[Walt Zumbrennen]

Do any of the adoptees here have any problems with relationships? I came across something called RAD (Reactive Attachemnt Disorder) and wonder if any of you have heard of it and if you have, are you in any therapy or something like that? I have been trying to find a forum for adults with RAD but the only sites I can find are for adoptive parents who have children with RAD.

I was adopted when I was seven or eight months old. I spent the first part in a Childrens home... When I was brought home my "mother" used to laugh about how I never smiled, laughed or rarely cried and I could stare down adults. I have never been able to have any lasting relationships and feel nothing for any of the people I have been involved with (including my own kids). I have been in therapy but the shrinks have not been able to help me any...

[sam_i_am_71801]

I hear ya, you don't want to know how many relationships that I have blundered. But I did. I push people away before they have the opportunity to leave me. Heck they were probably not going to leave but I didn't give them a chance. I do love my family deeply. And even if I do love the person that I am involved with I still push them out. Am Currently single and staying that way.......from now on.
For years I had the attitude that nothing lasts forever. Maybe it has something to do with being separated from my mother at birth. I just don't know. But to answer your question. I am one that can join the troops of unsuccessful relationships

[Walt Zumbrennen]

I agree with you, I have given up on relationships myself... Sometimes I don't think I even know what love or for that matter emotions are. I have read and watched enough movies and TV about "love stories" that I can "go through the motions" but there is nothing behind it. I do great in a romance as long as it stays long distance. But when we get together it goes to hell. My last "girlfriend" told me that she thought I was the most romantic person she had ever corresponded with (we met on the internet) and then after we met she told me "I thought my ex-husband was the most cold and un-emotional person in the world but you (me) make him look like a super loving person". Women want me to give something that I just don't have...I'm not going to say I have no emotions but I have shut them down so much that I might as well not have them. An aquaintance told me I would make a perfect Vulcan...all logic and no emotion.

Another thing is I feel or rather think that "If they love me they won't leave..if they leave they didn't love me anyway". I have tried to change my thinking but it comes back to this...

[sam_i_am_71801]

I know what you mean. On a personal note. I tend to dive into my work than to put efforts into something that I feel won't last forever. I keep my mind busy, basically to keep myself grounded.
I am however very sencitive to adoptees and birthparents. The pain of separation has been one that I experienced for many years. I will never forget that pain. That is why I am in the forums to try to help reunite others, who wish to be reunited.
I am not only in this forum but many other registries. I am now trying to find my adopted brothers birthparents.
We were torn from our mothers arms. This was tramatic. Infants do know what loss is. Some of us carry this all of our lives.

[Walt Zumbrennen]

I have tried to find my Birth Parents but kind ofran into a dead end... In my adoption papers every place there is a name it is cut out however someone wrote in pencil the name "Munoz". My Adoptive mother finally told me that my Birth Parents names (as far as she knew) was Ida Fae or Ida May (mae) and Peter Munoz. I did a search and found an Ida Fae and Peter Munoz but according to the family records there is no way I could have been their child... I was adopted back in 1951 so it is very hard to find any nformation and Montana is being a total jerk about releasing any information. So I have pretty much given up on my search.

[sam_i_am_71801]

Are you sure the spelling of the last name is Munoz? Could it be Muniz? let me know.......sam

[TeriBachMFT]

Walt and sam_i_am
I think most adoptees have difficulties in relationships. If you believe in the Primal Wound Theory, we are separated from our birthmothers at birth or soon afterwards and learn from that experience not to trust and that Love=abandonment. So we spend much of our lives (and relationships) trying to protect ourselves from being abandoned - by leaving first, not allowing ourselves to get too close, etc.

RAD is a pretty serious diagnosis which I believe gets overused. I think most adoptees have problems with attachment just because of our experiences. Good therapy can assist with the negative beliefs we have about ourselves and the world. A therapist knowledgeable about adoption/attachment issues is difficult to find, however. Please don't give up. There are therapists who are open to learning more about the issues and can still be very helpful even if they don't have a background in Adoption.

