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Originally Posted By Audrey Rannebarger

Please help! On April 28th I spoke to my birthdaughter for the first time in 16&1/2 yrs. Things were fine, we talked for 1&1/2 hrs. and she is wonderful(she'll be 18 in a few months).She e-mailed me twice and said she'd send pictures, but I have heard no more from her. I e-mail her often, Ive wrote her twice, also sent her baby pictures (I had her till she was 15mnths. old).Ive asked her in the e-mail what I did wrong and to let me know but still no response. What do I do? I don't want to give up, I love her. She said she hoped we could become good friends. Please, give me some insight, thank's.

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Originally Posted By Mary

I am an adoptee responding to this a little late because I was out of state visiting relatives this weekend. One of those relatives being my birthmom. We met 5 years ago & the communication between us has been far & few between. I knew she was going to be within visiting distance so we got together. Boy, are we both ever glad that we did. We had both been holding back. She because she didn't know if I was ready to hear certain things & was afraid of scaring me off & me because I sensed her holding back & would get angry when she would not respond. We started talking at 6p Sunday & she finally said "Well, I need to shut up so you can go to bed." since I had to make a 6 hour drive back on Monday-this was at 4a Monday. We had a wonderful talk & I think we both know where we stand in this whole thing now. I know that it may still get rocky down the road but I can deal with that now that I know that she feels comfortable to tell me more. I guess what i am trying to say is to give it time. This is a new concept for your daughter (I believe you said that you found her). Let her absorb it a little more. I am sorry now that I waited 5 years to do this but I also know that I was not ready 5 years ago. it was very hard for me to tear myself away. My b-brother was also there. I had not seen either one of them since we had met 5 years ago. Needless to say it was a GREAT weekend. My kids enjoyed also as they had never met her at all. My 19 yr old was fascinated with our similarities & kept staring at us & comparing. Hope I helped a little & like my mother said "Well I will shut up now.....

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Originally Posted By Marcy Axness

Audrey:
I agree with Mary to give your daughter time to take it all in; we adoptees are often quite adept at looking quite fine and happy and "glossy" as I sometime put it...while underneath we are utterly feeling lost. This may well be the case with your daughter. I would perhaps write her a note to this effect--that you understand what a huge thing this must be, that while you are looking forward to hearing from her you understand that it must feel like quite a lot on her plate. And then be as good as your word--ALWAYS BE THERE WITH AN OPEN DOOR FOR HER!! I think this has to be an unwritten rule for birth mothers, especially when it is they who find the adoptees: NEVER CLOSE THE DOOR. Primally, us adoptees on some level often feel like we were tossed away, rejected. The last thing you EVER want to do is to ever recreate that feeling in her, of being rejected or turned away.

I suggest reading some of the wonderful material available on the complicated aspects of reunion relationships; try Tapestry Books for some good ones. (Betty Jean Lifton writes quite eloquently on the subject; also, Jean Strauss' book on reunion is very good.) I have a tape entitled SMOKE & MIRRORS ~ WHY REUNION RELATIONSHIPS ARE SOOOOOOO TRICKY, available (either now or soon, I think) at this site's store, or on my own website (linked from my name in my bio on this page). My best to you in your unfolding reunion journey.