life with other friends, or people with whom I have a strong connection.
Loving my parents with every fiber of my being doesn't mean that I don't want to know who I look like, who I get my traits from, my medical history, and my ethnic heritage.
Please don't worry about "sharing him".....you're his MOM.....no one can replace that.
Hugs,
Sally

[Free_to_be_me]

I'm a birthmom in an open adoption. I just saw my birthdaughter last weekend. She is 8 years old right now and we have had a fully disclosed adoption since she was born.

Even though she has known me all her life and known who I am, I have never and will never be "Mom". I am a person who is really important to her, though. She sees me as someone very special. I am an adult who comes to visit her and treats her like she is the greatest person on earth. She loves when I come to visit, but she knows it is to visit, not to stay and take over as parent.

One of the reasons that openness has been important to me is so I am able to answer questions that my birthdaughter has. She has asked a lot of them. She once asked me to tell her about when she was born. I was able to give her details that her parents just couldn't know. Another time she asked what would have happened to her if I couldn't have found someone to take care of her. After a pretty lengthy conversation, I realized that she was really asking if I placed her for adoption because I didn't want her and was trying to sort through feelings of rejection. Being able to tell her that I chose her parents because I really liked them and I thought they would do an awesome job and because I just wasn't old enough or ready to do a good job of parenting made her feel much more secure and more loved by both me and her parents.

My birthdaughter's birthfather is not involved at all. He cut off contact when she was still a baby. This causes some stress for her. She can't understand why he doesn't call or visit. Since she was just able to talk she has asked about him. That doesn't mean that she loves her dad less, it means that she wonders why her birthfather doesn't love her more. I'm able to tell her the things that he said to me, but she really just wants to hear them from him. It really frustrates me and her parents that we can't give that to her.

I guess my whole point is that when kids have contact with their birthparents, it isn't to make up for love that is lacking from their parents but instead to add love from one more place. Who can have too much love?

[blkmarketbaby57]

I am searching for my BirthParents. I am 46 yrs old and have been searching for many years. I was a Black Market Baby, I was sold for $300.00 outside Methodist Hospital in Indianapolis, IN, 3 days after I was born. My Mother was underage and my Father was a Corporal in the Marines at the time of my birth. Not sure if he knows that I exist, but sure hope so. I have been diagnosed with Lupus SLE and I need some medical information as well as satisfing my curiousity. I want to know who I look like and something about my heritage. Please help me search, it will be greatly appreciated. Please email with any questions you might have. Lost Adoptee, Pam Morgan, Roachdale, IN

[blkmarketbaby57]

I am an adoptee and I know from experience that your Adopted Parents are always your parents no matter what. Just always be honest with your child and there will be no resentment towards you for holding back information. It is natural to ask questions about your background, Don't let these letters scare you. YOU ARE MOM

[Pandora]

Simom

It is not selfish or naive as was said earlier to love your child so much, but your child is not a possession, he is a human being who was given to you to cherish, love and care for in the best way possible.

His Bmother had him first and entrusted him to you and she has done without him in her life so he could have that better life with you, she put her herself aside for him , therefore you and he have got the best of it and the benefit.

Part of your job of being an Adoptive parent is to bring your Adopted child up being as comfortable with his adoption as possible and that there be as few nasty shocks involved as possible.

If you are going to be jealous of the possiblity of sharing him for a little time, with his bparents 'if ' the time should come, and make it difficult for him, just because he wishes to seek answers and needs to know for his own sake who they are etc - then you will cause him pain and turmoil. You may even push him away further.

A true mother puts her own feelings aside for the sake of her child's welfare. You are your child's mother and nothing can change that, his bparents would be a secondary type relationship - that is even IF he decides to look for them.

I wish you all the best on your path of learning and growing.

