[Rayma]

I am an adoptee who was physicly, emotionly, mentaly and verably abused. I never boned with my afamily eighter.
I know that a lot of adoptees who were abused are too ashamed or embarrssed to talk about it.

I beleive we are a minority group that is being overlooked. And we need to SPEAK OUT!!! I think this issue should be dealt with.
rayma

[lovebugg]

I too was abused by my aparents verbally, mentally, and physically. they disrespected my bparents and they made me feel as if i was always a bad child.i believe we should speak out, and make the adoption angency dig deeper into the families.

[Rayma]

I agree. They should make people who want to adopt have a phyological test as well. We are not at fault they are! My amom told me horrable things about my bmom, as well. I wish more of us would speak out if for no more reason than peace of mind.

Thank You for speakng out.
rayma

[debsdone]

Hi, I am an adoptee. I was going to say this is probably the wrong place for this discussion, but the comment about potential a-parents getting tested makes it fit in. I was also abused, but I have a question or 2......
#1 What makes you think that adoptees have more shame about having been abused than bio children?
#2 Do you really think that a potential abuser would be revealed by testing?

I ask because I don't know. Personally, I don't think my being adopted had anything to do with the abuse I suffered. If I had been the biological child of my parents it would have been the same, perhaps worse. I seriously doubt my a-parents would have looked any worse as a result of any tests. They were "triggered" by events in their pasts as I reached certain ages. Anyways, my first question is the one I am really curious about. thanks, Debi

[lovebugg]

PERHAPS YOU HAVE A POINT DEB.BUT THAT DOESNT CORRECT THE PROBLEM. I STILL THINK THAT WE SHOULD DO MORE TO PROTECT THESE BABIES. I'M SORRY THAT YOU HAD TO ENDURE THAT TYPE OF PAIN.

[debsdone]

I agree 100% about protecting the children. I am just not sure it is an adoption issue. I would like to see something that protects ALL children. Look at foster care. Those children are there, to a large degee, due to abuse by their bio-family. It doesn't matter who does the abuse, it is all horrible. I am just having a hard time seeing this as an adoption issue. Love, Debi

[Rayma]

I've had 2 psyotheratis tell me that for adoptees to be abused is "not uncommon" in the contest of adoptee being abused by procentages more that bio childern. My amom abused her bio childern too, but in differant ways. Most of my abuse came from my retarded brother (being punshed and stabbed) his bio sisters were close to his age and where able to defend thenselves but he was a teenager when I was a baby. And he didn't use knives back then. Then when I complained about the abuse I got beat with a switch until I bled. Her bio children were mostly abused by her retared half sister. Mental problems run in the family.

I'm not sure how well psyological test will work. But it would weed out people like my afamily. And hopefully others who abuse or allow others to abuse their childern.

See she told me that the reason she got me was to take care of her and her retarded son until they died. I guess she eighter didn't want it put on her bio childern or she felt that they whouldn't or couldn't. But "because of the fact that she took me in when no one wanted me" (her words) I was soppose to be o gratefull that I would do that. I was also told that no one would ever want me. I was to never date. My life was to take care of them.



thank you for speaking up! And your questions.

rayma

[ladyjubilee]

Statistically speaking, there are fewer allegations of abuse in adoptive families and other types of families. See http://www.geocities.com/largefamilies2001/study.html .

So, while child abuse should NEVER happen--no matter how the family is formed--, it isn't true that families formed through adoption are more likely to experience abuse.

[Rayma]

Child abuse happens in all sorts of families. Its just the percentages. More adoptees are abuse than bio childern by precentage. One theraist flat out asked me if I was adopted. I am also awere that some of the children in fosterhomes are abused as well as in group homes.

