[sspete]

As a bmother to a precious 19 year old daughter it truly breaks my heart for each and every one of you that has been abused! This would most assuredly had been my worst nightmare for my bdaughter. When a bmom makes the painful choice of adoption for her baby it is done so out of love for the child. There is a great desire in her heart for this precious one to have everything she could not give him or her. Unfourtunately, there are some very messed up people in this world, and it is taken out of the innocents of our society! If only they could see what they do by abusing those that love and trust them. These are wound that sometimes never heal!! My blessings and prayers go out to each and everyone of the adoptees on this board. My heart beats loudly for you. You are truly a special bunch!!

[Rayma]

I know that that is the feeling of most bmom's, the love and wanting a better life for their child. And I'm happy that many do get good, loving parents. And I hope your's did too.

MY bmom choose the family she gave me too ad even gave me the name they wanted me to have. Both mom's even went places together a couple of times when I was an infant. So she know who she was giving me to. My amom abused her own children as well, I just got it much worse than they ever did. When we talk about our childhoods it sounds like we were raised by totaly different people.My amom's children where much older than me. So if she looked around at all she had to know that she was giving me to an abusive person.

I am just trying to educate people, that these kind of things are going on. Not every one who is abused gets Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD. Do you know what PTSD realy is?

It's both a psyological and biochemical illness. It is a "normal reaction to an abnormal amont of stress". These are life treatening or otherwise overwhelming stressful situations. There is full-blow ptsd (that's what I have) and partial ptsd.

If anyone wants to know more about PTSD, I'll be glad to answer any questions...

I wish that no one ever experiened any form of abuse, but that is not the case.

I beleive that they should at least try to make sure that the children will never be abused, although, they should make more of an effort. And stop woring so much about age, and the health of good, loving people who want to adopt. I believe that only God can make it stop, that it is part of his purpuse.

[Rayma]

deb,
Thanks for telling me.

[debsdone]

Well, it seems that as an adoptee posting here in this thread, we make ourselves and our most painful and personal truths available to some who would use anything at all to attack us. Today I was accused of being disloyal to my parents due to what I have posted. It came from a birthmother who has also accused me of being "callous" for not searching until I was in my 40s. While it is often said that talking about things is good for us, I suppose that some believe they are the only people allowed to have "suffered" I removed information from another thread for the same reason, what can possibly be done to allow us the safety to express ourselves? I am considering deleting all my posts from this thread, and have not only because of dear Rayma. Any advice about this? Debi

[Rayma]

Deb,
It is my opion that people who treat others like that are crule and should not interact with adoptees. Because almost all adoptees have pain due to being adopted.

Have you reported them to the forum personnal? THEIR post should be removed and perhaps they should be cencered, due to being hurtfull.

I think they should be reported and let things fall where they may.

If nothing is done about them, you'll just have to not read anything they say.
I was under the impression that this was suppose to be a safe place to talk.

Telling what you have been throw should not only be able to help you but others like us.

Don't let them take your "power", the only way they can hurt you is if you give them the power to do so. So stand tall and proud, your a sweet, loving (and lovable) person who has a lot to give and we need you as much as you need us (abussed adoptees).

I know you're going throw a bad time right now, but you have a "personal Bill of rights". You may never have heard of it, so I will post it for everyone.

Copy it and put it in a place where you will see and read it often. Maybe that will help you feel stroger. You are stronger than you know, you've proven that. You just need a confendence booster and a "I do't care what they say atitute".

Love and Prayers, Rayma

[dragonfly13]

I too am an adoptee who suffered physical, verbal and emotional abuse. I not only suffered this abuse from my a-parents, but suffered emotional abuse from my siblings. My a-mom told me during an argument that I was adopted, I was only 7, and why we were arguing I dont recall, but I do recall her getting very upset and letting it all out. From there my sibs found out and it was an every day thing to be told..."send her back where she came from...she doesn't belong here with us". This was normally followed by "if she doesn't straighten up, we will do just that". My a-mom told me horrible things about my b-mom. Many of the things she said I can not mention in a public forum. My a-sister never until a year ago introduced me to people by saying this is my sister, Dawn..it was always ...this is my sister, but she was adopted. My a-sibs NEVER got hit on like i did by our dad, or emotionally tore up by our mom. I often wondered if I was just That bad, or if it had anything to do with being adopted. I never felt as if I belonged with them, and do not feel that i was treated as "equally" as my a-mom insists us kids were. I must also add that I was adopted before my a-sibs were born. I was told by my a-parents that they adopted cause they were told they couldn't have any children of their own. Over the years I have wondered why someone could "hand pick" a child and then treat them like crap. I must admit that now my relationship with my dad is MUCH MUCH better, and the hate I once felt for him has been replaced by love. Things with my a-mom are far from good, and we are still on rocky ground. She blames my b-mom for all the problems we have. Funny thing though..she treats my children, her grandchildren different then she does her bio-grandchildren. Is this common with anyone else. Sorry if I sounded like I was whining about my situtation, but i saw these other posts and apparently needed to vent a little. Thanks for "listening". I wish all of you the best.
Sincerely
Dawn

