[rafael]

I am a friend of an adult adoptee whom spent most of his life worring wondering about his bio family. i spent 5 years trying to help him locate his family he has 15 brothers and sister somewhere. well anyway after 5 years i recieved an e-mail and found two brother one of age one under age. the e-mail consisted of the e-mail add of coarse and a phone #. before telling the adoptee i found the brothers I took it apon myself to call the number so i could see what the reaction was going to be before I placed this young man under any more stress. Anyway when i called the adopted mother of the two brothers at first was very cooperative and stated that rafael can call his brothers. then she called back and asked me not to in fear that the underage brother whom just found out he was adopted now wants to find his family will run away to be with his brother? she said she needs time to think and asked me not to say anything to rafael. I was a foster parent myself and had alot of teenagers, and I can not understand why this adopted mother is so worried and would Isolate them from each other? i then asked if it would be ok if the of age brother can speak with him and she said no for he would tell the younger brother. problem is i already e-mailed the oldest and told him im a friend of rafaels and that i want him to know rafael is fine. now the boys keep e-mailing me. i told rafael i found two brothers possable 4 but that at this time would not give him the e-mail add or the phone # until i get permission from the adopted parents out of respect. i am just confused though if these children have physcological issues related to being removed schitzophrenia, bilimia ect.. that this adopted mom wouldnt allow them to speak together. What is she afraid of really? As a foster parent and one who has custody of others children i never kept them away from contact with their familys. i believe by allowing them to have contact they bond better with me and trust me and can figure out for themselves who their parents really are rather than hear say. Now if the parent would harm them than no I wouldnt. can some one give me advice am i not seeing something here. eventually if this woman wont allow contact when the younger boy turns 18 she will lose him anyway for he will leave to look for his family and the 19 year old why cant he talk to his brother???? confused

I am in a similar situation. I have a sister who was adopted that I am trying to reconnect with. Well, she is 17, so I asked her adopted parents for permission before attempting to contact her personally. They said they do not want me to meet her now, and want me to wait until she graduates high school.

At first, I was very hurt and did not really understand their motivation for keeping us apart. However, her parents were very kind to me and tried to explain why they made that decision.

Their reason was basically that the teenage years are not usually easy. My sister has been on and off rebellious, as many teens are. I think that they worry that she could use the "you're not my real family" argument against them when things don't go her way and that she could do something irrational, like run away to be with me (which would not be good, as in the next year I will be living far away from them for school).

Another argument is that they don't want her to be distracted from completing school. Maybe part of it is that they have gone this long having her all to themselves, that they just want to finish out her childhood that way. I don't know.

There are arguments I could make for them allowing her to see me: as an older sister, I could potentially be a role model for her. Also, if she finds out that I tried to contact her and her parents turned me down, she will most likely be angry at them.

But in the end, I have to respect their decision. Any good or bad consequences that come from it are on them, and I can live with the comfort of knowing that once she turns 18, it is okay for me to contact her.

Do you know how old this underage brother is? If he will be of age soon, maybe the point isn't worth arguing. I think maybe you should ask the mother to explain her decision a little more. Maybe there is something going on with him that you don't know about. It would also be a good idea to explain to her how you already contacted the older brother and you can't really take that back, and ask her what she would like you to do in that situation.

I hope that everything turns out okay! It can be hard to understand what people on the other side of the issue might be dealing with when you're so excited about a reunion.

[rafael]

well as i said the lady was very nice, see the younger brother is only 15 but the other one is 19. dont get me wrong i do understand her worries but it is sad that even though one of the boys is of age that he cant even talk with him because it will effect the younger brother. i would like to find all the rest cuz out of 15 im sure rafael is not the oldest as thought. the adopted mom now wont let them use the home computer and or the library so the boys are writing from school computers which i told them to please not do anymore for I will not respond. Oh I was straight up with her that day i told her I already e-mailed the oldest (i would not keep that from her) that is proberbley why she banned them from the computer. Thanks for your post! I hope your reunion will be wonderful! Beautiful Picture Is that YOU or your sister?????? God bless

I hope you have better luck with the other siblings! I agree that it's too bad that the adopted mom is being so insistent. But even that won't last forever. At least you tried. I'm glad that Rafael has such a good friend!

Thank you for the compliment on the picture! That is me. My sister's parents did send me a picture of her though, and we both have our mother's smile!

