[sonata]

Brenda, how awful! My heart goes out to you.

Incidentally, the situation I am dealing with in my life right now involving rejection had the same outcome as yours. I have received a letter from someone threatening to "take legal action" if I ever contact them again. And all I did was write a letter like you did!

I can't think of anything worse than being treated this way. You have all my sympathy AND empathy!

Take care, Sonata

[vicrose]

Yes, being treated this way is no bed of roses...but it does give me some closure...because now I know exactly what type of people they are, and I really don't want anything to do with people that can't deal with the truth.....they should know that the truth shall set them free....Thank God I was adopted.....because these people are really not nice people....anyone that can do this to they're own daughter is not human!!!!! They're whacked!!!! It would be nice to know the info that I so desperately want...but I'll find it in my own way!!! Love, Brenda......

[Kindreds]

I truly feel so sorry for what you are going through Brenda. I am so thankful to a dear friend who encouraged me (strongly) to search for my daughter. If my daughter had found me before I had made the decision to search, I may have paniced and responded the way your mother responded to you. I only pray she has someone she can confide in, to counsel her, to help give her the strength to be the woman she needs to be for you. Adoption in the 60's was inhumane, I won't go into details, people have heard it all before, but believe me, the brainwashing was very effective, in your case it has hung with your mother for 37 years, in mine for 35.

[vicrose]

In actuality..my mother does have a friend that knows about me and probably helping her make the decision not to contact me...because the 2 times that she call me to threaten me..she has called from this other person's home..never her own...Sincerely, Brenda...

[sonata]

Brenda, I cannot FATHOM having your birthmother call you on the phone and threaten you. It just defies belief. What exactly did she say? Has she said no loving words to you at all?

I have been reading another thread in which a birthmother desparately wants contact with her birthdaughter who won't give her the time of day. It is one of life's cruelest ironies, isn't it?

"Bless your heart" as we say in the South! You seem to have a good attitude about all this but I know it must still hurt. Love, Sonata

[vicrose]

My birthmother has been very cold and precise with her decision...but I know that everytime that she does call it's like she's in acting class reading off of a piece of paper...because when I tried to interrupt her once..she just kept reading!!!!, and would not let me get a word in!!!! She told me that she didn't have time for this!!!! What a low blow..huh!!! I will never understand her coldness...but then again with some people..it comes naturally!!!! I don't mean to sound bitter to all of you birthmother's that are reading this, but this has been one hell of a nightmare for me with this woman...and I just need to vent!!!! I know what women giving up they're children in the 50's and 60's went through..and I feel for all of those women...but love your children when they approach you, or at least give them the info that they need.... Love, Brenda..

[sspete]

Oh Brenda---Bless your heart!!! As a bmom I totally agree with you. I am a bmom from the early eighties, and it is tough no matter when you go through it. It is very sad to me that some bmoms can not see passed all the pain and celebrate the good when it finally comes to them!!! You hang in there my friend!!! I am so sorry, and wanted to offer you ((((((BIG HUGS)))))!!! S Pete

[Lovemends2]

Vicrose,

As I read what she threaten "legal action" against you, I felt I wanted to share this idea with you...that I wish there is an attorney or bodyguard expecially to protect adoptees from dangerous birth parents from any harm. A legal protection for adoptees' rights. I really think...that your birth mother really cannot do that legal action. Your birth grandmother did not reject you....your grandmother is under your b-mother's pressure to shut her up....I am sure your grandmother is suffering and she still loves you.

My uncle...warned me one important thing about my birth mother...he said "Nothing can stop from me loving you no matter how angry your birth mother might stop or do against you."

So I know in my heart I am still loved by my uncle in secret. He is the only one in birth mother's family who is not against me...all others are.

HUGS TO YOU MY DEAR FRIEND!