Pandora

[sam_i_am_71801]

I am an adoptee reunited with my birth family.
Let me tell a little bit about my history.
I was placed for adoption at birth. Was adopted into a wonderful family at 13 months. My first adopted mother "who is forever in my heart, mind and soul" passed away of breast cancer when I was 5 years old. Although me and my brother only had a short time with her we rememeber those years filled with love, warmth, and sence of family. When she passed away our adopted dad sort of lost it and was unable to care for us. He has passed away also. We were then passed around to who ever would have us for 3 years. We were readopted when I was 8. During our formative years we bonded with our first family and to us they will always be mom and dad. The love that grew there runs through our veins just as our birth families blood does. The love that will continue to grow with you and your child is no different.
Seeking out a birth parent shouldn't be a threat to you, as you are the one who is there for your child, he is forever yours and you are forever his. You belong to one another. The most important thing that you can express to your child "other than love and kindness" is a sence of belonging....... If one day he should choose to search, "for what ever reason" be there for him, walk by his side, and trust me, he will be there by your side...........forever. He will always belong to you. Huggs......sam

[ballet_slippers]

Maybe I am feeling very vunerable and my emotions are right out there today, but jeeze that smarts, what do you mean you dont want to "share" your child, This is a human being we are talking about not a possession. Has it occured to you that the firstmother/birthmother whatever you want to call her "shared" her child with you????

[ballet_slippers]

Sorry my post came off sounding harsh, lack of sleep I guess.
A child is not a shared thing, it is a child, a human being. One mother gave birth one mother is raising him, they both have a part in his life, whether you like it or not your child has two different backgrounds, one he knows the other he may feel curious about, my hope is that you will allow him his curiousity

[debsdone]

Simom,

I am glad you are getting your feeling out into the open here. that is sometimes all it takes to sort through them. I sometimes hear something I say, and while it made perfect sense inside my head, it sounds bad outside my head, LOL Anyways, it helps.
Perhaps you could look at things in another way? Imagine a child believing that his mother had another child because he simply wasn't enough! Obviously that isn't true, right? Well, believe it or not, it is the exact same thing! same as understanding your children will marry one day and have children of their own. and while those precious grandchildren will mean so much to you, your child's spouse will have parents who will be EQUAL grandparents to those kids! (That is why I have instructed my boys to only marry orphans. My girls I trust to allow me the position of #1 grandma! LOL) I think you get my drift! Love,

[ballet_slippers]

What a fantastic way to look at it, grandparents have to share, so why cant we?

[radiodoll]

Simom -

You are a clearly a loving, conscientious MOM. So is MY Mom. I adore my Mom. I went to hell and back and my Mom was ALWAYS THERE FOR ME UNCONDITIONALLY. Although I am still sure that during the rought imes she thought "who stole my beautiful sweet daughter and replaced her with Linda Blair?" LOL

We are good friends now. I am 47 and she is 75. I decided to start my search for my first mother, the one who gave me life, this year in order to complete some theraputic "self" recognition work I feel COMPELLED to do in order to continue the growth I have been trying to achieve.

I waited many years to begin the search because I didn't want to disturb the adult relationship that has grown so dear to me. When I felt the timing was right, I went to them and asked them how they felt and explained to them my thoughts on it all.

They said if THET had been adopted, THEY probably would want to know the things I want to know too. They have signed waivers for me with the courts and have poured over the non-id infor I was finally sent, only to find that it was COMPLETELY different that what they were told at the adoption! Wow!

Now that we have that part of tje info, they have stopped asking what I am doing in the search adn I am not bringing it up. if and when I find my birthmother I will make sure that they are included and consulted as PARENTS on what the next steps will be. You see, I respect them.

But I also understand, painfully, through having three step-children that have gone through tremendous struggles, that PEOPLE ARE NOT PROPERTY.

It is hard for me to face, but true. Love has nothing to do with it. I am loved unconditionally and I am not looking for a "replacement set of parents."

I am looking for me. Can you understand that? I will repspect and honor the people who gave me birth and try to be part of their lives if I am asked, but my search...my journey... about finding me. It is teaching me to respect MYSELF. it is teaching me even more about giving and forgiving and thankfulness.

God is loving you and your son. Don't worry.

Radiodoll

[Simom]

Thank You all for your wonderful replies, you have helped make me more comfortable that I will not be forgotten one day. I think of his b-mom often as I am sure she does of him. I want what is best for him. He does know he is adopted. I am considering contacting b-mom to see if we can 'open' things sooner than 18. He is so wonderful and starting to ask hard questions. You gave me much to consider. You all sound like such great people. Thank You.