[vicrose]

Let's face it...rejection stinks!!!!! But, I'd rather know what my mom is really like rather than live my whole life not knowing...and putting her up on this pedestal...I mean I really had her up there high...and it's kind of like she fell off in an instant..it only took one phone call to realize that I had been praising the wrong person!!!! So no longer will I praise her for her sacrifice...for if she ws truly my mom she would of stepped up to the plate..and at least given me the medical info I so desperately need...not a relationship..just info..and she couldn't even grant me that....but I will respect her decision...and I will not tell anyone she knows of her shameful secret.....ME!!!!! Imagine that...after all these years..I'm still a shameful secret!!!! I know I'm rambling today.....and in the upcoming months I will probably have a bunch of emotions over this matter....but I just want to move on from this raw emotion...but it kind of has me in a strangle hold!!!! Love, Brenda....

[dl]

"I will not tell anyone she knows of her shameful secret.....ME!!!!! Imagine that...after all these years..I'm still a shameful secret!!!!"

Please don't feel that it is "YOU" that is "her shameful secret". While I understand why you would feel that way, I personally believe their previous behavior is what some bmothers don't want the people in their current life to know about. Their fear of anyone finding out about that is what keeps them from opening the door even a little bit to us. We, the adoptees are the result of the behavior that they feel is shameful. If there had been no child, they most likely would still keep their behavior secret. The fact that there WAS a child is something some bmothers never dealt with and obviously still do not want to deal with.

I'm not saying this is fair, and it's only my opinion. I certainly would think, at the very least, as one human being to another, that the information you need and want could have been given without divulging her past.

Some of us were discussing on another thread how skewed our perceptions about bmothers are as a result of what we read on the forum. The bmothers that do not want to be found are not represented here at all. The only posts we read are from bmothers longing to know that "their children" are alive and well, bmothers that are upset if the child they contact does not immediately relate to them as "a mother". It gives us all a very skewed perception and sets us up to feeling even more rejected when our birthmother does not share ANY of these feelings.

Again, I'm truly sorry for the pain, frustration and disappointment you are feeling. It's only been a week so it's understandable that your emotions are raw. Reach out to those in your life that do love you and want to support you. Keep "rambling" to us and we'll "ramble" back! Take care!!

[MomTo1]

Hi Brenda....

I have not been reading the boards so much lately, so please forgive me for my late reply.

I am always amazed at the stories I have come across in which the birthparents have rejected the child! This always breaks my heart and causes sadness. We read so often on this boards how the birthmothers can never move beyond the pain, yet your story shows that is NOT the case, always.

Sometimes I feel that this board can project the wrong image to some of us. I feel, it leads us to believe that most birthmothers are out there suffering, unable to move beyond the pain of placing a child. While I am sure this is true for some birthmothers, it is obviously not true for all. I personally know of three others within the last few weeks who have experienced rejection by their birthparents. Even though I use the word rejection , I know it is not real rejection. How can someone reject someone they don't know?

Debsdone put it nicely....she writes, "Brenda, It never was, nor will it ever be YOUR loss. The loser is someone who will never even know it. You will be fine." This is so true. You have lost nothing Brenda, only gained insight into your past and peace in knowing that you are where you are supposed to be. Please don't take this pain onto your shoulders, let it pass and learn from it so you can help others.

Dlouis writes...Your grace and forgiving attitude is beautiful and inspiring. I too have always felt that I was where I was meant to be. After reading my non id info I truly wished that my parents were alive so I could give them a big hug and let them know how very grateful I am that God led them to me when I was 13 months old.

and

Radiodoll writes.... "IT's amazing to me that the universe seems to place us where we are suppose to be."

I agree 100% with all of these ladies. Life is journey and the road is not always clear but I know, without a doubt, that my little girl is where she is supposed to be. The strangest thing I can give you to back this up is the birthmark that my daughter has on her right shoulder. The exact birthmark as I, and my mother have. My daughters birthmother was amazed when she saw it. She told me that in her family, they have a little strawberry that shows up on the upper thigh. This child has no marks on her thigh, only her shoulder. Now, isn't that strange??? This is my conviction that this little girl is where she is supposed to be. A wise person, told me many months ago on this forum, "who are we to judge God's plan". It put an end to my guilt and I hope it will bring you some peace.

