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Originally Posted By Kathryn Petersen

I am in rewrite stage of a play that will be produced here in Pennsylvania this Spring. My main character is an eleven year old girl named Alex who was adopted into a very loving home at the age of one. Her fourteen year old brother is also adopted. I am trying to make Alex's emotional journey in this play accurate and am asking adoptees I know and those I don't for some help.

These are my questions.

When you were between the ages of 8 and 12, what thoughts and feelings did you have about your adoption? Did you think and fantasize about who your birthparents were? Did you wonder at all about why your birthparents gave you up? Did thoughts about identity surface and if so, how? Did any of these thoughts produce internal and/or external conflicts with your adoptive family?

Do any of the following metaphors resonate with what you felt at that time?
I feel a piece of me is missing.
I feel like I could or should disappear.
I feel like I have a hole in me.
I don't know what or where home is.
I don't know who I am.

I'd appreciate any response to the above. I know all experiences are different.
Sincerely,
Kathryn

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Originally Posted By Damsel Plum

Between 8 and 12 I thought a bit about my biological heritage. I asked my parents about my birthparents and they told me a sugar-coated story about young college kids in love who couldn't raise a child so they gave me to a family who wanted a baby but couldn't have one. My parents certainly didn't know any better than that, and I bought the story completely, although after searching I found out it was quite a different reality.

I know some adopted people were given shaming messages about their birthparents, even suggestions that the birthmother was a slut or no good ("You don't want to be like *her*!) but this was never the case with me. My fantasies were always idyllic. If anything, my birthmother was a princess or an actress or a rock star.

There were no negative feelings in my family about my being adopted, so it was hardly a preoccupation. My fantasies, when they occurred, were pleasant and benign. When I was a bit older, in my teens, I sometimes thought that people who looked like me might be blood relatives. My parents told me that if I ever wanted to find my birthparents when I got older they would help me, and they did. I decided to search when I was 26 and looking to start a family.

That's about it!

Damsel

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Originally Posted By Karen

Howdy there. Horay on your play. The metaphores you mentioned were not there for me a 11. Maybe now, at 24, and after the birth my son. Anyways, between the ages of 8 and 12, I used to get mad at my parents and tell them that I was going to run away and live with my "real" mom. Oh how that must have ripped my mom's heart out. She raised me, she's my real mom! I also used to dream that my mother was a princess, and that she had to give me away so that I would be safe from the evil prince who was trying to take over the kingdom. - sort of stupid, eh? Hey, I was 9. I also used to tell everyone that my natural father was little RIchard. Okay, I had no idea who he was. I happen to be caucasian, and couln't possibly be related to him, but hey, I was 9. Hope this info helps. Good luck with the play!

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Originally Posted By tj

I am so happy to read that someone is interested in the emotional turmoil experience by the children of adoption. I would like to add my thoughts regarding my feelings at about the age you are referencing. I always felt that I needed to be perfect, because if I was not, the thought was that I could maybe be sent away. I was conditioned to be grateful for the existence I had, and the belief that I was the chosen one was always there. I always thought that I could never do any search because to do so would be disrespectful to the parents who loved and raised me from infancy. Nevertheless, during my early adolescent years, I spent many hours dreaming of the perfect place where my birth mother must be, and that as a result of her selfless act, she became rich and famous, and that i somehow could be responsible for her happiness. I hoped that she thought of me often, and that she too would want this of me. I dreamed of the "perfect mother" and just knew that she was that. I was never angry at her for the decision, as I was eternally grateful to her for making sure that I was placed in a loving home.

  I never thought I would want to find her, because in my perfect world she could be anything I wanted. There was always the fear of a second rejection and reality is never as wonderful as fantasy. I finally became strong enough to overcome the overwhelming fear of rejection and just recently was reunited with my birthmother. The feelings of fulfillment are unbelievable, but the feelings of guilt and disrespect to my adopted parents somehow overshadow them. I am still trying to be the perfect child, and I am not sure if I will ever succeed. I am just sorry that I waited 42 years to do the search.

  As a child of adoption, I believe that survival through adolescence was due in part to being able to fantacize of the "perfect place" and go there whenever necessary for a soul. I believe I have finally found my soul. Thanks for the opportunity to write this down. Hope I helped your character.

Tj

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Originally Posted By Michelle

I was 10 when I was told I was adopted. I thought "gee neat" and went off to school the next day and told everyone. Funnily enough all the other school kids said "she's adopted" - it was like I had won a trophy and was special.
I was told my birth mother was very young and that was why I had been adopted. I always thought about my birth mother - who she was, especially what did she look like. I knew I was the oldest in my birth family - the youngest in my adoptive family. I never ever thought about my birth father - for some reason I just assumed he had skipped town! When I got in trouble and was angy with my adoptive mother I would say "I don't care, your not my mother anyway".
I've since found my birth family - my mother was pregnent 3 months after my birth and married my father - two years ago they divorced.

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Hi! I am only 13, but i have always had questions concerning my birth parents. I was adopted at a very young age and I know my adoptive parents love me a lot, but there is a part of me that just really wants to know my birth parents. At this point of time I only have a little information about them. I know that my birth mother was young and not married at the time of my birth. I know her last name and very little of her appearance. I would like to get a better understanding of her, so then I would know about the history and backround of my family. I'm not sure if I am too young to gather this information, but I would just like to know if my birth mother remembers me or if she has tried searching for me. At this time any information or help would be appreciated. Thanx!

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  Between the ages of 8 and 12 were kind of hard on me. It was not until recently (therapy) , that I realized how depressed I was at times as a child. Kids at that age are starting to really understand more about the world around them. Going into puberty, the worst thing to be is different in any way.

  I remember when I was in second grade we were suppose to make a family tree . Walking home that day I had never felt so alone before in my life , it was dark and gloomy and I remember thinking that was exactly how I felt. I had no one to talk to as my adoptive parents are not comfortable with the subject, it was understood that it was not to be brought up. My friends had no possible way of understanding what I was feeling . I had to make the tree . My adoptive mother was so uncomfortable with helping me on the project that it just proved to me that being adopted wasn't good. I felt like I was lying because the information on the tree was not really mine.

  To this day I get down around my birthday and dwell on the fact that I don't know who I belong to . I would day dream about my birth mother finding me and explain that she never wanted to give me up but she was forced to. In my dream she always looked like me, just older. She would hug me and all the dark clouds in me would just disappear , everything was bright and clear , peaceful, content. Then something would snap me out of my dream and the pain would roll in just like the fog.

  I did not know any other adoptees growing up so I was different than all of my friends . My personal opinion is that once it is known that a child was adopted , they are looked at in a different light. Even if it is never brought up it is always in the back of their ( kids, their parents, adoptive relatives) mind, that you are not a natural born child of the adoptive family and whether they know it or not they can't help but treat you different. Children are very good at sensing when people are uneasy around them . The tension is in the air.

  I started playing flute in 4th grade and that is how I would get my feelings out . I kept learning how to play more instruments to get out different emotions . I would practice for hours just to escape the loneliness I felt inside.

  Sorry , I didn't mean to ramble. I could go on for hours. I hope this helps. If you have any other questions I would be happy to answer them.

  Cheryl Hagan

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