Lovemends2

[vicrose]

Hi Everybody!!!!, I know that my birthmother cannot seek legal action against me..it's just her trying to get my knickers in a twist...I did nothing wrong..I called her, and she said she didn't want contact..I was hurt..but I said o.k. , and then I wrote the birthgrandmother a heartfelt 10 page letter with photos and all..and the birthgrandmothermust of told the birthmother about it..and she got all pissy..and she figured she'd call me and leave her scathing little message on my answering machine...I did nothing wrong for the mother to seek legal action against me..and in my heart of hearts I know that..I just tried reaching out to the birthgrandmother..and even though it didn't seem to work out as I have planned..maybe the birthgrandmother will call me one day...because my adoptive father said that he saw the birthgrandmother in court on the day of my final relinquishment hearing...so I know in my heart that she probably still does care..and I'm so glad that you pointed out the fact that she is probably under the control of the birthmother..poor thing, I hope she calls me back one day..so I can tell her how much I have also thought about her over the years........and how I wish that this reunion could of been so much different than it turned out!!!! I have not lost out hope on the birthgrandmother...but I am staying away from them for now, because I'm really not into being hurt by total strangers either...my birthmother has really done a number on my emotions...and I honestly don't know how she lives with herself...but I guess as long as her secret stays a secret then life is great to her..if she only knew how much damage she has done!!!! Sincerely, brenda....

[vicrose]

Hi Cori...I just got home from the beach and read what you had to say...and you know, you have a very good point....I told myself when I went into this search that I was not getting hurt by anyone..and I have..and I tried to tell myself that if I could just spend one day with her..then everything would be resolved...but you know what....for me enough is never enough...when I venture into something..I give it my all...and honestly..I guess I'm just a little ticked off because I never got to complete my journey of reunion with her....I never got to let her know how grateful I was to her for giving me up..because I have led a very interesting and blessed life..and I have always felt that things might of not worked out sooo great had I stayed with her....she had just turned 17 and her mom and dad would of had to help her...so she got to go on with her life...and by everything I can see on paper...she married one year after she had me and went on to have 3 more children...so she is married to the same man..and I hope her life is blessed and we can someday get beyond these lies!!!! And yes, hopefully one day I'll be able to love her in my mind again as I did before...because right now I am full of hurt from her....but God willing I can release this feeling and go on with my life as normal!!!! Thank you sooo much for giving me some insight into this situation...I really need all the help I can get to deal with this...and so it helps me when I hear that others have gone through the same thing and survived it!!! Love, Brenda....

[shirleyville]

Boy, do I understand that feeling of having things change on you 100% after you locate your birthfamily!
I felt SO different about things back when I made the decision to hire my CI!! I was sure ......100% sure ....that by using a CI, I was doing the right thing -- it was "legal" and "above board". I was sure that if she didn't want contact, that I would be okay with that. I was positive that I was "cool" with it if she didn't want to tell her children about me. After I learned that she didn't want contact, I was so sure I wanted to respect her privacy and issues. You couldn't have changed my mind on ANY of those issues.
It took a few weeks after she denied contact before I started to change.....I started looking for her myself. Even then, it was like "if I just find her....if I could only know where she is, I will be happy with that....
Then, once I found her, and realized that I KNEW members of my birthfamily, and that she was living 10 minutes from me, it was a whole other mindset.
Then, once I saw one picture, I wanted to see MORE ....then I wanted to see her house .....now, I want to see HER.
I thought that if I just knew a little about her -- about my family -- I would be satisfied, but now, I'm not. I want to know everything !!
I thought my siblings didn't matter to me....but now , they do.
I've described it on other threads like having raging PMS and thinking to yourself that if you could only have one little sliver of chocolate, you would feel better. Then, all of the sudden, someone comes in with a whole cake and sets it in front of you -- takes out a knife and serves you one little sliver . You munch it ravenously and reach for another.....but a hand stops you. "But I want another piece!!" "NO! You can't have any more!" "But why? There's a whole cake right here!" "But you SAID you only wanted one sliver -- and one sliver is all you get!"
I have the whole cake right down the road, and now, I can't have it! It changes your whole perspective once you find out who they are....that they are alive....and they want nothing to do with you. Everything suddenly becomes very real and very tangible. Before all of this, the concept of my birthmother, and my birthfamily was just that -- a concept. Now, they are very real people....living very real lives....right in my own back yard.
I thought the CI things was such a great idea....until my birthmom said NO, and I never even got to hear her voice for myself, or say any of the things I wanted to say. If I had done it myself, I would have at least gotten to hear her.
I dunno....it's a hard road -- that's for sure!
You never really know what it's going to be like until you are in it!
Hugs,
Sally

