[KKinCA]

Well, she had the baby on Tuesday, a beautiful girl as we expected. The pbmother didn't want to see us, but had the nurse give me her wristband so that I could have open access to the baby. The hospital team was terrific. They gave us a private room to spend time with the baby. For an hour, I felt hopeful. Then, the nurse came in and said the pbmother was upset, wanted the baby, and wanted us to go home and come back in the morning. This morning, we knew from the agency counselor that she was having trouble deciding what to do. She said that once she saw the baby looked like her, it made her question her decision. So, we were left to wait in her city all day until she made her decision. We found out about an hour ago that she's taking her baby home. I completely respect a woman' right to parent....but can't you figure out ahead of time the baby is going to look like you and not play around with other people's lives and emotions? I can't believe we're back in the same spot we were on our last failed adoption 5 months ago. Yes, I tried to stay removed, and yes, we didn't take her home this time....but the culmultive effect of all we've put into trying to have a baby...the years of trying not to mention the money...I just feel so hopeless right now. I realize I'm still raw, and that I'm very emotional right now, but I feel as if I can't do this anymore. I can't be so vulnerable to other people's decisions. That's the most frustrating part of this...there is absolutely nothing I can do. I guess I just need time to grieve this....and not try and think ahead to the next plan.

Please, please no one answer back about the birthmother's rights and that it is her decision and I should respect that. I know all that...it's just that.....this whole thing just feels so cruel. Why couldn't she figure out before that she was going to feel emotion holding the baby? Why can't there be a better process? Something seems terribly wrong with this system.

We're getting away for a while to try and once again mourn this loss and figure out where we go from here.

Thanks for listening,
KK