[Pianoteacher527]

I have always felt that being adopted had such a terrible shameful stigma attached to it. It has always been such a shamrful closeted issue with me. People and their remarks will tear me apart. I am now 36 years old.

When I was little I got the comment: "She's your mom? Well, you don't look like her!! Were you like, adopted or something?" All this has really embittered me so much that I cannot tell anyone.

I have tried to have some acceptance of this issue, but it is nearly impossible for me. I would also get comments like, "You're just like their own, huh?" And I would turn around and say, "What do you mean LIKE their OWN? I am their OWN!" And I'd put the emphasis on "OWN!"

And I don't like hearing people say, "They had 3 natural children and 1 adopted." Why mention adopted? How about "They had four children?" What is the true difference anyhow other than genes?

Adoption is made to be something altogether different. It is as though you might as well be wearing horns on your head or something. And yet, I hear other parents in my family and otherwise that seem so proud to tell about it. How do they get their children to accept it without this STIGMA of people and their DUMB remarks?

Please reply and let me know what you have been through as a parent? Is anyone out there in denial also? If so, why? I'd love to hear from others! Thanks!

Jennifer

[pamelap1975]

Piano

I understand what you are saying, I am an adoptee too. It does hold a certain stigma...and we are made to believe that we should be "greatfull" that we were wanted by someone. It irritates me, but I am not ashamed...my adoptive parents made me believe that I should never be ashamed of who I am. I was a situation I had no control over...and I was not given a choice. I remember hearing remarks like you stated, and they did bother me at first. But they do not bother me much anymore, because I know who I am. I am not only an "adoptee", I am a wife, a mother, a friend, a daughter, an aunt...all of those things. And that is what I concentrate on. What bothers me most is society feels that we (adoptees) have NO rights. We have no right to our identity, our family, our roots. Its some big secret! Like I should have something to be ashamed of...like I should not "intrude" on my birthfamilys life. She chose this, not me! Anyway, I hope I made some sence.

baby girl searching
03/22/75 ft worth tx
Edna Gladney


Pamela

[snuffie]

I think I may have found my birthfather (in fact I am almost positive) and I too am trying to get over the anger that I have because I have to walk on eggshells trying to not hurt him, his family, etc. just by existing!And
Although I can understand birth mother's feelings especially if they had a horrible time when we were born, I guess I don't understand how they can choose to shut out their own children!
The laws in most states need to be changed also. I believe most of them have been made by non-adoptees who have no idea what we go through. It is hard not to feel like a second class citizen when our very ancestry is kept from us and the genes that we carry in our own bodies are a mystery!

[Glen J. Page]

Hi Jennifer. What those people people said to you is just plain WRONG, and Un-THINKING,hurtfull statements-they should be ashamed of themeselves for being simple!! Now I haven't been through experiences like that. But I called down to the Clerk of Superior Court in Elizabeth City,NC and was told I would have to "get a lawyer" to un-seal the records and that the judge would just shoot down the motion to open them up anyway!
Jesus, am I un-safe to be around? I am a city transit driver and you have to pass a 10 yr. back ground check-I don't have any felonies or misdemeanors. But the way most of them think it's like you are being punished for a major crime! Is it so wrong for me to want to find her cause I miss and love her? It s**** being an adoptee. So I say to h*** with those people,please pordon my french. Don't worry about what they say, they DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT!! You are created by God, and that is what counts and matters most. I'm not trying to be Billy Graham here-even though he's cool.

I hope I made you feel a little better. You should print this up and show it to those people that hurt your feelings. It's called THINK BEFORE YOU OPEN YOUR MOUTH-I don't care how old they are, or what they do for a living. They need to think 1st before they talk.
I'm sorry they said that hurtfull c*** to you.

Glen

GlenJames@emailaccount.com

[vicrose]

Hi Jennifer...Like you, people used to make unkind statements in front of me..and I used to get really hurt..but my Italian adoptive mother taught me a very good lesson.....ignore them..they are nothing to you, they are not your family..and only your family counts. I got into a fight once, because a neighborhood girl called me an adopted b****, and then she started talking about how my real mother never wanted me...I was 10 at the time..and I remember going totally ballistic on her..I have never felt that type of rage..but I do remember that none of the neighborhood kids made fun of me anymore....but I am older now..and fighting is not the answer..so when I hear a disparraging comment..I just set them straight with a gentle voice..and let them know that I think they are talking straight from the horse's a**!! You see..people that don't know anything about adoptees or care about they're feelings will often speak from the horses a**!! Sincerely, Brenda....

[Isabella]

Jennifer, I hear you loud and clear! I am an adoptee and I can remember when I was young my adoptive grandmother said to me, "I saw a picture of a girl in a magazine today that looked just like you, it must have been one of your kin." It felt as though a knife went right through my heart. It was at that moment that I feared that I was somehow different than the other family members. Some years later I was at a family-get-together at my adoptive grandmother's house and she was asking all the family members what they would like of her belongings when she passed on. I spoke up and said that I would like some of her perfume bottles and some of the pictures of her and grandpa when they were young. Latter that night I over heard my adoptive aunt say to another family member, "Why does she want the pictures? She doesn't look like them and she can't compare them to her children." It was at that moment that the fear that I was different was confirmed! Now, forteen years later, I realize why my adoptive parents never liked liked my aunt and why we hardly ever visited my grandmother!

