[Rusgirl]

I feel so thankful I have found this forum...I need people who understand this pain...
My husband and I have loved two children for over a year now. We read about siblings that lost their parents in Kazakhstan. The little girl, age 6, is deaf and has no form of communication in place. As a special education teacher, my heart went out. These were our children. The rooms are finished, names on the wall, closets full, car seats ready, toy room and toys complete, kid shower(s) already had… 6 days before we were to travel, we got a call. The grandmother, who reportedly has had no contact the year they have been placed in the orphanage, refuses to let them be adopted. She wants them to stay in the orphanage until they are 16. It has now been four months since that call, 2 more hopeful tries that failed (with these children) and many, many, many heartaches and tears later. I am left empty, lost… I have wanted to adopt since second grade. God has called me to do this. We are able to have our own children, but have chosen this. Why did this happen and how do you go on? I have been seeing a counselor and she is helping me learn how to “carry this” because the pain will never go away. We have about $60,000 wrapped up in this; only $12,000 we are able to get back. I know there are millions of kids who need our help, and I know I can’t “waste” this money. Not for the sake of the money, but for the sake of helping which is what I’ve always wanted to do. BUT…it is just so hard to move forward. My heart aches for those children. Our agency wants us to leave October 7 for Kazakhstan because many regions are closing due to a presidential election. As of now, there is a little Kazakh boy they have referred us. No girls though….and it is likely there won’t be any by that time. Help me to know what is right. My mind and heart are so foggy right now because my love and pain is so intense. I feel like my children have been kidnapped and I know where they are, but I can’t get to them.

Heartbroken & lost,
Michelle