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Originally Posted By Kathy

Five years ago my social worker contacted my BMother to let her know that I was hoping to reunite with her. she refused, saying she didn't want to go back to that time.

I registered on a web site two months ago, and two days ago I was given a call with my BMother's name... the next day I found her half brother, and her phone number and address.
I have bought a card, saying "Thinking of You" and plan to write her a letter, giving her a definate clue that it is from her daughter, but if anyone else were to read it, would sound like just an old friend catching up, in case she hasn't told her present husband her past.

If she doesn't respond, I plan to go ahead and connect with my half siblings... altho I don't want to hurt her (I am sure they don't know about me), I feel I have a right to know them, and they me.

My concern is... how do I fit into this newly found possible family...? I was legally given away... who are these half siblings... do I actually have a right to a connection with them... is blood thicker than water, and all that??

I need to find a support group in the Cornwall, Ontario area... to talk with others, who might have gone thru this...

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Originally Posted By Marlou Russell, Adoptee Forum

Dear Adoptee,
So many layers of issues in adoption, search, and the basic definition of family.

Since it has been five years since the social worker contacted your birth mother, you may want to recontact the social worker to see if your birth mother has changed her mind, left you a note in the file, etc.

If there is no note or change of heart that the social worker knows about, then your next plan of sending the "Thinking of you" card is a great idea. (Don't forget to put your name and address and phone on the inside of the card too).

I think 6 months is a fair and generous time to wait for a response from your birth mother after she receives the card. (Although that may seem long to you, sometimes it can take a really long time for a birth parent to address their feelings and respond).

After 6 months, you can re-assess how you are feeling and check in with your intuition about where to go from there and who to contact. It is usually best to go slowly and thoughtfully since contacting people beyond the birth mother and birth father is taking it upon yourself to present information that may be new. This is the point in the road where things can go so many ways. I'm glad you want to get in to a support group now so that you are prepared for whatever you choose to do.

You can contact Parent Finders in Canada. Their webside is www.parentfinders.org and they have groups in various cities. There are also lots of good books out there that can help you hear about other people's experiences and figure out what you might want to do.

In terms of where you will fit in with your birth family - I think all of us adoptees in reunion continue to try to find the answer to that one. It can change from day to day and visit to visit. I do know that most of the adoptees I know who have found their birth family do feel more grounded and connected, that they are a part, in whatever way, to their birth family. Just knowing information, faces, family history,etc. is a gift most adoptees are grateful to get. (Along with sometimes being angry that they are the ones who have to go get the gift!).

Good Luck with your journey.
Marlou Russell