[vicrose]

Oh yes..."you never know what it going to be like until your in the middle of it"...isn't that the God's honest truth!!!! But, you know what...I have waited all my life to have identity...to be acknowledged...it just feels like such a letdown from my birthmother....excuse me, but I have your blood running through my veins lady...hello!!!!! The human side of us comes out when our birthmother's don't want any contact....we want to know who,what,when,and why...and these birthmother's can't see past themselves to provide us with that....don't get me wrong..if she said she didn't want contact..I'm hurt..but I'm o.k. with that now...but don't deny me my birthfather's name or my siblings!!!! Sally...I have always said that God has a plan...and I truly believe that this is not the end of the line for us...there is going to be more information for us....and even though patience isn't one of my favorite virtues...I guess I'm going to have to be patient in order to live through this mess!!!! Thank God that as adoptees we are a pretty strong group of people....because I don't think that anyone can imagine all the hurt and pain that is put upon some of us!!!! Love, Brenda

[vicrose]

Hi Everybody...I was just sitting here thinking...a rare moment with three kids home for the summer!! LOL!! And one thing that came to mind is how blessed I am..yes, I have lived a very eventful life and have had some tradgedies along the way..but it's those heartbreaks that have molded me into the person I am today. Yesterday I was on the phone with a man who heads up this group called The Compassionate Friends Of Brookhaven..it's a group that helps people who have just suffered the loss of a child..it helps them by talking and consoling them in they're time of need and after...they asked me to speak at they're meeting next month..because my husband and I had our baby die 5 years ago this month...I hope I can be of some help to these people. You see, God closed the door on me having contact with my birthmother...but he opened up another door for me to be of some assistance to others who are going through a rough time. I really need something or someone to take me away from those thoughts of my birthmother and her words!!! My children and my husband I'm sure will keep me busy as well......I have started to ramble on...so excuse me for doing so...but I just wanted you to know that this birthmother thing is not going to get me down!!!! Love, Brenda...

[maureen salamon]

It's so great to see you're getting some perspective on what's happened, Brenda. Of course, when you've gone through other horrible experiences, like losing your baby, you become better able to come to a "quiet place" inside you that allows space for everything you are, tragedies and triumphs both.

It's hard to understand why anything happens to us that causes us so much pain, but God's plan for us does not tell us to expect none -- just that he will give us the strength to cope. It may not be in his plan for your reunion with your birthmother to work out -- at least not yet -- but it doesn't mean he's left you high and dry without a way to deal with it. I'm sure if you look around you and think carefully, you will immediately identify three or five or twelve people who have helped you through the rough spots immensely. They are the ones God has put there in his place, to help you.

I have followed your story and postings for months now, Brenda, and I was so disappointed for you when your birthmother refused contact. I don't understand these things and probably never will. But, like all the others on these boards, I am pulling for you.

[vicrose]

You gals are sooo great!!! As the days pass on, I think about what life was like before I didn't know who my birthmother was..and you know what..I have a great life..and I am definitely not going to let this get me down anymore...because my kids and family deserve better from me...they deserve to have the WHOLE me back to normal...and I love them dearly and am ready to move on from this painful place. Why dwell on something that hurts sooo much!!! I know that this adoption thing will creep up on me once in awhile...but I will not let it get to me as it has in the last month. Life is wonderful, and there are always going to be triumphs and tradgedies....and I am ready for life. I have lots of years left on this earth, and even though I know that maybe one day my birthmother may call and say I'd like to know you....I honestly don't know if I'll be ready for her......she has just caused too much unnecessary pain!!!!! Anyway, between my family, my job, and now my work that I will be doing to help others...I am living a blessed life!!!!! If anyone has ever been in a similar experience with they're birthfamilies, and you just want to talk...I am here...just pm mail me!!!! Love, Brenda....