A freind of mine use to work in a group home ( on wekends and sometimes at night) and tell me horror stories about what goes on there. One boy was being gang raped by the some of the other boys. That poor child was concidered too young to be in that home but there was no room for him at the home for boys his own age. So my freind allowed him to bring his matterise in her room and sleep (he asked if he could sleep on her floor - she had stopped his rape so she knew he was telling the truth. Her reported the rape and was told nothing could be done about it. The boys told on her for allowing the child to sleep in her room and they threatened to fire her. She explained that she was preventing him from being raped and that he slept on a mattise on the floor. But was ordered not to allow him in her room. Because it didn't look good. At a girls home one of the girls was prostatuting right in the house! She had the screen on her window torn off, the window open and their was a line of grown men out side waiting for their turn. My friend reported this...she was told that they knew but nothing could be done about it. Well my friend has a friend who is a police man and she asked him to stop by that house sometimes to chase the men away. She got in trouble for that! The state had hired this agency to provide homes for the children. The state said bacided on the agencies report that everything was OK. My friend was a disgruntled employee.

Yes, I'm concerned about all abused childern, but we do what we can. What can I do about the childern in these homes basid one second hand knowage? The person with first hand knowage did what she could and got no where.

Adult abused adoptees as a whole can bring our abuse to lite. Many people assume that because we were choosen that we had a good family life. I've had people say "Isn't that wonderfull" when I tell them that I was adopteed. Peaple in the medical profession never say anything.

Thank you for your commente and I hope to hear form you and others soon.

Take Care, rayma

[ladyjubilee]

Originally posted by Rayma
Child abuse happens in all sorts of families. Its just the percentages. More adoptees are abuse than bio childern by precentage.

Again, this simply is not true. Statistically, when consider as a percentage of allegations of abuse compared with the percentage of the population, children in adoptive homes are *less* likely to suffer abuse than in the general population. This figure includes children adopted at older ages--who because of their special needs are more likely to suffer abuse.

No offense, but stating an untruth multiple times does not make it a truth.

[Rayma]

I am going by what I was told. I never stated that I know this for a fact. I do not have the sutistices, I wish that I did - but there never will be any if we don't speak up. Maybe both psyocalogist were speaking from personnal experience. Wouldn't that be a quencidence! They don't even live in the same part of the state and the second one told me that she had never heard of the first.

I know that many adoptees have very good homes. And I'm glad about that. But a minority was abused, some the bio childern were abused as well, like in my case but I got it much worst, and am the only one in the family with post traumtic stress disorder to prove it. I am also the only one with scares.

Your right repeating it over and over again does not make it true. But neigher does dening it. You never said which part of the adoption triade are you in?

Thank you for your imput.

rayma

[debsdone]

Rayma, you have been posting with "ladyjubilee", not me. My name is at the head of the posts, but I haven't been here. That said, if you are discussing abuse that happens in a "group home" how does that reflect adoptee abuse? I would suggest you use the link that ladyjubille provided in her first post and read the statistics. I am not exactly sure what you are saying, but I believe ladyjubilee provided a link that will support what she is saying, she isn't simply repeating herself. And it seems to me that kids in a group home have been somehow abused or abandoned by their birth families and so their abuse happens before their adoption. but that part I am not sure about because I don't really understand what you are saying there. Debi

[ladyjubilee]

Rayma,

I do not deny that abuse occurs.....What I deny is the statement "Its just the percentages. More adoptees are abuse than bio childern by precentage." I encourage you to read my post. Do you see any statements like, "Child abuse never occurs in adoptive families" or "No adoptive parents abuse their children"? In fact, I actually believe that EVERYONE has the potential to be a child abuser. I don't believe that child abusers have some psychological marker that would show up on a test----because we'd all have that marker. Anyone of us has the potential to cross that line--whether adoptive parent, foster parent or birth parent.

I don't quite see the coincidence in professionals believing what was once a common theory. That common thread is why researchers got out there and did the work....one of the stated "purposes" was to see if what everyone "knew" was really true.

