[y2jasmine]

Posted this in another forum too...but thought I'd post it here too.

Hi everyone...I'm actually from Canada so I hope my terms make sense to people here.

DH and I were approved for fostering in March. Our first placement is two boys - 9 and10 - who we have had for a little over a month. They have been in care for quite a while...but this past time were apprehended from their birthmom home. Anyhow, they were supposed to be in care for 3 months before a court decision was to made about whether they would become Wards of the Crown (not sure of your wording...but it means they are available for adoption). The boys knew this...somewhat. They do continue to talk about going home. Well, birthmom messed up...she hasn't been in town for over 3 weeks and they really don't know where she is and when she is coming back...she missed the youngest's birthday...she has missed 7 visits. BF is not in the picture...he is court-ordered not to see the boys. So now after only a month they were declared Wards of the Crown. Kids are getting told on Friday this by SW and we will have to obviously have to console them. Any advice on what to say?

Also, DH and I are in the process of being approved for adoption. Kids have some idea this happening...however we are not looking to adopt the boys. We are looking for a girl - 3 years of age or less. How can we explain this to the boys if they ask? I'm worried they might ask...they have in the past asked FH "are you going to adopt us?". But, he didn't know what to say so he pretended he didn't hear them (they were in a car driving and I guess the boys believed him).

Another sad part to this story is that in previous foster homes the boys were not the best kids. There was problems with not listening, bullying, fighting, etc. Since they have been with us...the boys have been totally different. Everyone is amazed...they are waiting for the boys to be bad...waiting for the grace period to be over. But, after 6 weeks it hasn't happened. They are just wonderful...they help with housework without us asking, etc. We are worried that they will not become adopted for a very long time...which means that after we are approved for adoption (probably by this fall according to SW) and after we have our little girl; they will have to be moved to another foster home and then maybe another and another. We are so sad for them...we know their record about being so bad. They are also Native (aka First Nation aka Aboriginal) which doesn't help much.

Sorry for the length...lots of issues.

[Mom2CC&KK]

Just curious, why aren't you considering adopting the boys? Are you willing to keep them until another adoptive family is found and put your plan for a little girl on hold? I feel they will be negatively affected by a move and even more so if they know they are leaving so someone else can come. Is there room for compromise?

[y2jasmine]

Well, it's now a few months later and we've had the boys about 16 weeks now. They are still great! Their teachers, principal, and workers are all amazed at their progress with us.

WHICH is why...we have recently been told that they may be able to stay with us even after we adopt our little girl! We have 4 people all for this. If so, that would be great for the boys! They also said that IF they have to leave, they would more than willing place them with us after our 6 month is up (we are not allowed to foster for 6 months after we get our adoption placement).

To answer your questions Mom2CC&KK...
Although the boys are wonderful we have always wanted a girl. We have had long talks about whether to adopt the boys and have come to the realization that eventually we would only like to adopt 1 child...a girl...and don't want to settle for 2 boys just because they are wonderful. It's just not our dream... HOWEVER, we would love to keep the boys as long as we can and have even talked about when they are grown up and reach the age of 18.

Since we may be able to keep them after we get our adoption placement, our mood has improved. BUT, the final decision will be left up to the head of Child and Family services in our district.

[monroeman]

You know, I try to be cautious in giving advice in this forum. I try to speak from experience and what I know, and to avoid simply sharing opinions or being judgemental. Still, I'm not sure exactly what will come out here since I can't quite get a grip on how I feel about your post.

". . . and don't want to settle for 2 boys just because they are wonderful. It's just not our dream... HOWEVER, we would love to keep the boys as long as we can and have even talked about when they are grown up and reach the age of 18."

Settle??? Not your dream??? Do you really understand what you are saying? Do you really hear yourselves?

What about the dreams of two little boys to formally and permanently be part of a family? Belonging is one of the greatest human needs. I may be missing something, but if you have no intent to adopt them, let them get out of your home and on to somewhere else where they might have a chance. If you feel that it would be "settling" to include them as family then you can say that they are "wonderful" all you want, but they will still get the message that they are second class citizens in your home.

No more playing deaf in the car, or anywhere else for that matter. You've told us, so tell them. The next time they ask if you are going to adopt them go ahead and tell them no, and then share the reasoning that you shared with us.

Well, I think I know now how I feel about your post. I know that this won't do anything to improve your mood, but I honestly can't understand your attitude toward these boys. I'm not saying that you should or have to adopt them, but something has got to give.

[Vince]

Courage, Jasmine. A lot of foster parents are in your situation. In many ways, adoption is a bigger step than marriage; you also have to put more in and get less out.

We dearly love our eight year old foster son, and he might be with us for another ten years. But we are not going to adopt anyone.

