[kimber413]

Sorry, this is really long.

We've been home almost 10 months, and our daughter seems to be attached very well to us, and is very loving and caring, sweet and smiling. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, but so far we are all happy and healthy, and she is well above her age level in everything except speech, and that's coming along nicely, too.

But, as with birth, in adoption there are always risks. You definitely want to check out some of the posts on FRUA, but keep in mind that not all of them are factual. A few I've read in years past turned out to be complete fantasy from sad individuals who had nothing better to do than stir the pot. That's the problem with FRUA, and the reason I no longer visit that site (although now I hear it's not quite so anonymous and requires registration). Regulars there are able to weed out the fact from fantasy pretty well, though, so you can pick up some good information.

Can there be problems with these children? Definitely. Can they be difficult to handle? Absolutely. Tough on your family? Sometimes devastating. Of course this could be true of a bio child as well. Many a bio child has attachment issues, anger issues, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, drug addictions, etc. Do you stop loving them as their mother? No, although the particularly challenging child may make you wish you could.

I guess my point is, you could have the same issues with a biological child, although they are coming from a different place. What would you do then? How would you handle it? You'd get as much help as you could afford, and you'd work with them to try to make them better. That's what being a parent is, and as Holly said, if that is a profoundly scary concept for someone, they definitely shouldn't take the leap.

The best you can do is hire a good IA doc to look over the information and give you an educated opinion. When you go on your first trip, take the list of things to look for that your doctor should have given you, and really, really look for them. Don't just feed the child animal crackers and try to make them smile, but study their behavior. The worst thing that can happen is you turn down your referral and accept another one or take extra trip to Russia. It's hard to be so objective when you see their little faces, but it's what you have to be prepared to do (I went there completely neutral and it took me a while to make up my mind, but my husband was already convinced Kaitlin was ours when we got on the plane in L.A., and he couldn't fathom the fact that I still wasn't sure up until a few days before court).

So, hope for the best, expect the worst, and you'll be okay. Bad cases are rare, but they do happen. It's good to check out help that's available in your area BEFORE you go on your first trip. Be prepared in case problems do occur. I don't think any child has absolutely no issues (as good as Kaitlin is, she's very emotional at times, is obsessed with shutting doors, but cries hysterically if you shut the door to her room at bedtime). And sadly, not all adoptions work out. But folks who go into the fire with a good education in what to expect and what to look for are far more prepared and far more successful than those who cast a blind eye to possible issues. Keep your eyes open, your mind watchful, but your heart free to accept whatever comes your way.