If we quote statistics to rally the troops, we need to be certain those statistics are accurate.....but if they aren't, we may be using round peg to fill our square hole----then the actual problem will just get worse while we pound that round peg.


Also, as Deb pointed out, group homes are not adoptive placements, so violence in a group is not an example of abuse in adoptive families. The link I provided does not address violence in group homes, however, the research referenced in the link does. I'll be honest, violence in group home and even foster care placements is a difficult issue to address---its one of those situations where there just aren't any easy answers. Children who have experienced abuse, particularly sexual abuse, often reinact those behaviors (as in the example you gave).....which means they often abuse others. Victim victimizes victim....which means no easy answer. Yet at the same time, whatever answers might help in the case of a group home, would probably not address abuse in adoptive families (meaning child on child abuse is a different issue than adult on child.)

You asked what part of the triad I am...well, I'm not. I'm just a prospective adoptive parent. Of course, which part of the "triad" I belong to doesn't really impact my ability to go to the library and read statistics

[Rayma]

You've made some good points. I have not read your thread yet but I intend to. I have not gone to the library because I am disabled and have no trasportation. I wish I had a way to get there, a library is one of you favorite places to be and I'm new to the internet. It seems every time I try to do research on the internet I cann't find anything!

I did not mean to compare group homes with adoptees I was showing that I was aware that abuse comes in all fourms in all types of "familys".

I was not aware of any data on adoptee child abuse. It just seems to me very few want to own up to it. Even tho it is never the childs fault. I have spoken to aodoptees who seem to be ashamed of it.

I'm not ashamed, I'm hoping mad. I have been though therapy so I understand some things better, but I never stopped being angry.

I feel better when I vent. Do you beleive that a responcable person whould have ever put me in that home, if they knew what was going on?

The reason why I asked what part of the traid you were, is I thought that you may be feeling guilty for giving your child up or you are a good aparent and didn't like that I was saying that the abuse was going on more than the general public beleives. I have met a lot of people who beleive that if you were adopted at birth your childhood was grate. And I get tired or hearig things like that.

A balenced veiw is needed.

But I stil beleive the adoptees who suffered child abuse should speak out. Bio childern are speaking out now so why shouldn't we?

In my case I honestly do beleive at least some of the abuse was because I was adopted and there were abusive things said that hurt worse because I was adopted. My amom's bio childern were alowed to have friends, and to date, they got married (all but Larry, he's in a home). I was not even allowed to play in the back yard, when we lived in the city.
Is that normal behavior?

My goal is not to just be a survivor but a thriver! And with a lot of work it will. With having post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) from childhood abuse it is imparative that I keep telling people about my abuse in order to get well. People who have PTSD are porn to be mass murders and to commit suiced. Talking is part of my therapy. I have the latest litature on PTSD and the personnal experience. I go to the V.A. and they know more than most about PTSD than most others do - they deal with it everyday. And I'm around people with PTSD who I've talked to.

And don't others who were abused need to tell about it so it does not eat them up inside? Don't we all have the right to own yourself and our exeriences no matter how unpleasent? No I do not know how to stop child abuse but who does? Do you? At least I made a subjestin. It may weed out some people, it would never work for everyone.

Thanks again for you comments, you keep me on my toes and thats good! Hopefully I'll get better at useing the internet soon.

rayma

Hello, I'm just responding to tell you all that I'm shocked and appalled by your stories. I'm so sorry this happened. It makes me terrified for my son who was adopted years ago by a couple who broke off contact without explanation. As terrible as it is, I agree with Debi on both points: it's probably no less devastating to be abused by your biological parents than by your aparents...I mean, at some point they're not parents of any kind, just monsters. Have any of you considered bringing charges against the people who did this to you? I also agree that there really isn't any test or evaluation that would weed out potential abusers; I sure wish there was. Our world might be a much better place to live. I hope you have all received some kind of counseling to help you deal with this. I wish you the best of luck, Sincerely, Ivy