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Oh Michelle,
My heart goes out to you right now. I've had two failed domestic adoptions, and while our situations aren't exactly the same, I can relate to how you're feeling right now. Let yourself feel it all. You should be grieving, you should feel angry, you shouldn't understand why this is happening. Maybe some day you (and I...) will see a purpose, see a greater plan...and maybe not. To me, some things just don't make any logical sense, and it is more frustrating to try and attach a reason. It is great that you are seeing a counselor right now. You're right - you will find a way to get through it, but you will always carry love (and pain) for these two children for whom you prepared not only a physical space, but also a permanent place in your heart.
As far as your potential upcoming trip, I think all you can do is follow your instincts. If it feels right, and something you're up to doing, then move forward. I think you won't find a definitive "right" thing to do. All you are left with is your own best judgment, which I know is hard when you're in so much pain.
In our adoption journey, which so far has only been filled with pain, I've had to learn to live with many unanswered questions. I still hold onto hope, primarily because of all the stories I've heard from others about sharing the kind of pain you and I have gone through...and yet perservering on to a successful situation. Believing that this will happen, at least for me, doesn't erase the anger I feel at the injustice being done to the children that we didn't get in our failed adoptions. One is in a home where there has been abuse in the past, and it saddens me daily, yet there is nothing I can do about it. At least for me, I've just had to learn to live with all these emotions and hope that in time, the pain will diminish and hold onto my hope that there is a child still out there who needs us.
I am so sorry this happened, and that you're having to go through this very difficult time. My thoughts are with you as you make your decision on what to do next.
KK
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