[debsdone]

Rayma,
Thank-you for your concern! that was a bad day when I posted. the person I was referring to has been banned. Although she has created about 4 new identities, she has been banned in each one, as she stays the same nasty person!
Things are actually good for me these days! I am looking forward to spending time with my children on Mother's Day, and even my parents! That brings me to my next point.....

Dragonfly......So sorry about your lousy situation. An interesting little factoid..My brother and I are both adopted, and not biologically related to one another. while I was occasionally beaten and verbally abused, my abuse was mostly neglect, as my parents gambled and were ALWAYS away doing just that! My brother, as far as I know, was never beaten. And although I developed the classic co-dependent "people pleasing" qualities that have been discussed on other threads, he never did. Priority on the male child was something I always considered was happening due to my parents very minimal religious beliefs, but I don't know for sure.
Another thing is, our adoption was NEVER mentioned as a form of abuse. I personally believe that would have been too hard on my mom. Her "parenting" was nothing more or less than what she was taught. Same with Dad. Frustration with my "teenaged" stuff proved too much to handle, and that is when the beatings began. Prior to that it was a slap here and there. I think, to some degree, that was even somewhat acceptable back then!
Horrible, but yet it seems each situation is so very different! Love, Debi

[dragonfly13]

Debi,
You dont know how glad I am to find other people out there to talk to who have gone through similar things as i have. I have just recently told my a-parents that i am searching for my b-mom/family. They seemed supportive at first, but now i feel they are hiding things from me. I suppose it is because they dont wanna look like liars when the truth finally does come out. I wish I could get past the resentment I feel...especially toward my a-mom. Do you hold any resentment for the way you were treated? Is that a completely stupid question? Thank you so much for sharing your story.
Many blessings to you
Dawn

[tlee70]

The name of this thread is "adoptees who suffered any form of abuse from afamilies or never bonded with them"

Since I fall into this category, I would like to put my 2 cents in.

I am an adoptee that suffered physical, verbal and emotional abuse from my aparents. By the time I was 15, my parents had split up and I was supposed to live with my afather (who was the most abusive). So, at that time I left and have been on my own ever since. The emotional scars from being abused as an adoptee are very traumatic. IMO even more so than a child that is abused in a biological family. The reason why I say that is my opinion is because, adoptees have to deal with the rejection of being given away at birth (most adoptees don't know these reasons for many years) and then they contend with the abuse and rejection of the aparents. It is a double wammy! Now, I'm not in any way trying to minimize abused children with their biological parents, I'm just trying to give some of you some perspective from an adoptees point of view.

Well, Dragonfly I can totally relate to your situation, because I've lived through the same thing. I also grew up with sister/brother that were their own biological children. I can tell you I definately was not imagining the difference in treatment, which still goes on to this day. I know that some people may say that how can that be? But, it was very evident in my adopted home.

In my particular case, I was supposedly "handpicked" by ministers. I was also told that I was adopted by my sister when I was 7 years old, and was made to feel ashamed of it. I was not allowed to ever speak of it. What a shame that there were not better screening tools back then.

The abused adoptee, in my opinion also has to contend with the fear of additional rejection upon doing a search for birthfamily (as if they don't have enough to work through already). I upon finding my b/m was dealt with this additional rejection. Now, I ask you, how much rejection does it take for someone to feel they have no self worth??? Anyway, I'm not trying to say "poor me", but I sometimes get upset when reading these posts. It upsets me when people in this triad minimize adoptee's pain. (not matter what the circumstances are with thier aparents).

The one thing that I can say, In my situation, is that I have never blamed my birthparents for my hardships


T

[Rayma]

Dawn,

It's terrable when things like this happen and I understand your pain. I was physicaly, emotional, verbably, and mentally abused. To have being adopted held over you everyday, and be treated differently than the bio-childern is unexcusable. Don't let anyone tell you different, you were abused. Verbal( or mental) abuse is just as bad as physical abuse.

I had always believed that some a-parents treat the adopted child different than bio-childern. This is proof that I am not the only one.

I have heard of the a-parents being told that they couldn't have childern, then; after adopting, they find that they can have childern. Sometimes they resent the adopted child and sometimes they treat the adopted child like there bio-children.