In closing I have to agree with bajohnson, "secrets are evil". Don't let yourself be sad another day for something that you can not control. Secret's brew evil, but this was the norm for many who had to place many years ago. I was told by many that they were informed to forget about the child. Maybe as a young woman your birthmother was told this and probably internalized it so well that she can't move past it. I don't know. I do know that today, with open adoptions, the families are no longer living in secrets. That is a good thing that has changed in adoption.

These are just my thoughts Brenda. I hope you can put this in perspective. Sometimes our journey leads us down roads that we can not undersand right now, but later become clear. This was true with my many years of infertility. I didn't understand it. I didn't like it. I was angry at God and everyone for it, but now, it's the best thing that ever happened to me. I am a better person because of it.

Hugs to you, Brenda.

[shirleyville]

Brenda,
You know I know your "story"...and you certainly know mine , but I just wanted to post here to let you know that YOU, my dear, are NOT a "shameful secret." The fact that your birthmom hasn't been emotionally capable of sharing the story of your birth with her present family has nothing at all to do with you , and has everything to do with the way she internalized the events that took place during the time of conception, birth, and reliquishment. Search, contact and reunion rarely lend themselves to any sort of "rational" thinking -- but rather to that of the emotional side, and while you "rationally" know that YOU , yourself are not a "shameful secret", I know it can feel that way.....been there, myself. Knowing that your mother has carried this with her for as long as you have been on this earth, is unfathomable to most of us, but in reality, it seems to be perfectly "normal". MANY birthmothers were unable to share the events with anyone......not because they are unfeeling, or uncaring women, but because they are AFRAID . Afraid of losing everything and everyone in their lives....afraid of losing their future to their past.
Understandably, we, as adoptees, can and do put our birthmoms up on a pedestal -- partially because they gave us life, but also because we don't KNOW them. It is easy to, thru out our lives, bestow upon them, all the attributes that we want them to have, because they are enigmatic. When we get to the place in our journey where they suddenly become "real", everything changes. They have real faults and real lives and real situations that have absolutely nothing to do with us, and it's like a balloon being blown up in our faces. Reality hits, and we realize that just like us...just like everyone else we know....our birthmoms aren't perfect. They are just people. People like you and me. While it may feel like they fall, instantaneously from their pedestal, in reality, they are just slipping into their rightful place -- a place no higher or lower than anyone else -- the "human being slot".
It IS hard to understand how our birthmoms can't even bring themselves to provide medical information -- mine wouldn't, either.....but maybe in that one moment, when coming smack dab in the face of fear, it's hard to think clearly. Maybe, given time, she will come around enough to realize how important this is to you. Only time will tell.
I've thought a lot about it in terms that may seem simplistic, but it helps me, in my mind, put things into perspective. I asked myself what my BIGGEST "tangible" fear in life is.....something I could equate this to -- something I could touch. And that would be snakes. If someone came up to my door, rang the bell, and, upon my opening the door, they threw a basket of snakes at me, what would my reaction be? I would imagine that I would throw my arms up to protect myself (deflect the unfathomable) and then, I would instinctively yell, "NOOOOOOO"! It wouldn't be until later that I could look at it rationally (not reACTIONALLY) and say, "okay....this didn't hurt me. It didn't cause some life altering or apocolyptic outcome."
I think time plays a lot into this kind of thing, for many of us. We all go thru different stages after something like this happens, and I think it's a lot like the grieving process.....disbelief, sadness, anger...and eventually acceptance. We need to allow ourselves to experience it all, or we are cheating ourselves. I think our birthmoms need time to do the same.
My hugs are with you all the time!
Sally

[Sharon]

