Richie and others
Thanks for the welcome Richie - it seemed unpatriotic to check the NZ website and not to post!! I've been surfing this site for about 3 yrs and it was good to see some dialogue going on rather than single unanswered posts. I've got to get one thing straight -I don't think our (birthparents) perception of adoption is on a completely different tangent. I placed my son knowing it was the best decision I could make in my bad circumstances. Hard to imagine I know but there was no such thing as Domestic Purposes Benefit or Family assistance. That didn't come in until 1972. That's why 1700 children were adopted in NZ in 1969. It was hard and something I always regretted, but adoption was my life-line and certainly my sons. So I support adoption - I have a 34 yr old son who is a living breathing testament that the system doesn't always stuff-up and there are good people who are ready to parent and make a wonderful job of doing so. And......he's their son, created by me but will always be their son. He searched for me - I would never have presumed that he would want me in his life - but I always had the hope that he would need answers to questions. And he did - and life is good - we have a relationship that keeps us both happy - not Mother and Son but more two people who are intrinsically connected and care for each other. So....if you have the address of your child's birthmother I think the best thing you could do is send her photos and card say....every 6 months. Tell her that there is a place for her in your family's life and leave the rest up to her. But continue the correspondence, if not for her, then for your son.
In our case...my son's parents had limited information but they were really hurt when he searched, and that in turn, hurt him. They had supported him in everything else he ever wanted to do, but in this instance (what he considered a real need,) they reacted with anger. Your son will never do that - feel that - if he knows you made an effort for him to have birthfamily in his life.
Names - first mother - birthmother -the title is irrelevant. You and your son will work out what to "call" her. In the adoptions that I know of most call them by their first name, but my friend Marcia called her daughters b/mother myKaren, so the daughter followed suit. I liked the sound of that. You will work out what feels right for you, daughter and birthmum (if she has an active role in the family.)
When did you adopt and how old is your daughter? And well done!! I'm pleased to see that adoption is still an option and open adoptions are sought by birth and adoptive parents. Are they legally enforceable in NZ? Like if a birthmother make an agreement for the adoption to be open and the adoptive parents decide to close it, can it be challenged in the Family Court?
I'm with you in my horror of what happened in London on Thurs morning, and my thoughts to those who are mourning or still trying find family in the chaos. I'm thankfull that mine are home in NZ after 4 & 5 years living in London. Makes you very glad that we live in a small country down the bottom of the world.
IVF - whew.....hormones, proceedures, Dr's, dreams and postive results at the end. Green Tea they tell me. Expels toxins and stimulates the body. Good luck!!!
Ann