[lostwolfpup]

I haven't been to this site since like December I think. For a while, all I wanted was more information on my birth family, then from December to now, it crossed my mind but didn't matter so much. Now I find myself at a crossroads in my thinking again. I'm not sure again what to do next, to search or not, to look at the adoptee searching postboards, to forget about it since it's probably hopeless, then again others found their birth families, so why not me?

DOES ANYONE ELSE DO THIS? I can't figure out why I can't decide one way or the other what I want to do. I also noticed I seem to crave the approval of others for most things in my life. Is that from being adopted or just a personality quirk?

My theories on my amom's sister being my bmom are still there. I pick up bits and pieces of supporting info, but nothing major. I'm afraid to confront her because of fear of being thought to be crazy for thinking it.

The other day, I was talking to a couple of Swedish Norwegian descent, like I am supposed to be. They said the last name Peterson is definitely of those descents. Their last name was Peterson if I remember right. Wierd. Anyhow, I jsut wanted to touch base again here I guess and maybe see where God pushes me now. I guess when the time is right, I'll know and things will fall into place for me. It sounds like that's what happened for a lot of those of you who have found your birth families so far.

[MattP]

Hi, I don't think you're the only one who has felt that way. I went through feelings of ambivalence for years. Most of the time I just didn't think about it, then every now and then something would cause me to seriously consider searching, but I wouldn't act on it.

I think there were two reasons for my indecisiveness. One was a feeling of loyalty to my afamily, or rather guilt and concern about not hurting them. The other was fear about what would happen if I decided to go down that road. I might not find them, they might reject me, etc. I also think I knew deep down that it would mean that I would have to face a lot of unresolved feelings that I had never dealt with.

Ultimately, I decided that I didn't want to go to my death bed without having tried to make contact, so I felt that the risk of inaction was much greater than any risk that I faced by searching. The outcome wasn't what I had hoped for -- my bmom died back in 1991, so I never got to meet her -- but I got to meet her sister and brother, and I now know her name, what she looked like, and what she was like as a person. That's more than I had before, and I now have a wonderful loving aunt who welcomed me fully into her life. I'm still searching for my bfather.

This is just my opinion, so take it for what it's worth, but if I were you I would go ahead and start the search process. Sooner or later, you'll need to open that door and see what's on the other side. Life is short and unpredictable, and you don't get credit for being late.

However, having said that, you're the one who needs to live with your decision, so you need to follow your heart and do what you feel is best for you. Best of luck to you, whatever choice you make.

-Matt

[Sharon]

I understand how you feel. Searching is difficult and daunting and full of false leads and disappointments. I am a birthmother who recently searched for and found my son, and am now in contact with his a-parents (he's not an adult yet). Sometimes during my search, I got so discouraged that the only thing that drove me on was the sheer challenge of it. Not to say I feel it's a game, or not serious... but some days when you've spent six hours on the internet looking at lists of names and birthdates, you can lose sight of the REAL reason you're doing this. Also, I sometimes got discouraged reading about all the disappointing reunions on this and other forums. It seems that the idealized "happy ending" simply does not exist. You wonder, at the end of this long and emotionally charged path, if there is only going to be a disappointment, a rejection, a denial. You must sit down and list the reasons you were compelled to search in the first place. Not hopes and dreams, but actual reasons. Do you want to confirm your identity, satisfy your curiosity about your origins (I'm just guessing here; I can't know what an adoptee feels) maybe find out your bio-family's medical history, their genealogy? You have to weigh the importance of the things that originally motivated you to search against the emotional cost of the searching. For me, my primary motives in searching were to make sure my son was healthy and safe (the adoption was semi-open, but the adoptive parents closed it within a year of his birth, without explanation. Since I never knew why, I sometimes suspected the worst), and to relay some new medical information to my son, via his adoptive parents (that his birthfather has recently been diagnosed with a genetic illness). I was able to accomplish both of those things... and so I consider that my "reunion" was a success, and my search was worth all the stress and heartache. Finding him did not bring him back to me or erase the past, but it gave me some peace of mind. I think searching is worth it. If you have unanswered questions about your birthfamily, I hope you never stop searching until you get your answers. Best of luck to you. Sincerely, ~Sharon

[bandfan]

You are not alone! I think all adoptees go through this at one time or another. Me? I go through it all the time. I found out I was adopted when I was 8 years old. All through my teenage years I never had the desire to find my roots. The question was always in the back of my mind, but I just didn't act on it. It wasn't until my adopted family turned their back on me that the urge to find my roots kicked in. And now, that very same urge fades in and out all the time. I get to thinking that I really want to find them and find my heritage, then I get to thinking "What if it takes years and years?", or "What if I find them AFTER they've passed away?" "What if they don't want to find me?" Questions like that really make me want to put a hold on my search. I'm the type of person who really appreciates the life that I have now, and I don't want anything to mess that up. But then I get to thinking that I need to find this out! I need to know where I came from! And if I find out something not so good, at least it'll be better than not knowing.