Best wishes.

[Walt Zumbrennen]

In answer to your question/responses:

The name is spelled MUNOZ...at least that is what is hand written in pencil by the "Baby (hole cut through paper removing last name)" on the adoption papers.. Whoever wrote it could have spelled it wrong.


As far as RAD or AD or any other acronym, I am going by what someone told me to have checked out...Unfortunately, I can't find any shrinks that are anything more than vaguely familiar with it. All I know is I have never been able to form any attachments to anyone. I have never had any close friends only aquaintances because for some reason I just can't let anyone get close to me. As for relationships, "When you say the first hello you begin to say goodbye". The longest relationship I have been in was my marriage and as far as I can tell it was over after 2 years, we just didn't get divorced till 16 years later. I ended up going into a major depression, went psychotic and I was put in a mental hospital when I tried to kill her and the kids, that was the last straw and we got divorced. I just couldn't take being married, my job, or life anymore. The relationships that I have been in after that have been anywhere from a month to almost a year. I could walk into a stadium filled with single women and immediatlly pick out the most emotionally immature, or psychotic, or insane, woman there and of course start a "relationship from Hell". I could keep Jerry Springer busy for a year with my relationships...

I feel like I have spent my life on the outside looking in. I really don't remember ever being happy or feeling much of anything for that matter. I am numb, dead inside. The only emotion I have been able to feel is anger.

[dl]

Relationship problems are not unique to adoptees. Personally know many people that have relationship problems, mutiple marriages, and have sworn off relationships that were raised by their biological parents. We read about celebrities that have relationship problems, short term multiple marriages, multiple divorces and remarriages that were raised in their biological homes.

If one is to say that the only reason an adoptee has relationship problems is a result of being adopted and their need to protect themselves from being abandoned, what would be the reason given for the many people raised in their biological homes for having relationship problems?

[TeriBachMFT]

You are right; adoptees certainly don't have the market on difficulties with relationships. However, I was addressing the problems that Adoptees DO have not that they are the only ones.

[dl]

Okay, we agree, adoptees are not the only ones with relationship problems. If we assume that the only reason an adoptee has relationship problems is due to the fact that they were adopted, what reason would be given for a person raised in their biological home for having relationship problems?

[Snackey]

there are no such things as "same exact problems." People canont be on healthy relationship levels for different reasons, whether they grew up in an adopted home or not. If someone truly feels like they have felt this "way" since they were children or young adults, it is worth something looking into regarding how you were raised or the fact that you were adopted. just like a person having relationship troubles since early adulthood might want to look at how the child was raised...in an alcoholic environment or what have you. A lot of problems adults have today stem from how they were raised. It is a fact...adoptee or not.

[sam_i_am_71801]

Each can only speak " to any accuracy" , of the miles that he or she has walked, in ones own shoes. I had known no other way of life than that as an adoptee. So when I speak, I speak only of my own feelings and experiences, and when I listen, I am afforded the gift of understanding. We are all unique.

[holiday]

I am a birthmother and have had my slew of relationship problems however, my family life wasnt the best and i have yet to see a happily married couple. I am not married yet-however I am giving the institution a chance this coming December. I understand the feelings behind abandonment-having two alcoholic parents-,neglect and abuse is an everyday occurance even if it is only done while under the influence. I think in this day and age of all these variables(adoption,alcohol,abuse,neglect etc. etc.) everyone feels like they are an outsider in there own relationships. With a 50-60 percent divorse rate-and a 40 percent infidelity rate who has a chance? I think these problems are only a part of the human condition and with that I'll jump in and hope for the best and stop blaming myself. Holiday

[debsdone]

Walt, please pm me. I was connected to a MUNOZ and am searching for a boy born in 1951. Thanks! debi