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Originally Posted By Heather

I grew up never knowing my birth father. My mother had always been real open with me about the whole situation and told me she understood why I would be so curious, but that my father never wanted to have anything to do with me. Recently I found him and I sent him a letter. I poured my heart into this letter explaining that I didn't want anything from him, I just wanted to see him and just know who he was. Well about 2 weeks after sending the letter, he called me. I couldn't believe it, my father was on the other end of the line.
Much to my surprise, he was very cruel. He said some very hateful and cruel things to me and told me that if I didn't leave him alone he would take care of this situation in his own way. I was very hurt and we argued back and forth until I just couldn't take it anymore and I hung up on him.
A few days after that he called again. He sort of apologized in a round-a-bout sort of way and told me that he was married now and had a family and his wife felt very uncomfortable about this situation and didn't want him to have any contact with me. He asked what I wanted from him and I told him nothing except to meet him and just know why he left me. I told him that when he wanted to be a part of my life for him to call... and I've never heard from him again. I feel as if this is still an unfinished chapter in my life and I still need closure. Part of me thinks he's a terrible person and I want to have nothing to do with him but the other part still wants to know, what could have been?? Does anyone have any good advice to give.....

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Originally Posted By Marcy Axness

Dear Heather:
This sounds like a very painful situation for you--I can understand how hard it is to have a father reject you, not only the first time, but now again. But as hard as it may be to do this, you must understand that it isn't really YOU your father is rejecting, since he doesn't even KNOW you. It is his IDEA of what you represent--responsibility, perhaps, or some aspect within himself which he distains--that he is pushing away. It doesn't make it easier to accept the fact that you never had a father and you never will (it is so hard to let that dream go, finally)...but hopefully it can help you reconcile the situation without losing your own sense of self-worth and "deservingness" of love, acceptance, valuing, etc.

If I may offer a specific piece of advice, I suggest NOT getting into any more of those arguements that you described having with him. You are both coming from such highly subjective places: what the "truth" is for each of you is very different, so how could either of you ever "win" and argument?? I also suggest finding an adoptee support group, even though this isn't a true adoption situation; you will find lots of reunion experience there, and some supportive souls. Best, Marcy