We are all afraid of the unknown. So, maybe this is another view you can take. If you don't try to make contact, you'll never have ANY answers to whatever questions you may have. If you try to initiate contact, and the result isn't what you expected, Hey, at least you tried! And that is something you can be proud of, In my opinion.

I hope this doesn't sound too scatter-brained! I've been working outside all day in the beautiful weather we're having in NW Arkansas, and I'm tired. But I read your post, and I had to reply...

Good Luck! -Sheila-

[bandfan]

You are not alone! I think all adoptees go through this at one time or another. Me? I go through it all the time. I found out I was adopted when I was 8 years old. All through my teenage years I never had the desire to find my roots. The question was always in the back of my mind, but I just didn't act on it. It wasn't until my adopted family turned their back on me (at age 30) that the urge to find my roots kicked in. And now, that very same urge fades in and out all the time. I get to thinking that I really want to find them and find my heritage, then I get to thinking "What if it takes years and years?", or "What if I find them AFTER they've passed away?" "What if they don't want to find me?" Questions like that really make me want to put a hold on my search. I'm the type of person who really appreciates the life that I have now, and I don't want anything to mess that up. But then I get to thinking that I need to find this out! I need to know where I came from! And if I find out something not so good, at least it'll be better than not knowing.

We are all afraid of the unknown. So, maybe this is another view you can take. If you don't try to make contact, you'll never have ANY answers to whatever questions you may have. If you try to initiate contact, and the result isn't what you expected, Hey, at least you tried! And that is something you can be proud of, In my opinion.

I hope this doesn't sound too scatter-brained! I've been working outside all day in the beautiful weather we're having in NW Arkansas, and I'm tired. But I read your post, and I had to reply...

Good Luck! -Sheila-

[maureen salamon]

Very common feelings you're dealing with! During my search I would often take weeks or months "off" without dealing with it or doing more work on it (of course, I thought about it a whole ton anyway). I think we need these breaks in searching in order to give our minds and hearts time to process our feelings about the odyssey we're on. If we move too quickly, we're afraid we will rush headlong into disaster without being prepared. If we take our time, it's easier to think we have our heads together on this.

All I can say is, trust your instincts. Take the time off from the search as you see fit. Realize that God's plan for you and this search ultimately is what directs it. Believe that you can get answers, and with them, fulfillment.

Good luck!

[Just Julie]

I would want to search, but I'd also want a very close friend or family member with whom I could openly share every step, disappointment, and joy. Life is an adventure to be shared!

Blessings to you.

[lostwolfpup]

my husband is with me in my search. He doesn't want me to go crazy with it and let it consume me. So far so good on that. I have shared my theories with him and his mom. They agree that it sounds like a possibility which makes me feel better. The few times I've brought up my thoughts on it to my a-family(a-cousins etc) i was treated like I was off my rocker for my thoughts on who my bmom might be. Kind of hits you in the face when someone who is supposed to be "family" treats you like that. My husband and his mom have been more helpful in keeping me on track than my own "family". I have a wedding to go to on my amom's side of the family this saturday. The cousin getting married is the son of the woman I think might be my bmom, my amom's sister. My husband helps me listen and watch for signals or clues if you want to call it that. He notices things that seem strange in their behavior and later asks me if I noticed too. Usually I did and we discuss what it could mean. My 14 yr old daughter knows whats going on too and she helps me talk it through sometimes too. She shares some similar feelings since her father left her and moved out of state and has no contact with her. I know it's not being adopted, but in a way my husband is like an adoptive dad to her, so there's a kind of parallel there. Anyhow, it helps knowing there are others out there as indecisive as myself. I'm beginning to think I need assertivness training to follow through on the rest of the hunt. I'm kind of mousy where things like this are concerned and too chicken to just ask. If any new "oddities" pop up on saturday, I'll be sure to update you all. until then, thanks for the words of reassurance, they do help.