“Sometimes some APs scare me that I should walk away from IA unless I am prepared to deal with severe problems in PI children.”
This is true. No one should parent unless they are ready to deal with severe problems in their children. You never know what hand you will be dealt, and if you are not willing to play without a guarantee of getting an ace, you shouldn’t sit at the table. Before you have any child, bio or adopted, you have to be willing to commit to parent through thick and thin, through good and bad. A perfectly healthy child could land on their head at the playground and become profoundly special needs. So, yeah, if you aren’t prepared to deal with severe problems in PI children, you should walk away…(but not until you read the rest of my rambling post…)
“However, my agency said that while we should view these children as special needs it is in varying degrees and that only about ten percent would have special needs that would take a toll on our family.”
This is true, too. There are definitely varying degrees of special needs. However, ALL adopted children have special needs that not all bio children do. Does that mean that all adopted children are “special needs” in terms of needing or qualifying for services? No. It means that adopted children (even domestic adopted children adopted at birth) have a whole different journey to travel that bio children will never know. And that journey itself is a special need that adopted children have. And, the journey that our PI kids from EE traveled on exposed them to a lot of risks and dangers that maybe some bio and some domestic adopted children didn’t face. Conversely, my children, who look like me (only they are a LOT cuter) won’t have some of the same needs that some of their adopted peers will from other countries. Special doesn’t mean bad, it just means different.
“Take a toll on your family”
…there is a loaded statement. My children take a HUGE toll on my family. They sap my energy, define my every waking moment, dominate my dreams, spend my money, and set my goals. Does their status of IA change any of that? I’ll never know. They are who they are, and are who they are because of where they have been.
I often wish I could view my children through a machine like the one at the eye doctors. OK..this is your child with being institutionalized after birth, and this is your child with out, which is clearer. This is your child with no attachment problems, and this is you child without, which is more loving.
I can’t see the adopted version vs. the not adopted version so I’ll never know how much is a result of previous institutionalization, attachment issues, language issues, temperament, my parenting, their intelligence, and/or our personalities.
"Which is the realistic picture?"
This is what is so hard for APs to consul PAPs on…because, as I keep stating, we see things differently.
"Having been on this board for nearly a year now it seems that the majority of the APs have had a fairly smooth bonding process. And that most of the children are happy and healthy. Am I right? How has it been for you since you were home? How has your experience compared to all the things you worried about before you brought your child/ren home?"
Well, let me do a check list…
Son home 4 years (almost)
"Fairly smooth bonding process": thought so, now I wonder. He loves me, I love him, he gives the best butterfly kisses and the warmest hugs, and he would hang the moon for me, and I for him. But I wonder if his need to control things might be seeded in an attachment thing. And, when he expresses his emotions, he is almost always “sad/mad/angry”….all grouped together….which breaks my heart to hear.
"Happy and healthy": Healthy: very. Happy: 95% of the time…but when he isn’t happy, he is so profoundly off.
"How has it been since we have been home?" Exciting, thrilling, tiring, loving.
"How has it compared to what I worried about?" In some ways, way easier, in some ways…not necessarily harder…but longer.
Daughter, home 18 months (almost)
"Fairly smooth bonding process": not smooth at all. Little miss lashed out at me with all the fury of an avenging angel whenever we were close.
"Happy and healthy": Healthy: very. Happy: yes!, now.
"How has it been since you have been home?" Exhausting, disruptive, frustrating, fearful, exciting, joyful, loving.
"How has it compared to what I worried about?" Harder than what I expected, but more rewarding. My son gave affection easy, I didn’t have to earn it, but it wasn’t genuine affection. My daughter gave affection grudgingly, I had to earn it, but it was true and genuine once given.
We are currently not seeking any outside help for our son. We are reading, monitoring, thinking, and changing the way we parent to try to help him lose his sad mad angry.
Our daughter is still way behind in speech, and qualifies for special services for speech. She may or may not be caught up in a year, we will have to see. Other than that, we are not seeking outside help for her.
I started this journey to parent in January of 2000. Other than a few small things, I would not change a thing about my journey, my family or my children. I can’t imagine any other children for me but these two, and can’t imagine these two any other way than the way they are.
I hope these boards and posts help you find the answer you are seeking.