[Sharon]

Reading all this, I can't help but wonder if the adoptive mothers described in the posts will STILL have a problem with contact, even after the adoptees are of age. After all, there's nothing magical about the age of eighteen. One day you're a kid, the next day a legal adult...but your emotions and your maturity level are still basically the same. I know that after the age of eighteen, the adoptive mothers will have no legal grounds to interfere or deny contact... but might they not still attempt to exert some means of control over the situation? True, the teen years are hard, and high school is important... but then, the young adult years are tough too, and concentrating on college is important... I can't really think of any point in life where distractions are welcome or convenient, at least from a parent's point of view. As long as everyone is being civil, I guess you are right to respect the adoptive mom's wishes... as long as she understands that there are limits to how long you intend to hold off. Best of luck to you all, Sharon

Sharon,

I agree. I have a few concerns that once my sister is of age, her adopted parents will still want to be controlling of the situation, and that there will probably never be an "ideal" time to bring such a distraction to her life. But they have been very kind in our interactions, so I'm trying not to worry about that for now. I do worry about how my sister will feel if she finds out I tried to contact her and was denied. I am as of yet unclear as to whether her parents will be honest about that once they decide to tell her about me. I just don't want it to come between her and her parents.

The main thing that bothers me about not getting to meet her now is that she is making a lot of decisions in her life right about now, and from what I know, they are not always good ones. I guess I always kind of wonder if her meeting me would be an eye-opener for her, if maybe the things she is clinging to now in her immaturity would not seem as important. She's thinking about getting married right after high school I guess, and I wonder if part of that is the need to feel belonging. Maybe knowing that she has a sister would give her a sense of that. (I don't think she even knows about my existence.)

Also, I worry that if she is actually going through this marriage, that I would be coming into her life at a very bad time if I were to meet her right after high school graduation. And I would very much like to be at her wedding. It was very hard on me emotionally that she was unable to be at mine.

(As a side note, I do believe that my sister would desire contact with me, as 5-6 years ago she attempted contact with our birth mother...however, she was denied. I don't really understand what the change is between now and then, why they allowed her to attempt contact in an unknown situation, but won't allow someone eager to meet their daughter to even write her a letter. But again, that is their decision to make.)

[rafael]

I agree with you! Im not sure what the parents (adopted) are thinking. All the children I had from foster care and the ones I have custody of I would have went beyond to help them locate any family members. (that is if the family members would not cause them physical of mental harm) i think being an adopted parent and allowing contact with at least brothers or sisters gives the kids TRUST, and love for the adopted parents and respect. I am 43 years old and raised many children, I LOVE children and the children I have love me and their bio families. Whats wrong with that? Kids need all the love they can get. I try to be on a good note with bio family and often times when things come up like graduations birthdays ect.. I always invite their family memeber if they want. We all have good relationships together. i never had any of the children call me mom if they did not want too. i have always been know as auntie. LOL Im auntie to everyone. I believe a mother is someone who loves their children unconditionally wheather it be bio or adopted parent. The other night one of my kids graduated from high school and My dh and I and all my family went i also brought the childs bio mother with us. That night meant so much to her that all the people she loves were at her graduation. I will also be having a grad party for her and will be inviting any of her bio family whom would like to come. I will never try to keep a child to myself out of selfishness, or pose my self as the childs mother when I am not. My heart tells the child who I am. Thanks for your responce and good luck. God bless.

[rafael]

what you say is true. The child is not going to metamorphis over night actually i believe if the child knows they have bio or even if they know they were adopted they are curious to see about there past. Waiting till they are eighteen only postpones the inevitable,and could cause emotional harm, and places a wall between the adopted parent and the child. the child may have some anger toward the adopted for not allowing her the years she missed to talk or visit bio family. This is only my opinion and could turn out opposite, meaning the child may be in for a let down by bio family. but one way or another the child will always have the adoptive parent to hold on too.

[rafael]

larry, thanks for your responce. By all means i would respect the adoptive parents wishes. i am just curious to their reasoning for not at least allowing phone or e-mail contacts. I realise every situation is differant and am not talking about a child under age.
Although in some situation I dont see harm in that either. I think my point is why are the adopted parents of an of age child trying to keep them from locating a bio family member? The only conclution i can come up with (other than the bio family being VERY unstable in mind) is selfishness to try and keep all of the childs love for them. Even if the bio family is not all that if the child is of age then the child needs to find this out for themselves. I dont know confused. Just an opinion. thanks for yours! charlene
P.S. forgive the spelling LOL its EARLY!