I'm so sorry your b-mom is unwilling to acknowledge you. This is so inconceivable to me... but I've read many similar stories on this forum and I'm beginning to realize that birthmothers who placed their children back in the 50s and 60s must have been almost brainwashed into believing that the best thing was to "forget" and "go on with their lives". I know this must be really painful to you. My heart goes out to you and the many other adoptees on this forum who have been denied by their birthmothers. Attitudes toward adoption have changed so much in recent years, and I think in the future birthmothers will be much more open to contact than they were in the past. I know this doesn't help with your situation.
I'm sorry your adoptive mother has passed away, but I'm glad you've still got your dad to rely on for love and support. If your birthmother continues to refuse contact with you, that is her loss, not yours. Again, I'm very sorry about your situation. I hope at some point in the future she will change her mind. I'm sure she would be happy to know you were raised in a loving home, and proud of the person you've become, if only she could overcome her fear and get to know you. Best wishes, ~Sharon

[sonata]

Brenda, I don't know that anything I can say will be of comfort to you, but I want you to know how sorry I am for what you're going through with your birthmom. It breaks my heart.

I know you're trying to look on the positive side of the situation, which is really all you can do. And I know that you are trying to convince yourself that it is HER loss, which it is. But the reality is that it is your loss too. And it hurts. (I am going through a painful situation of rejection and betrayal in my life right now too and it hurts like hell.) The thing is, Brenda, sometimes there is no way "around" the pain...you just have to grit your teeth and plunge right through it. Believe me, I know. Everyone says the sun will come out again and I'm sure that's true. But there are inevitably some dark days to be endured before that happens.

If the warm wishes of your fellow adoptees on this forum help ease your pain, I want to add mine. Please stay in touch and let us know how you are. I'll be thinking about you! Love, Sonata

[vicrose]

Hey gals...The minute I wrote about ME being a shamful thing of her past..after I end that post..I knew I was gonna catch som hell...it's just the way I was feeling this morning...please don't think it's the way I feel all the time...right now I am just kind of confused by her lack of emotion...I undersand this was probably a very hard situation for her back then....but I guess I was just wanting her to give me a little love...give me the same respect that I have given her all these years!!!! But in didn't work out that way...and I have nothing to do but just accept it....I'm not crying anymore.....I WILL NOT let myself shed any more tears for this woman....I want to take care of my family...and be there for them...but it still kind of ticks me off when I think about it....I know now that she didn't reject me...she rejected the notion of knowing me....of knowing her firstborn daughter......I know I'll be o.k., because I've weathered many a storm in my life...and I have always been able to come out of it o.k......So, I'll just hum the tune "Wind Beneath My Wings" to myself in the car from now on...and think about how I could of sang this to her...Love, Brenda....

[Lovemends2]

My birth mother was very unemotional and unkind to me afterwards. She has verbally abused me. I felt that she was inhuman. Sometimes I wished she was really dead because her being alive....makes me angry. She had no right to hurt me like that. Someday she will pay in judgment for the pain she has caused me. Someday she will pay!!!

Lovemends2

[vicrose]

Dear Lovemends...I am sooo sorry that your birthmother has caused you sooo much pain.....there is no reason for anyone to be so vicious and mean to ANYONE let alone they're own child...I just say it all boils own to the person that they truly are...some people cannot change....and I went into this search with my eyes wide open...but I truly didn't believe that anyone could be sooo mean either....you know why...because we are decent people...we are kind to others on a regular basis...and we have feelings.....but some people just don't know how to appreciate a good thing if it kicked them in the head!!!!! Believe me....we are so much better for knowing what these people are like...and keeping away from them!!! We only need kind and compassionate people in our lives......Sincerely, Brenda....

