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Originally Posted By David

I am dealing with my first real loss. My first girlfriend. It has been harder than I thought, mainly because I am so unsure of what exactly is going on. The biggest problem I have in all of this is anxiety. I try to 'penetrate' it and to establish what it wants/ needs etc. but often this is very difficult - it is not something that I can put into words. Has anyone found a way to deal effectively with anxiety?
Take Care,
David

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Originally Posted By Damsel Plum

Hi there,

I assume you're writing this because you're adopted and you're wondering whether there's some sort of connection between feeling crushed losing a girlfriend and being adopted. There are therapists and adoption professionals who will tell you yes. I'm no psychological professional, I'm just another adoptee. My take on it would be to separate out the natural angst anyone feels losing a loved one from unresolved adoption issues you may have.

We all lose loved ones. It can suck. But we should all strive to be resilient and forgiving. One day someone else may lose us and likewise feel horrible. In the meantime, know that you are normal in your grief.

Regarding anxiety: exercise, eating well, drinking plenty of water, and keeping a journal are all supposed to help.
If you think you may have some serious problems (suicidal thoughts, cannot control negative thought, become immobile and unable to perform everyday tasks) - you should consult a professional. Ask your doctor. I'm sure someone on this board can give you more professional advice.

Otherwise, my unprofessional hope is that you can find hope yourself, be patient with yourself for the natural time everyone needs to grieve a loss, and that you continue to take care of yourself and pursue things that interest you. Exploring new venues may open up possibilities for fun and
new relationships.

Cheers,

Damsel

[Archive]

Originally Posted By Marcy Axness

Dear David:
You sound like a pretty thoughtful and insightful guy, describing how you try to penetrate your anxiety and find out what it wants/needs. I agree with everything that Damsel said, and would simply add the following:

We all suffer losses, adoptees don't have the corner on that market at all. What we DO have in common is that many/most of us suffered a pretty traumatic loss very early in our lives, and there can be physiological/neurological remnants of that trauma "stuck" in our autonomic nervous system. Any kind of "high-arousal" circumstance--positive or negative, like a relationship break-up--can kind of "set it revving" again: that over-amped feeling, that knot in the stomach, the organism's natural response to threat. Check out Peter Levine's website at http://www.traumahealing.com. His model, Somatic Experiencing, was incredible helpful to me in resolving this physiological piece. Good luck to you!
Marcy