[trunks888]

I cant begain to truly know how you feel but I do get an idea
talking about how i want to adopt a child .

People always say
That they would rather have there own and all this stuff
but you know blood only means so much..

If you love that child and raise it
Then there for it is your OWN child
I dont see why people put so much into blood matters.

Thats my feelings anyways.

Originally posted by Pianoteacher527
I have always felt that being adopted had such a terrible shameful stigma attached to it. It has always been such a shamrful closeted issue with me. People and their remarks will tear me apart. I am now 36 years old.

When I was little I got the comment: "She's your mom? Well, you don't look like her!! Were you like, adopted or something?" All this has really embittered me so much that I cannot tell anyone.

I have tried to have some acceptance of this issue, but it is nearly impossible for me. I would also get comments like, "You're just like their own, huh?" And I would turn around and say, "What do you mean LIKE their OWN? I am their OWN!" And I'd put the emphasis on "OWN!"

And I don't like hearing people say, "They had 3 natural children and 1 adopted." Why mention adopted? How about "They had four children?" What is the true difference anyhow other than genes?

Adoption is made to be something altogether different. It is as though you might as well be wearing horns on your head or something. And yet, I hear other parents in my family and otherwise that seem so proud to tell about it. How do they get their children to accept it without this STIGMA of people and their DUMB remarks?

Please reply and let me know what you have been through as a parent? Is anyone out there in denial also? If so, why? I'd love to hear from others! Thanks!

Jennifer

[jordie]

I used to hear stuff like this at school all the time from people because my teachers made a big deal out of my adoption. Now I don't tell anyone, I feel as if it's none of their business, regardless of how close they are to me. People equate the idea of being adopted with being unwanted/unlovable all too often.

Jordan M

[gmax28]

Well...it's people who accept this stigma that keep it going. There is nothing "wrong" with being adopted regardless of what some people may think. I have always known that I was adopted, but in my family, I have been the only one to make reference to it. I was never treated any differently than my older sisters; outside of being the only son of course. And all of my friends knew growing up that I was adopted, but it was never a big deal to them either. And that's the way it should be. I am no less a person for being adopted that what I would be had I not.

It is unfortunate those who tend to "tag" things, or categorize, are often the ones who become offended when they themselves get tagged. It is an unfortunate part of being human in our society. Adoption is a wonderful thing, but is marred by those who make it bad and perpetuate the "stigma." Being adopted is a state of mind, not a dictate or law of nature. Only you can make you feel less than a person by being adopted. All others show their ignorance, and stupidity, by thinking it to be shameful. I guess I have been fortunate and not ran in to anyone who thought such.

Do us all a favor, point out to people there is no shame in being adopted. It may just be the beginning of the end for this stigma you despise so.

[jm74]

I am blessed to have the family I have that adopted me, but there definitely is a stigma!! I hate it when someone finds out you're adopted and they feel sorry for you. I once had someone say:"Poor thing." That really IRRITATES ME!!!!! I am not a "poor thing" If you don't know how it feels to walk in my shoes, then please don't say anything......

[Pianoteacher527]

Originally posted by jm74
I am blessed to have the family I have that adopted me, but there definitely is a stigma!! I hate it when someone finds out you're adopted and they feel sorry for you. I once had someone say:"Poor thing." That really IRRITATES ME!!!!! I am not a "poor thing" If you don't know how it feels to walk in my shoes, then please don't say anything......

Thank you for your reply! That was a GREAT answer! It is so inexcusable for someone to say "poor thing," as though adoption means leprosy or something. If people like this would leave it alone rather than open their mouths, we'd be a lot better off!

Jennifer

[Justice]

The stigma is a harsh reality for me, my mother did not look like me, she was of another race, and some people of her heritage resent a mostly northern european child being raised in their culture and do not want me to be considered as one of them because of my lighter appearance.

[dpen6]

another old one that needs to be read again...I haad a co-worker tell me that she felt sorry for me....I was in my forties and was left speechless....umm...please don't feel SORRY for me...the best thing was done for me given the circumstances.


Donna

[Sandcrab]

You say you feel stigmatized.... I say you are an individual. You are who You are. It took me a long time to realize that because belive me I have had many a disscussion/arguement on "You don't know who you are".
But Oh; I DO! I am ME and I will always be ME as long as I don't know my background; I am still an individual of self worh and conscience. Believe in yourself. I have always felt as though that's all I have had at times. I know this sounds very self centered but.. I am one that has never had a REAL family. (EVER) I am an Adoptee 45 years of age and have made it thus far with alot of disfunctional issues. I am What I have made myself: I carry my head high and live my life the way I would want to live it. I don't care for my AM my AF is deceased. so ...... I AM ME! Learn to just love yourself and those who choose to love you back!!!!

[dl]

dpen6 ~

please don't feel SORRY for me...the best thing was done for me given the circumstances.

Same here!! Knowing our situations it's safe to say we both would have been a heck of a lot sorrier if we had NOT been adopted by the parents we were!!

I honestly never felt any stigma about the fact that I was adopted. I do agree with Sandcrab:

I say you are an individual. You are who You are.

This applies to everyone IMO ~ whether adopted or not. Learning the truth about my beginnings or my background did not change who I am in the slightest.

As Dr. Phil often says,

We teach people how to treat us

I would take gmax28's advice:

Do us all a favor, point out to people there is no shame in being adopted. It may just be the beginning of the end for this stigma you despise so.