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I'm hoping for some help on how to deal with a life changing situation. My husband of 1 month was just told by his parents that his father isn't his biological father. This information was kept from him for 40 years! His initial reaction was shock...there were no clues to indicate this. To make the situation harder, he was told who his birth father is. He realized that he went to school with 2 boys that were in actuality his half brothers... It's been 3 days since he found out the news, and has said some strange things to me. I'm sensing that he feels that he has lost his identity. He looks in the mirror, not really knowing who's looking back. I may not be explaining his situation well, but I guess what I am looking for, is how can I help him get through this? From past experience, I know that he wouldn't agree to go to a counsellor or any support groups. (Nor would he visit Internet sites)

I must include that his birth father and newly found out half brothers and sister live in the same town as us, and it won't be hard for him to find them.. and confront them. He has made steps in doing this already, and I am afraid he may be moving too fast.. Is there anything I can say or do for him to help him?

Thanks

"A loving wife"

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Originally Posted By Marlou Russell, Adoptee Forum

Dear wife of newly discovered adoptee:
Yes, it is really difficult and earth shattering to find out at age 40 that half of what you believe about yourself is not true. There are some things you can do to help your husband through this.

Asking your husband questions about his intentions and feelings will help him to slow down and consider what he is doing. Appropriate questions would be - What do you want to accomplish now? How will contacting your birth father and siblings move you towards your goals? What do you want to say to your birth father and siblings? Do you think they know the truth?, Are you mad at your mother and adoptive father for not telling you? What were their reasons for not telling you? What do you think they should have done 40 years ago? What can anyone do now? etc.

It sounds like it might be important for your husband to sort out who he may be angry at/hurt by. Why did he just find out this information? Did his parents just now tell him or did one of them die and the information was revealed to him? If there are other current events and situations occuring, then he needs to get clear about what his feelings are and what they are connected to.

The fact that he found out now at age 40 about the truth of his origins will make him angry and doubt a lot of what he has believed about himself over the years. It does take some time to integrate this information. In the adoption world he is called a late discovery adoptee (meaning he was told late in life versus as a child). There are some adoption internet sites that address this issue.

Continue to support your husband emotionally. It is fine for you to give him your feedback about what may or may not be appropriate. (For instance, it is appropriate to approach and talk with his birth father first. It is not appropriate to approach his siblings without trying to talk with his birth father first.)

Much of his anger should be directed at his mother and adoptive father for not telling him the truth. If there has been a recent family situation, he may not feel able to vent the appropriate anger and it may go to other people (his birth family members, you, etc.).

Although he may not have been open to getting help before, he may be with such a crisis. You could show him/tell him about some of the information you have researched for him to let him know that you care about him and that he is not crazy for feeling what he is feeling.

I wish you both the best.
Marlou Russell