I beleive (I have no proof to back this up) that, in some cases, the adopted child can't be loved as the bio-chilern. Before coming to this forum I thought that this was true all the time. Now I know better. I had made my concusion based on my own personnal experience.

Take care and get help in healing your wounds. There is a depression forum, and a post traumatice stress disorder forum, for any adoptee who has problems related to stress, exspectaly if the stress is related to a childhood trauma. Like you were axposed to.

If you want you can go to adoptees experiences and read my story. Read some of the others as well, and you will find others who have suffered from their adopted parents actions as well along with some good experiences. And place your own story if you want to.

I think that more adoptees should speak out about their being abused by their a-parents so the public will know and maybe there will besome changes made to ensure adoptees will not be abused.

I'm glad that you posted. We abused adoptees need to help each other, if only ofering a symaphice ear by someone who has been there.

Take care and work on your healing.

Rayma

[dragonfly13]

Rayma,
I too am glad that I posted. It took alot for me actually do it....not sure why. I have been seeing a therapist for a short while now, trying to get through everything. And one thing that my therapist pointed out was that everything negative that was going on in my life seemed to lead back to my a-mom. Funny how I never really look at it that way, but I have thought about it alot lately and that is where some of my biggest issues lay. I have to say that I hate the fact that anyone else has gone through what I have, but I dont feel so alone now. If that makes any sense at all. It is a shame that anyone has to go through any form of abuse.
I dont now, nor will I ever blame my b-mom for the choice she made for me. My a-mom would like me to believe that all of my abandonment issues come from my b-mom, but I dont know how she can say that when she has emotionally abandoned me. I have chosen not to believe what my a-mom has said about her, as she claims she never knew her. I feel attacked whenever she says anything negative about my b-mom. Do you suppose that is "normal". As bad as it sounds...and it does...i am almost glad at times to see my a-mom worry about me abandoning her if i find my b-mom, yet at the same time i feel guilty about feeling that way. Makes me feel like i am sinking to her level. Once again, I apoligize if it sounds like I am whining. I am pretty emotional and find myself crying right now. Just want to thank you all as this is the first time I have not felt absolutely alone with what i have gone through.
Love
Dawn

[tlee70]

Dawn

I'm so glad to hear that you are getting counselling. I have had many years of it. Don't give it up! You may think down the road that you are dealing with it fine, only to have something "trigger" you again. That has been my experience anyway.

Crying is good, it helps to release all of your pent up confused emotions. I do this once in awhile too. It is very overwhelming at times dealing with all that we as abused adoptee's have gone through. Just remember, you have worth to many people, even though there are some that don't see it, or choose to tell you don't. It is their own inadequecies that make them lash out at you. It is their insecurities as a person that make them want to heap the pain and guilt on you. Have pity for them for all that they lack. I have found that having this approach to my feelings about my adoptive family helps me to feel less wounded by their words and actions.

T

[dragonfly13]

Tracy,
Thank you for writing. I feel truely blessed to have found you all. I appreciate you reminding me that i have worth to others, sometimes it is easy to forget or lose sight of that. It almost seems to me that just in the few short posts i have written and read, that i feel better then I do when talking to my counselor. Maybe because you all can relate. Thanks so much..
Love, Dawn

[debsdone]

There is another thread I should post this on, and perhaps I will, but first I want to share it here. speaking of crying, and also of getting angry.........I believe within ANY strong emotion is a lesson and a tool. If we can learn to really pay attention to the things that seem to "trigger" us, good or bad, we can discover things about ourselves. First comes discovery, then comes healing, or even just managing!
Keeping check on what causes strong emotions in me here on these forums, has taught me much about myself. and it has also helped me learn what my natural defenses are, especially when they are not of a healthy kind!
For whatever it's worth! Love, Debi

[Rayma]

Dawn,
Tracy made some very good points.

Have you been deignosed with Post trumatic stress disorder (ptsd) ? It sounds like you may have it. I recomend the book "I Can't Get Over It - A Handbook For Trauma Suriviors, second edition - buy Aphrodite Matsakis, Ph.D. a specialist in ptsd.

I just got another one from Barns and Noble in the used book section for less than ten dollars for my bio-neice, she says that the book is new and that it is helping her a lot. She is not adopted.

The book price didn't include s/h. There were a limited number at that price. That was the lowest price I could find. It was not listed as the second edition, but it's the same book.

Continue with your therapy and their are meds to help, but that is a personal choice. Some choose alternative treatments, some meds, then others choose nothing. Therapy amd taling about it is how you get better, even if you don't have PTSD.