[Bryce's Mommy]

I am new to this website and I am in the process of adopting, waiting to be picked. My question is: What is the best advice you can give aparents to help their child feel secure about being adopted. I have read lots of stories about adoption and it seems to run 50/50. Some adoptees are very comfortable with the fact that they are adopted and others are not at all. Before we adopt a child we would like to know what we as aparents can do to help our child feel secure about who he/she is. We are going to do an "open" adoption b/c we feel it is best to not hide anything from our child.
Thanks in advance for your help.
Les

[Vetteemt]

I can't tell you what is right or what is the wrong way to do it, but can tell you how my A-parents handled it. As far back as I can remember I’ve known I’m adopted. They told me at a young age that I probably did not understand the whole thing, but did now the truth. As I got older and asked questions about it they told me everything they knew about my bio-parents and always told me that if I ever wanted to try to find them, they would help me in any way possible. Myself knowing that my bio parent were very young I always understood why they gave me up for adoption and did not have any resentment about it. Like I said I can’t say that this is the right way or not, but it worked for us.

My 2 cents would be just love the child as any parents does and don’t be hurt if he/she ever tries to find their bio-parents. In my case with my parents helping out in the search it has brought us closer, plus we are there for each other if things turn out bad and one or the other needs to talk or just needs a hug.

[Bryce's Mommy]

Vetteemt,
Thanks for the reply, it sounds like your aparents love you very much and that they are willing to do anything to help you find your birth parents. I have read so many sad stories about adoptees feeling alone and confused and I do not want that for my children. Good luck to you and your families.
Les

I think making the child feel comfortable is a careful balance of giving them the truth about their adoption and not making them feel different. Let them set the pace for how much they want to know about their other family. Some may be curious from a very young age. Others may just want the stability of knowing that their Mom and Dad that they are living with love them, and dealing with their adoption may be overwhelming. I think considering the child's feelings first is the most important thing.

[dl]

Many adoptees posted their feelings on this thread.
“Insight for Aparents from an Adoptee”.
http://www.adoptionforums.com/showth...threadid=95993

Amothers found it reassuring to read about positive adoption experiences.

Best of Luck and hope you become "a family" soon.

[maureen salamon]

It is wonderful that you are so conscientious about the feelings of your children. As an adoptee, I think it's very important that you always refer to them as your children, not your ADOPTED children. You want them to feel as important to you as if you had given birth to them yourself, not different or strange from others.

That being said, I hope you understand that your child will always be tied to another family. You will be primary and will be "mommy," but there is another family that they will be linked to. Whether or not your child ever gets to know their other family, please acknowledge those people to your child. If you don't, he will think about them anyway, so it's best to be in the open and make him feel it's OK to have feelings for them. This is simply being realistic. It is part of the reality of an adoptee.

I also think, like the others, that telling your children while they're very young about the adoption is a good idea. They may not understand it completely at age 3 or 4, but it will dawn on them over time what you mean. By the time they do understand completely, they will also understand that you have leveled with them from the get-go and they will cherish that.

Good luck on your journey with your family!

[sam_i_am_71801]

I am an adoptee reunited with my birth family. I came from the closed adoption era. I spent 35 years "not knowing" this was not an emotionally healthy state for me to be in. It took me years to find my bio parents, the pain that I went through during the search was terrible. The pain of separation from my bio family is truly the greatest heartache that I have ever known.
Had I been in an open adoption situation, it would have kept me from those years of pain.
With all my heart I will say "knowing is better and healthier than not knowing." Look at it this way. If one of your children were playing on the play ground and just disappeared, you would always wonder what happened to them. And if later on they were found to have fell prey to a murderer and they were no longer living, it would still be better to know than to not know. With not knowing, there is a greater pain. Faced with the truth, a person can then accept and move on with life.