You and your husband are kind, caring parents who have done a wonderful job for these boys. It really sounds like God sent them specifically to you. But no one is under a moral obligation to adopt
a child.

The future is too long and difficult to predict. Currently, all four of you are doing well. If it were me, I would continue to do well and deal with the future whenit gets here.

How do you explain to the boys that you will not adopt them? We told our former foster son the truth: he was not suitable for adoption. He wanted to return to his bio mom (and we still have him over about three times a month), she lived in the same county as us, and things were doing well with him in foster care.

[y2jasmine]

I have to admit...I knew I would get flack for saying "settling" and perhaps its not the best word, but I can't really describe the feeling.

We have let everyone at CAFS know from day 1 that we do not want to adopt these boys, no matter how wonderful they are. They have let us know back that their chance of getting adopted is all honesty, slim to none. That news saddens us deeply as they really are wonderful boys. We have also talked with CAFS services many many times about how we are fully willing to keep the boys until they can find a permant adoptive home for them, and if that does not happen, then we are willing to keep them until they are no longer in foster care.

We DO care about the boys...and are so proud of their accomplishments. The oldest has gone from D's and D-'s in school to A's. That is something totally amazing for him. This is the kid who is in grade 5 but supposidely working at a grade 3 level. Infact today he had a provinces/capitals/abreviations test and got 100%...when I first started studying with him 1 1/2 weeks ago for the test, he could only get 2 out of the 13 provinces. Today he thanked me for helping him study. He is so proud of himself.

The youngest has also improved in school. He too is studying the provinces for a test next week and it looks like too will do very well. He is currently in grade 3 working at a grade 1-2 level.

I might not have made it clear in my past messages...but I'd like to say that we do not treat these kids as second class kids and infact correct every person who thinks so. They are great kids...they did nothing wrong...they just had a rough family life at home. Norm and I got married in August out of town and everyone asked "so who's watching the kids when you go to get married?" Well, they came with us...and we treated them just as we would treat our own kids. Not once have we said/thought that they couldn't come with us or do things with us because they weren't really ours. Cuz in all honesty, they are ours...for now...they are our kids that just happen to be foster kids.

Since my intial post, I forgot to mention this too...the kids have asked if we were going to adopt them a few times and we did tell them that although they are great kids, we are not looking to adopt them. Though we did mention that they are welcome to stay with us as long as they are able.

We really don't know what the future holds for us or for the boys. We hope that they have a wonderful life whether they stay with us or whether they are adopted. Either way, we hope that they will be able to live in a home for a long time without having to worry about where they are moving to next. AND for us, by next year, we hope to have our little girl and perhaps, unless they have been adopted by then, a couple of really great boys living with us.

[Mom2CC&KK]

I agree that no one should feel obligated to adopt a child.
However, foster parents need to be sure that they don't influence a child to "settle" on being a foster child if they have the opportunity to be adopted. I have seen too many foster parents fight against a child leaving their home to be adopted saying the child is stable, a member of the family, doesn't want to leave, etc. Only to have those same children removed a few years later when they become teenagers because they are harder to parent.

I would question why the worker has such a negative view of the boys prospects for an adoptive home. How can you help them reach that goal? Do they need current pictures and information? Has the message that they need an adoptive family been passed on to every member of the team that supports them, teachers, doctors, therapists, clergy, etc.? I would make sure the worker was regularly reminded that finding an adoptive home is a priority for the boys.

[y2jasmine]

The boy's workers have a negative view of the boys getting adopted for a lot of things in their past/current lives...

Among other things, the oldest...has a history of bullying and was even talked to by the police (he is now the total opposite), running away from homes, is 2 years behind in his reading/writing level, has a touch of ADHD.

The youngest has/had other problems too...including a history of defiance, running away from homes, is 2 years behind in most school-related items including can not tie his shoes (he's 9) and until 2 weeks ago didn't know his name started with a capital.

Due to their problems in school, they both need a lot of attention at night for homework. Norm and I both spend about 45 minutes with each child each night for homework. We also are encouraged by the school to make them read to us out loud, spell things, and tell us the time often.

So, because of their history, because of the extra attention that is needed we are told by most that they are not the typical kind of kids that are adopted. Also, they wish to remain together. Hence, their negative view to the fact of them getting adopted.

HOWEVER, even though there may be a low chance of it occuring, we would be SOOOOO happy for them if it does happen. It would make us so happy to know that they had a permanent adoptive home.

[NanaMarie]

It sounds to me like you and your husband are doing a great job with these boys. Also you have been honest with them and let them know that although you truly care for them you have no plans to adopt them.

Thanks for being such caring foster parents. I wish you much happiness and love always.