[brewskieslady]

Brenda,
I hope I am not out of line in replying to your thread, as I am a birth mother.
I would first like to say, I can only hope, pray and hold my breath that my baby boy will come and look for me, fall into my waiting arms and recieve all the love I have not had the fortune to lavish on him. I want to tell him, so badly that the reason I gave him up, is because I love him, not the opposite. I had just turned 18 when I had him, had been jumped all over, harrassed and pushed around by people that thought I should abort my unborn child, for me, that was NEVER an option.
I am not saying this very well, all the pent up hopes and dreams, the fear of never knowing if I did the right thing, if I made his life worse or better than it would have been with me. I could not provide him with the basic needs in life.food, shelter, shoes......
My son will be 18 August 25th, 2003, I want him to know that he has an extensive extended family, brothers and grandparents that would love to see him, and know him, before they pass on.
My children...Almost 11 and almost 8, know they have a brother out there somewhere and would like to meet him, too.
I don't know if I should have written this here, but I just want you to know and some of the others that have replied to you, that, YES, there are those of us out here that AWAIT with bated breath for the CHANCE that your birth mother had and rejected. It is TRULY her loss.
Keep your chin up and know that you were CHOSEN, you did not just happen!
I would just like to add, that giving birth, DOES NOT make one a mother. Only love does that.

Here's hoping,
Brenda

[brewskieslady]

Brenda,
I hope I am not out of line in replying to your thread, as I am a birth mother.
I would first like to say, I can only hope, pray and hold my breath that my baby boy will come and look for me, fall into my waiting arms and recieve all the love I have not had the fortune to lavish on him. I want to tell him, so badly that the reason I gave him up, is because I love him, not the opposite. I had just turned 18 when I had him, had been jumped all over, harrassed and pushed around by people that thought I should abort my unborn child, for me, that was NEVER an option.
I am not saying this very well, all the pent up hopes and dreams, the fear of never knowing if I did the right thing, if I made his life worse or better than it would have been with me. I could not provide him with the basic needs in life.food, shelter, shoes......
My son will be 18 August 25th, 2003, I want him to know that he has an extensive extended family, brothers and grandparents that would love to see him, and know him, before they pass on.
My children...Almost 11 and almost 8, know they have a brother out there somewhere and would like to meet him, too.
I don't know if I should have written this here, but I just want you to know and some of the others that have replied to you, that, YES, there are those of us out here that AWAIT with bated breath for the CHANCE that your birth mother had and rejected. It is TRULY her loss.
Keep your chin up and know that you were CHOSEN, you did not just happen!

Here's hoping,
Brenda

[vicrose]

Well, the saga continues....I wrote a very nice 10 page letter to my birth-grandmother.....and she told the birthmother that I had written...my birthmother was very displeased and called me at home and left a message...much to the effect of "if you ever write or contact anyone in my family..I will seek legal action against you!!" This call really hurt me...because I thought the Grandmother would of had some sense to just pick up the phone and say "hello". But, my birthmother is running so scared now..that she will steep to such low levels as to threaten me now.....I really have no patience for her at this point in my life...I have a wonderful family...kids,husband,afather,dog...so why on earth do I need someone like her....I was just making one last ditch effort...but it didn't work...they're loss!!!! I won't contact her again....it's not worth it!!!! Love, Brenda...

[dpen]

Call the police...gimme a break, most of us are NOT criminals. Even if this women does have "pain" that she is hiding from, one would think that basic human decency would allow you to have some info. She is the reason your here!! GRRRR Donna

[dpen]

one other thing....at least you got your feelings out there....thing them somrthing to chew on. Donna

[Shoshana]

My a-sister got a court order to open her records when she found out that her 3 young sons had significant hearing impairments. My sister does to, but no one ever suspected it was genetic! Her birth mother refused to give her medical information and had to be again court ordered to provide info. It took about two years after finding her for my sister to get the basic medical info, and even then, she had lied about the birth father's identity. My sister later found out that her birth father was deceased - and completely deaf.

The birth mother constantly threatened to sue my sister for "violating her rights!" The birth mother raised two children & had relinquished a number of other children (at least 5 that we know of). Every time my sister found one of them, or they found her or their birth mother, the birth mother again started making noise about suing my sister & calling the police!

All this woman had to do was to be polite. My sister would have respected any limits she wanted. But apparently the birth mother is quite disturbed, cold, and mean.

So I agree -- it is their loss, not yours. And you'll be happier without people like this in your life. I'm sorry you had such a bad experience.