[Bryce's Mommy]

Thanks everyone for your positive and very helpful insight. My son Bryce is my bio-child and our next one will be adopted so this is all very new to me. I feel like Bryce is God's child and he is here b/c God trusts me to raise him and love him and I feel the same way about adopting a child as well. I know it will be different then when Bryce was born but I want to feel comfortable with adopting and know that we are doing the right thing so our a-child will have a peace and know he/she is loved by many people.
Les

[Bryce's Mommy]

Sam I Am,
Thank you so much for your example. It really hits home for me b/c in 94' my brother drown in a local lake and it took a team of 6 divers 5 days to recover his body. I can remember telling the detectives that they had to find him so that I could know "for sure". I remember thinking it was all a dream and I talked myself into believing he was really alive. By the time they called me to tell me he had been recovered I was so relieved b/c I could finally process it and deal with the facts. I never looked at adoption that way b/c the situations are so very different but it makes complete sense to me now.
BTW, were you able to locate your bio parents??? I hope you have peace in your life.
Les

[snuffie]

I totally agree with Sam I am. KNowing is so much better than not knowing. I am in reunion with my bfamily and so many questions that I had about myself all of my life have been answered.
My aparents were very open with me about being adopted. But I too was born in an era when every aspect of adoption was a dark secret. I have always had an "inner" restlessness, not quite sure of myself etc. And now that so many of my questions have been answered I finally feel a wonderful peace.

[sal]

Bryce's Mommy, You sound as if you will be a wonderful mom to an adopted child. I am a reunited adoptee as well.....from a closed adoption in the 50's. I grew up grieving my losses silently because that subject was just too sensitive for my amother to handle. I ran across a great book recently that I'd recommend that you read. 20 things that adopted children wish their adopted parents knew.....by Sherrie Eldridge. An open adoption will give your child the best way to integrate the two parts of themselves....the one that was created somewhere else, and the one being created under your love and care. Good luck.....sal

[Jellybean_luvs]

I am adopted and As I have growen up I have said some harsh and cruel things to my a-family. I just wanted you to know that even if your child says hateful and hurtful things remember that they dont know all that facts and that what they are missing its not about you. There coments are not said because your a bad mother or that you did something wrong. Its just that they dont know how to deal with there inner feelings... ok well this was just me but I want you to know that you can take it personally.
Jelly bean

[KianaWeb]

I think the way you are going about it is great! Your child will really benefit from it in the future, especially with your being "open" to an "open adoption".

I would just say that being willing to talk about it and not have your child feel that it is taboo to bring it up is the most important thing. In my case, I have always known I was adopted, but it has never been openly discussed. Now, 38 years later (yesterday was my birthday and I wonder if anyone out there remembers that particular day each year when it rolls around and wonders . . . ) I want to ask my aparents about it but am nervous about hurting their feelings, making them think that I don't love them, etc. -- I am struggling with this!!

Open is the way to go! Good Luck!

[MANoICE]

Kianaweb,

I guess we all hope that our aparents will just understand our desire to know about our past, but that isn't always the case. I would suggest sitting them down and discussing your feelings and motives. If you take teh time to explain to them clearly, hopefully they will understand. Just remind them frequently that you are not lacking any parental love, you just have questions about you roots. Best of luck.

[pagek77]

Hi Bryce's Mommy,

I'm 25 and was adopted by a Caucasian family when I was 2. I was abandoned in Korea so don't really know much. I always knew I was adopted at a very young age. I don't think I really knew what it meant when I was young, but as I got older, I understood. It didn't make me feel different or insecure though. I think because my parents had a comfortable attitude about adoption, I didn't feel like it was anything that different. So they had 2 children naturally and "had" me thru an adoption, not a big deal.

Just be open and honest from the very beginning and try not to worry too much ;-). Seeing how concerned you are before the adoption is even final, I think you'll be a great adoptive mom! Honestly, I think there will always be a small amount of insecurity from being adopted, but just loving your child and letting them know you would do anything for them is all you can do. It's just like raising a biological child.....instead of telling them stories of your labor, you can tell them stories of the day the adoption got finalized......what you did that day, how excited you were, how Bryce reacted to the new baby, etc. :-).

Feel free to send me a PM if you want to talk more. I'd be interested to hear how things turn out.

Lindsay